Monthly Archives: January 2017

Hate Mail Contest II

(Posted on craigslist)

Alright Motherhuggers,

It’s time for Alive Juice Bar’s Second Hate Mail Contest.  Prizes are bigger this time, so let’s do it.

This time, we’re not just doing it to improve the quality of hate mail we receive.  We want to remind people that hate is best expressed via ART, not GUNS.  And this being Seattle — the most passive-aggressive city outside of Japan — it’s especially important for us to recognize the hate and anger within all of us and embrace it before it embraces us.  No one gets shot the next time Milo Yiannapoulos shows up at UW, ok?

And the *quality* of the hate mail we get after we piss someone off still sucks. Example (real):

“What a fucked up job posting. Who the hell would want to work for you after reading that shit? You can tell by what kind of person you are with the attitude you portray on Craigslist. You don’t have the right to talk like that. I feel sorry for the slaves that have to labor under an asshole.”

Boring. Unacceptable. To improve the quality of hate mail we receive, we’re hosting Alive Juice Bar’s second Hate Mail contest. Winner gets $200 gift card. Second place, $50.  Third place, $25.  Everyone else gets a free add-on to their drink.  Employees select finalists to be judged by customers. Your name will be redacted, we will protect your privacy so don’t go chickenshit on us, ok? So let’s get this going, Motherfuggers.

Guidelines: we want well-written, we want art. Don’t just tell us what you think about the person who wrote this ad, tell us WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO DO TO HIM, or HAPPEN TO HIM. Dig deep, find your inner rage, reveal your inner freak — we know there’s some Marquis de Sade in you, we can feel it. Example:

“To the sick fuck who wrote this piece of shit ad, I hope you get gang-banged by giant orangutans until your butthole looks like a donut. You deserve to be buried alive in your own shit because even horse shit is too good for you.”

Some keywords you might want to use or at least consider to get your creative juices flowing: porcupine, jalapenos, Wonder Woman, Donald Trump, pink, King Kong, handcuffs, mini-me, dolphins, charcoal, pirhanahs, Justin Bieber, The Gimp, Michael Jackson, Hello Kitty.

Now to inspire you Motherfuckers, to get you angry enough to turn on the (she)Hulk so you can write some hate mail art: here are a few reasons owner deserves hate mail from you:

Owner is insulting, rude and abusive. Examples:
1) Charging customers $1 to change the music.
2) Telling customer to go to Jamba Juice
3) Calling customers Dumbass for asking for wheatgrass
4) Forcing employee to call customer Fuck-Face. And then charging customer a dollar for the abuse.
5) Charging customer $1 for better service when customer is unhappy with and requests better service
6) Inhumane, slave driving owner who does unspeakable things with jalapenos
7) Telling customers how they fucked up their kids.
8) Calling employees “Stupid, Useless, Cunts.”
9) Demanding improved quality of hate mail sent to him
10) Calling Oprah Winfrey a “House Nigger”
11) Rants about how White people are fucking things up
12) Random misogynistic musings.
13) Routinely playing misogynistic music like “Me So Horny” and “Taught Her How to Fuck.”
14) Prominently displaying Milo Yiannapolous’s book Dangerous
15) Playing videos of Donald Trump’s Top Ten Insults
16) Telling customer he can’t serve him because he doesn’t like him


Less is more.  Nearly all entries we received first time around were too long.  We were touched by how hard and long some worked on their hate mail art but quantity doesn’t make quality. So again, LESS IS MORE.  Write as much as you want, but the real work is EDITING and EDITING it down to something we and our customers can read within 2 minutes.

Don’t hesitate to pretend we (or and especially the owner) is someone you really hate.  Like the boyfriend who ran off with your Dad, who in the process left your Mom.  The girlfriend who convinced you to tattoo her name on your penis, only to dump you after you did it.

Embrace your anger to unleash your imagination.  Listen to Eminem for inspiration. Alright, let’s do, motherfuckers, let’s do it.

If you want examples of owner making misogynistic comments, read:

Examples of owner calling his employees “stupid, useless, cunts,” read:

Owner telling customers how they fucked up their kids:

Owner calling Oprah a “house nigger”:

Owner forcing employee to call customer a Fuck-Face: