Monthly Archives: June 2014

Four Years Old

We’ve made it four years.  Thanks to many for financial and emotional support.  Summary of the last four years:

First year: Improving stamina and patience; learning how to cook; finding customers

Second year: Building discipline; learning how to manage a store; attracting customers

Third year: Developing leadership skills; learning how to create and refine a brand; keeping customers

Fourth year:  Establishing courage; learning how to run a business; culling customers


Fifth Year Plans


We’ve finally plugged some money leaks by implementing a POS system and a state-of-the-art payroll system, updating the cash register and bookkeeping system, and switching to an LED lighting system. Next purchase will be a walk in refrigeration unit.  That will allow us to reduce labor and driving related costs and free time to pursue other projects.  New leaks will probably emerge, especially those related to human resources, and we’re prepared to handle them with new technology that will dramatically increase labor productivity.

No immediate plans for second location.  Will need to improve leadership skills and further refine the brand for another store to open. May explore franchising opportunities and that would require simplification of processes. So if anyone is interested…(you will be vetted, failure isn’t an option at this point).
We’re working on opening a mid-scale thrift store (with some couture items) and will see how Alive Juice Bar can leverage such an operation (and vice versa).

Brand Development
Emphasis will be on culling customer base and targeting audience and applicants until the brand identity and message is clear. We’re still dealing with a lot of wrong assumptions about who we are and what we do (we’re not hippies, not lefties). A clear brand will help save time when hiring and improve customer service (by managing customer expectations).

Mission remains the same: offering a counterpoint to prevailing ideas about “proper” nutrition, food, and service. There’ll be continued increased emphasis on challenging what appears as dominant narratives about life and living — “proper” mindsets, attitudes, and life goals, all of which are tied into our core work on “healthy” living.

To develop the creativity necessary to have the businesses run on its own (minimal oversight from Monster).  To develop a leadership class capable of making customers reconsider the way they perceive reality and live life.  Put simply, to clarify the link between emotional health and physical well being.

There’s a lot of work ahead.  Agape.

Alive Juice Bar is Hiring Really Really Really Really Nice People

Alright, motherhuggers, since last ad — Alive Juice Bar Hiring Angry People — was flagged within 14 hours of its posting (new record by 10 hours) by, ironically, some really angry foul-mouthed people, we’re going to try a new approach.  Instead of seeking “angry people,” we’re going to try to attract “nice people.”  And no more swearing. This is a civilized operation.

Manager job description: prep food and drinks at one’s own pace; have employees do the same at their own pace; play music from Norah Jones and Diana Krall entire shift; smile at customers; keep smiling at customers as they tell you their order; even bigger smile if you need to ask them to repeat what they ordered because you were so busy smiling, you didn’t listen to what they were saying; shut bathroom door when customer doesn’t; pick up whatever customer throws on the ground instead of in the garbage can; keep smiling; give diabetic customer extra extra extra sugar because that’s what he asks for; maintain smile; hug hung-over and emotional co-workers; ask as nicely as possible (with big big smile) for customer to stop kid from throwing ice cubes at other customers; offer kid ice cream to stop him from throwing things at customers; initiate time-out for group hug when an employee gets stressed during lunch rush; call police when guy makes you or employee uncomfortable; call police when customer asks employee where she got her jeans (and other such sexually inappropriate questions); call police when customer pinches employee ass; ensure employees use proper words when addressing someone of color; make sure employees do not describe customers with racial or ethnic descriptions; initiate group hug at the end of each shift; ask employees how they are feeling at least once an hour; maintain ratio of 200 praises to 1 criticism.

Barista job description: do as manager tells you to do.  Smile more often than does Manager.

Barista’s Assistant job description: Do as Barista tells you to do. Smile at all times.


Seeking nice person who:

* Starts every sentence with a compliment
* Can say “hello,” and “thank-you.” in at least 3 foreign languages
* Has never scratched, slapped, or bitten someone during sex
* Doesn’t like it when dogs sniff each other’s butts because that’s dirty
* Considers a neutered dog humping another neutered dog rape
* Addresses customers as “Maam” or “Sir.”
* Spends at least 2 hours a day complimenting people on Facebook
* Never gets angry, regardless of situation
* Smiles all the time
* Sounds like that teacher from South Park when asking for something
* Can listen to R Kelly’s “I Believe I can Fly” all day long without going crazy
* Holds hands behind back while standing
* Holds hands in front while standing
* Never puts hands on hips and rarely uses hand gestures
* Does not honk when car in front is idle at green light
* Drives safely by merging onto highway at 40 miles an hour
* Looks happy
* Looks agreeable
* Looks friendly
* Looks beta
* Looks doe eyed
* Looks naive

Read this is you want to know why some people are angry:

Read this if you want to know why some people are nice:



Weekday Routine @Alive Juice Bar

Weekday Routine at Alive Juice Bar

Guidelines for employees.

Breakfast Shift

Dump ice bin bucket
Fill ice bin 5x
Take out trash
Scrape juice filter
Put together juicers
Open and count register
Turn on warmer oven Rice and beans on
Mop front lobby

Open store 6.00-7.00
Prep mise-en-scene
Start/Finish rice and beans
Yams in warmer oven
Prep soups/rice/beans
Take customer orders (3-5)

Finish soups Package/start chips/bread
Prep meals (10)
Check e-mail
Review intentory
Prep for salads/sauces/dressing
Finish soups and rice and beans
Take customer orders (20-30)

Second shift arrives @10
Wash dishes
Take customer orders (10-12)

Lunch Shift
Third shift arrives @11
First shift gets groceries, 11.00-noon
Prep/package whatever needs to be made
Take customer orders (50-70, lunch rush 11am-1pm)
First shift off at 1pm
Second shift off at 4pm

Dinner Shift
Fourth shift arrives @4.00
Fifth shift arrives @5.00
Take customer orders (30-50)
Prep and package chips/salads/pie/etc/
Replenish soups/rice and beans

8.oo-9.00 Sweep entire store, including back and bar
Wipe down all prep tables except for main; customers tables
Wash dishes, front and back
Take out garbage
Fifth shift leaves @9.00
Take customer orders (6-10)

Break down juicer @9.40
Wipe down remaining prep tables
Credit card settlement
Take customers (4-6) until store is closed, and not at listed closing time

Alive Juice Bar is Hiring Angry People

One full-time manager; one assistant manager; one part-time barista’s bitch;

Manager job duties: prep food and drinks with precision and alacrity; change expletive laden music when kids walk in; serve customers; listen — learn about and from — customers; tell customer to fuck off; remind customers to shut bathroom door; figure out what people really want, not what they say and/think they want; recognize patterns of behavior; deal with hung-over and emotional co-workers; berate customer for acting like an asshole; ask questions; draw stuff on windows; download music; clean mess; correct co-worker’s grammar; explain why ionized water is for dumbasses; explain difference between glycemic load and glycemic index so customers stop freaking out about carrot juice; tell customer it’s ok to stare at your ass but be discreet about it; ask customer if he has a small dick; kick customer who grabs your ass; make inappropriate comments that will get you fired everywhere except Microsoft; make co-worker stop acting like a whiny bitch; babysit your Bitch.

Assistant Manager duties: same as Manager’s but needs Manager permission to tell customer to fuck off and to download music.

Barista’s Bitch job duties: shut-up, observe, learn, emulate, ask questions. Cry at home.

Seeking someone who *preferably* (not necessarily):
*Has road rage issues
*Speaks foreign language(s), esp. Russian, Vietnamese, Korean, Ukrainian, Redneck, whatever
*Can swear in foreign language
*Likes hacking things
*Adds hot sauce to everything
*Has kicked someone, hard
*Has been kicked, hard
*Doesn’t have nutrition degree
*Dropped out of high school
*If college, major ing/ed in Math or Science or Philosophy
*Can hit a ball
*Has been humiliated
*Can catch ball
*Looks pissed
*Looks mean
*Looks flirty
*Looks ashamed
*Looks kind
*Looks aggressive
*Looks like a Juice Bar employee/customer

If you don’t research Alive Juice Bar (or any other business you apply to) on Yelp, you deserve to wipe your ass with maple leaves for the rest of your life.

Attach resume. Keep cover letter short, don’t bore us. Just tell us what we need to know.

If you want to apply so you can pursue your hobby, read:

If you’re wondering why so many people are fucked up, read:

If you’re wondering how schools produce fuck ups:

If you’re wondering why I prefer high school drop outs:

If don’t have a resume and need help writing one:

Glycemic Index Versus Glycemic Load (How to Read Carb Charts)

Some customers have been refusing carrot juice. Reason given: carrot juice has too much sugar, according to the Glycemic Index. Here’s why you shouldn’t pay attention to the Glycemix Index and instead use Glycemix Load to guide your diet.

Glycemic Index defined An indicator of the ability of different types of foods that contain carbohydrate gibberishgibberishnobodyislisteningmmmmmmmmmmmnanananananobodyunderstands.

Glycemic Load defined by Wiki: Glycemic load is based on the glycemic index (GI), and is defined as the fraction noisenoisenoisenoisebrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmeowmeowmeownoisenoisenoisenobodycareswhatthefucknanananammmmmmmmmmmmm

Our Definitions

Glycemic Index: With this chart, it’s like comparing a micro-dick to a thick, ten inch Ron Jeremy.  Both are supposed to make you equally horny. But that doesn’t make sense.  If it did, then there’d be a lot more porn stars with micro-dicks.

Now imagine a fettucini (GI of 32) and a carrot (GI of 35).  So according to GI chart, carrots have roughly as much sugar as fettucini, are just as likely to raise blood sugar levels.  But we’re comparing micro-dick size worth of fettucini to Ron Jeremy size worth of carrots.  Not many people can handle a Ron Jeremy — that shit has got to hurt. Most can take a micro-dick, up the ass even.  Most people can’t eat 5 lbs worth of carrots in a sitting — it takes too long, and it’s probably going to hurt when it finally comes out of your ass. Most, however, can eat half a pound of cooked fettucini.

Glycemic Load: Here we’re comparing cocks of same size and shape.  That’s why GL has fettucini at 15, carrots at 2. Let’s say both fettucini and carrots are 6 inchers and you’re trying to decide between the two. GL chart lets you know which one will provide better orgasm. In this case, clearly the carrot. Six inches of cock that looks and feels like a carrot will feel a lot better than 6 inches of cock that feels like fettucini. Right?


Most of us should rely on Glycemic Load chart to guide our diets because, unlike Glycemic Index, it compares ingredients of same serving size. So drink and eat your carrots! Diabetics should limit how much carrot juice they drink.  Most of the rest of us should cut back only when our palms turn orange.

Passage of Seattle 15 Minimum Wage: Notes and Predictions

Doom and gloom for Seattle?
No. $15/hour will, ironically, accelerate gentrification in Seattle.  Spatial divide between socio-economic classes will become even more pronounced, with the middle-class moving to first ring suburbs, the poor to outer ring suburbs (as has been the trend). Seattle becomes city of champagne socialists (“privileged” lefties) and the homeless. Kinda like San Fran.

There will be fewer McDonald’s, Jack n’ Boxes, Olive Gardens, anything considered to attract the “poor,” the “deplorables,” anyone who disgusts champagne socialists. “Dirty” industries that employ low-skilled labor move to suburbs (or another state), allowing developers to — after years of resistance from Labor — transform SoDo into mixed use high end neighborhood.  (While champagne socialists become so because of guilt over their privileged upbringing, they remain so not out of conviction or care for those less privileged, but because their political and social philosophy works for them economically and socially. They get what they want, and look good doing so).

This is like Rent Control in NYC and SF (version of which may be legislated in Seattle).  Government intervenes to ensure socio-economic diversity, to maintain cultural vibrancy of whatever whatever I call bullshit.  End result will be more spatial and social segregation, not less.  (Anthony Bourdain paints similar picture in his graphic novel “Get Jiro!”).

Molly Moon Ice Cream supports 15 min because it would increase consumer spending.  Agree?
Not sure.  To begin with, how will they spend?  On high or low return on investment activities and items?  Random novelties, twinkies, meth, and mindless escapes that shrink the economic pie? Or a CPA textbook, math tutor, energizing food, challenging activities that grow the pie?  My guess is those who are chronically making minimum wage are those who waste most of their leisure time on activities that produce little to negative value (getting wasted and causing 10 car accident is example of negative value act). Giving such workers higher pay will shrink the economy. I’m also guessing that these workers will be laid off and will find more appropriate jobs in, say, Everett, where pay will reflect the value of their work. Those who produce $10/hour worth of work don’t get $15/hour. Not even in the most fantastic Leninist state.

I suspect businesses supporting 15 minimum are referencing Henry Ford’s controversial “$5 a day minimum” at his factories.  Short version: Ford increased minimum wage at his factories from $2.34 for 9 hours to $5.00 for 8.  Business leaders howled, claimed that the money would be wasted on vices. Result: Ford was sorta right.  Productivity soared and a new middle-class emerged with enough money to purchase the products (autos) they made.

I say “sorta” because Ford didn’t offer his wages to anyone.  He hired social workers to investigate the habits of potential and existing employees.  So more likely, the higher wage didn’t make employees more productive. Ford improved productivity because of the thoroughness of his background checks and his wages attracted and retained the best applicants.

Whereas I’m hearing something different from 15 NOW supporters, a contrasting interpretation of history.  That raising the wage of a worker will make her more productive *and* transform her into someone champagne socialists won’t hold in maternal contempt.  But that’s not what happened in Ford’s case.  Ford simply did a better job at finding and attracting underpaid employees.

Sure sure,  there are underpaid employees under the current wage regime.  These workers probably will save and invest more, and perhaps spend more at high value businesses. Not because they earn more, but because they’ve always had the desire to do so. Increasing wages doesn’t change a person.  It only changes their actions, shows us who they really are.

The person who has been working as a cook at Jack N Box isn’t going to eat at Harvest Vine or the Corson Building even if you pay him a six figure salary. He’s going to eat at McDonald’s for lunch, Buca Di Beppo for his birthday, not because he’s poor, but because THAT’S WHAT HE LIKES AND WANTS.  If he really wants to eat at Cafe Juanita, he would, he’d figure out a way to make it happen, either by working there or someplace similar.  The kid making $12 an hour who eats at Thrive does so not because he’s rich — he’s not — but because THAT’S WHAT HE LIKES AND WANTS, and so he makes it happen.

What happens when a chronic minimum wage worker wins the lottery? They lose it all,  fuck up in their own fucked up way: spend on bling and bad investments and attract the worst type of people.  More money didn’t transform them, it only brought attention to their character.

Thomas Jefferson understood that wealth and dignity must be accumulated slowly, through hard work and thrift. That’s why he envisioned USA as an agrarian rather than an urban industrial nation. He understood that wealth accumulated too quickly brings out the worst in people — ask Jalen Rose about how many young NBA players squander their wealth. One appreciates wealth only after earning it slowly, over a life-time.

Will higher wages mean less dependence on government agencies?  
No. Once established, government agencies are notoriously difficult to close.  Someone will figure out a way to make $15/hour the new poverty wage.  Poverty is a psychological condition that’s based on comparisons of material wealth — envy — rather than a physiological situation. Few in the United States are starving to death. Many don’t want to be known as someone who makes minimum wage, regardless of what is that wage.

15 Minimum wage will lift many out of poverty.  
It will not.  Poverty is a mindset, an attitude, not an economic condition.  Money doesn’t make one dignified.  Dignity comes with conviction, resilience, and grit.  Those who lack dignity at 10 dollars an hour will lack it at 15 dollars an hour, at 50 an hour, 500, it doesn’t matter. That’s why so many big pot lottery winners lose everything in a few years.

Will the new minimum wage affect Alive Juice Bar?
Probably not much.  There’s enough time for distributors to relocate so we don’t expect dramatic price increases.

Would you open a store in Seattle?
Hell no!