Monthly Archives: January 2015

Alive Juice Bar Seeks Hate Mail Contestants

(First posted January 2015 on craigslist.  Updated for March 2021 — the Zombies have scaled the wall!) 

Alright Motherhuggers,

The *quality* of the hate mail we get sucks. Example (real):

“What a fucked up job posting. Who the hell would want to work for you after reading that shit? You can tell by what kind of person you are with the attitude you portray on Craigslist. You don’t have the right to talk like that. I feel sorry for the slaves that have to labor under an asshole.”

Boring. Unacceptable. To improve the quality of hate mail we receive, we’re hosting another Alive Juice Bar Hate Mail contest. Winner gets $100 gift card. Employees select finalists to be judged by customers. Your name will be redacted, we will protect your privacy so don’t go chickenshit on us, ok? So let’s get this going, Motherfuggers.

Guidelines: we want well-written, we want art. Don’t just tell us what you think about the person who wrote this ad, tell us WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO DO TO HIM, or HAPPEN TO HIM. Dig deep, find your inner rage, reveal your inner freak — we know there’s some Marquis de Sade in you, we can feel it. Example:

“To the sick fuck who wrote this piece of shit ad, I hope you get gang-banged by giant orangutans until your butthole looks like a donut. You deserve to be buried alive in your own shit because even horse shit is too good for you.”

Some keywords you might want to use or at least consider to get your creative juices flowing: porcupine, jalapenos, Wonder Woman, chainsaw, pink, King Kong, handcuffs, mini-me, dolphins, charcoal, piranhas, Justin Bieber, North Korea, Michael Jackson, Hello Kitty.

Now to inspire you Motherfuckers, to get you angry enough to turn on the (she)Hulk so you can write some hate mail art: here are a few reasons owner deserves hate mail from you:

Owner is insulting, rude and abusive. Examples:
1) Charging customers $1 to change the music.
2) Telling customer to go to Jamba Juice
3) Calling customers Dumbass for asking for wheatgrass
4) Forcing employee to call customer Fuck-Face. And then charging customer a dollar for the abuse.
5) Charging customer $1 for better service when customer is unhappy with and requests better service
6) Inhumane, slave driving owner who does unspeakable things with jalapenos
7) Telling customers how they fucked up their kids.
8) Calling employees “Stupid, Useless, Cunt.”
9) Demanding improved quality of hate mail sent to him
10) Calling Oprah Winfrey a “House Nigger”
11) Rants about how White people are fucking things up
12) Random misogynistic musings.
13) Routinely playing misogynistic music like “Me So Horny” and “Taught Her How to Fuck.”
14) Calling his customers batshit crazy.
15) Referring to Asians as “slant-eyed motherfuckers.”  
16) Writing a cookbook that teachers readers How to Cook Like a Racist
17) Writing a racist and sexist crossword puzzle for customers to solve for $20 gift card.

Send hate mail to  Write “Dear Asshole” in the subject line.  

If you want examples of owner making misogynistic comments, read:

Owner calling Asians “slant-eyed motherfuckers.”  
How to Go To School (without turning into a dumbass)

Examples of owner calling his employees “stupid, useless, cunt,” read:

Owner telling customers how they fucked up their kids:

Owner calling Oprah a “house nigger”:

Owner forcing employee to call customer a Fuck-Face:

Owner calling customers who ask for wheatgrass dumbasses:

Owner abusing employees:

Why People Don’t Change

She’s a White trash girl trying to escape her White trash world.  At 21, she’s got one foot out the door: 50k a year plus benefits as head manager of an independently owned retail store, where she’s been working since 13. She saves enough to help her White trash family —  grandma is especially proud of her, her siblings look up to her. She’s saved enough to put 20 percent down on a modest house in a gentrifying not-quite-middle-class neighborhood.  She has her shit together, a lot more so than those panicking college seniors who looked down on her but are now worried if they’ll ever have a job that pays enough after graduation. Not bad for a high school drop out.

A customer — executive at publicly traded company — is impressed with her work ethic, resourcefulness, and thoughtfulness.  Hooks her up with a job as head manager of one of his struggling retail stores, where they’ve gone through three managers over the past year. He tells her she has the force of character to turn the store around, that she’s a perfect fit. Compensation is 80k a year plus bonus plus vacation time and better bennies. Better career growth opportunities, potential for stock options, more sophisticated supply chain and IT infrastructure to work with, and those college educated bitches who made fun of her are now her bitches, making $12/hour. Fuck yeah.

She verbally commits, but can’t sign when it’s time, even though she’s submitted her two weeks and reservations for going away party have been made by her colleagues.  She ultimately stays put with same business at same position and lives out rest of her not-quite-middle-class life in what quickly turns into an upper-middle class neighborhood, leaving her isolated and estranged from her surroundings.

What happened? What made White trash girl prefer the embarrassment of *not trying* over the *possible* embarrassment of failing?

(If you tell me it’s low self-esteem, I’ll graffiti your house with Hello Kitty stickers and paint your windows black).

“People Never Change, They Just Become More of Who They Really Are”

Marketing experts predicted that the recently promoted 28 year old woman buying the BMW was going to do so when she purchased her VW Jetta 5 years ago.  Grandma didn’t stop being a racist when she stopped using the N word sometime around 1974, she started watching her mouth because she’s a chickenshit conformist. The only reason Johnny stopped doing anal 14 years ago is because his dick doesn’t get hard enough for it anymore and he’d rather not think about that.  The not-quite-middle-class teenager deleted all Facebook references to Jersey Shore only when she figured out that middle-class folks aren’t supposed to admit to watching such shows, and not because she’d learned better taste and how to use her time more wisely.

Above examples illustrate the dictum, “people never change, they just become more of who they really are.”  Most changes are behavioral and not attitudinal (remember this distinction). Behavioral changes occur not because of fundamental change in a person’s character, mindset, and sensibility, but because (pay attention, here comes the thesis) they’re obligated and given the opportunity to change to confirm their sense of self and reality. Change, and the discipline and willpower that makes it possible, is rooted in the act of regulating, sculpting, and imagining identity. That’s why peer pressure works and New Year’s Resolutions don’t.

Real change is change of mindset and attitude, not just behavior.  Behavioral change alone is about maintaining status quo, it’s about being fashionable, keeping up with the times instead of becoming a different person. Those who want to change their lives must change their mindset and attitude.

White Trash Girl Part II

White trash girl started working at 13 because she wanted things other kids had that she couldn’t afford.  She soon makes enough to become responsible for herself, buying not only her own toys, but also her own food and clothes.  A few years later she makes enough to become responsible for her family, picking up some of the rent even after she stopped living with them.  She becomes known as the responsible one, the caretaker, Santa to her siblings, the one who gets shit done — those archetypes combined became her primary identity.  Her family and colleagues confirmed her identity.

One foot out the White trash door, why couldn’t she get the other foot out and make a run for it? The opportunity was there.  The scenarios if she takes the job:

* She fails at her new job, returns to her old job.  Or a similar one making same as she did before. Back to same old same old.
* She succeeds at her new job and eventually gets promoted to district manager, or is given a shot at corporate ladder.

Both of which seem a lot better than embarrassing herself to her colleagues and family by turning down a job she’d accepted. But she’s playing on tilt, which is why she can’t think straight, why she’s emotional instead of rational.  All she can think:

 If I fail, that will be evidence that I’m not responsible and competent, and the world will reject me and I’ll lose my identity as the responsible one, the caregiver, I’ll be a loser again, they’ll laugh at me again, everyone will make fun of me again…

At 13, she worked for toys.  At 17, she worked to take care of herself.  At 21, she worked to confirm her identity.  She crumbled at the first perceived threat to her identity.  Happens all the time. Check the socio-economic mobility data for non-immigrant Americans if you don’t believe me.

What Makes People Batshit Crazy
Who is most likely to become batshit crazy?  Pick:
a) White trash who knows she’s White trash.
b) Middle-class who thinks she’s high society
c) Rich kid slumming it with the hobos and peasants.

My picks: b, c, then a.

Who has the highest self-esteem?  Pick:
a) White trash who knows she’s White trash.
b) Middle-class who thinks she’s high society
c) Rich kid slumming it with the hobos and peasants.

My picks: b, c, then a. What am I saying?

Being poor and having low self-esteem doesn’t make one batshit crazy, but not knowing one’s place does. White trash girl who knows she’s White trash not only isn’t batshit crazy, she isn’t offensive because she’s authentic, and that’s why people want to help her, why we like her and root for her.  Middle-class girl who thinks she’s high society will never move up because she can only impress — with her contrived sensibilities — those who can’t help her, and those who can either ignore her or gently laugh at her to put her in her place.  Rich kid slumming is just a confused fuck trying to sort out feelings of guilt, pride, and ennui.

Dissonance between one’s sense of self and “reality” is what makes one batshit crazy.  That’s why the middle-class girl who thinks she’s high society avoids hanging out with rich kid slumming, who doesn’t want to hang out with her anyway.  She’ll only hang out with those who confirm her sense of self, her identity.  And that’s precisely why she’s not going anywhere except to therapy.

Self-Defense Mechanisms 

You know, like rationalization.  Projection.  Denial.  Google them.

The former high school beauty queen can’t figure out why she isn’t getting as much attention from guys (she’s attracted to) as she used to even though she’s gained 30 pounds since graduating from college 5 years ago. “Men around here are sissies, no courage to ask me out” she tells herself and her besties. Then goes to a beauty lounge and takes glamour photos of herself to post on Facebook.  Since she’s a nice girl and has a lot of friends, she gets the responses she needs to confirm her sense of self: ‘like like like like like…’ and comments like: “wow, this is like bringing a gun to a fist fight” from nice guy trying to convince the crowd that he is in fact a nice guy who therefore deserves some pussy; and the ubiquitous “you’re so beautiful” from frenemy fishing for a similar compliment.

Self-defense mechanisms make us do some fucked up shit.  Like purchase accessories, including houses, we can’t afford. Like make bad business decisions that sink life savings. Like get a bullshit degree from a bullshit college, despite warnings about choosing the “wrong major” at the “wrong college.”  And then get another bullshit degree (Masters or JD) from yet another bullshit college when it turns out the first degree is useless.  It’s fucking madness but the madness continues because we filter out the information we don’t want to hear and keep reading the articles that tell us we’re right even when it’s obvious to the Aliens watching us that we’re not.


Ten young women on a trip in some faraway land are stopped and robbed. The robbers choose five to rape. What do you think the five not chosen are thinking and feeling?  You think they’re counting their blessings, “whew, at least I wasn’t raped”? Or is NOT being picked to be raped WORSE than being raped?

(long pause)

That’s how powerful self-defense of identity can be. That’s why White trash girl turns irrational and quits life. The possibility that those who confirm her identity will stop doing so is too much for her to handle. She’d rather be miserable than risk losing her identity.  Ironically, she ends up miserable AND loses her identity. The spark that made people want to help her is gone.

White trash girl was robbed the moment she was born.  Fate wouldn’t let her just be born poor, she had to be poor AND White, which is almost as bad as being Asian and the dumbest kid in school — there is no sympathy, there isn’t even affirmative action, she’s free game to be fucked with.  When given a chance to grab the gun and shoot the dicks off the motherfuckers, she chose to do nothing.  Did she do nothing because it wasn’t worth the risk, or because she was hoping they’d pick her to be raped?

Choose a Reality That Will Make You Change    
Cornell University study: stupid people don’t realize they’re stupid.  That’s why they’re stupid. And the smartest don’t realize they’re that smart.  Socrates said the same thing.  Bill Gates said something similar: “Success is a lousy teacher.  It makes smart people think they can’t lose.” Thanks for the confirmation, Cornell University.

Here’s how it works: those who think they’re “brilliant” or “not stupid” will rarely recognize their own stupidity.  They will see and hear only that which confirms their identity. “Nah nah nah, I didn’t do that, I didn’t say that, that can’t be me, I’m not that dumb.”  Oh yes you are, we have the e-mail transcript to prove it, the evidence is there, you’re in denial, you’re purposely misreading it. Or we make excuses, blame others: “but it was raining, but it was busy, but the test was unfair, but the teacher is a racist, but but but but.” Which are all short-term fixes that fuck up long-term goals. People grow and change only when there’s failure failure failure AND the CAPACITY to learn from them. We stagnate when we avoid (the possibility of) failure, or worse, deny failure ever happened. Which is the same as denying our Original Sin, our total depravity, thus elevating ourselves to deity. One can do no wrong when one is god, right? So what happens when we have a room full of gods?  You get Greek mythology: madness and batshit crazy. (see How Cult of Self-Esteem Produces Fuck ups).

Socrates again: it’s easy to tell a person who thinks she’s stupid that she’s done something stupid. She’s expecting to do something stupid, so she’s looking for instances of her stupidity that will confirm her sense of self. Which is precisely why she grows and changes and moves up in her career, while Mr. Perfect blames reverse discrimination for not getting promoted.  Once she masters a task, her sense of self demands she find a more difficult challenge, one where she fucks up and looks like a dumbass all over again.

Stupid, Useless, Cunt

If you really want to change — you’re tired of banging your head on the same ceiling — choose a reality that will make you change into the person you want to be. “Manager didn’t screw up on inventory, she was just testing to see if I’d catch the mistakes.” “Girl who rejected me isn’t racist, she simply found me obnoxious and rupulsive.” Test isn’t biased, I just didn’t study hard enough.”  “I’m late not because car battery died, but because I didn’t change it before it died.” “The CEO of Walmart isn’t a lazy and greedy piece of shit who works 30 hours a week, he puts in 100 hour weeks and has done so his entire life.” What I tell employees and those who ask me for advice on opening a restaurant:

You want reality?  How’s this for reality. For a month, make a three egg omelet every morning. Make it in less than a minute.  If you can’t make a perfect omelet in less than a minute, find a mirror.  Now stare into your eyes and call yourself a “stupid, useless cunt.” Three times.  Because that’s what someone is thinking every time you fuck up an order.  And even if that isn’t true, it NEEDS TO BE TRUE, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT’S TRUE. If you don’t, you’ll fail, I guarantee it.  “Stupid useless cunt” is what I call myself every morning.  Makes my piss smell good, helps me piss straight. If you can’t handle treating yourself this way, you’re not going to last a month working here, much less running your own unbranded restaurant.

Choose the reality that’ll make you the person you want to be, and not the reality that makes you feel good, short term. Choose life, not escape.  Happy New Year, 2015!

Frequently Asked Questions Part VI

Links to FAQ I, II, III, IV, V


What the fuck are we listening to?
A fight on a bus that’s driving through San Francisco’s Chinatown.

Aren’t you worried about people not paying off their tabs?
No.  That’s between customer and God. We have enough to worry about.

There’s so much information about health and nutrition, politics of food, agriculture, environment.  Which sources do you rely on?
Variety of conflicting sources, including Voltaire Network;  Russia Today (Russian propaganda in response to US propaganda); China Daily (lots of censorship, but most reliable for facts and accuracy); independent journalists such as Lizzie Phelan.

What’s in the “Really Weird Shit”?
Examples include duck tongue, chicken feet, and pig uterus.  We’re looking into insects like grasshopper.

What’s the point of the “Weird Shit” and “Really Weird Shit”?
Reminds customers what’s possible when it comes to food.  It pushes us to expand our palates and to consider more eco friendly alternatives. Insects instead of beef, for instance, may be next frontier.

 Can I have her number?  

Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

Are you fucking my boyfriend? 

Why am I bored of my boyfriend? 
Because you’re in love with love.

Why is my kid so screwed up?
You told your kid she could be this or that but failed to prepare her to become that or this.

How do I prepare my kid to work at Alive Juice Bar?
To start with, teach them to choose the right reality.


Is owner being sarcastic…
Owner is rarely sarcastic.  He prefers to be blunt than make hostile jokes that aren’t funny.

Did the owner tell  my kid to drop out of school? 

Is it true that an employee chased down, with a knife, someone who stole her tip jar?
There’s some truth to that.

Is it true an employee kicked a customer in the ass, hard? 
Yes, but she was off hours.

Did employee really ask an annoying customer to show her his penis?
It happens.

Is it true a former employee still has nightmares about working at Alive Juice Bar?Only one?

Is owner trying to open a Vintage clothing store?
Yes, business plan submitted, in negotiations with landlord.