Job duties: play house and feed people.  It’s like Jersey Shore meets Portlandia.

How to apply: take Batshit Crazy Detector Test below.

Note: most of you will flunk the test. That’s ok, we’re willing to reprogram you.

Directions: boldface answers.  Like this:

What do you do to employee who goes over on a drink?
a) Stick six jalapenos up his ass
b) Make her listen to R Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” 12 hours straight
c) Lock him in the freezer for an hour.

Cover letter is optional. Attach resume.  Don’t hesitate to use Internet for research.

Let’s begin.  

Part I

Choose one:
a) Love, Respect, Goose
b) Fear, Respect, Love
c) Love, Respect, Love

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

What’s Plato’s Allegory of the Cave about?
a) The meaning of life
b) How to be happy
c) Why we’re all dumbasses

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)60
c)40

How many hours a week does the CEO of Yahoo work?
a)100
b)60
c)40

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)60
c)40

According to Socrates, miserable people are:
a) Dumbasses who don’t realize they’re dumbasses
b) The poor, exploited and overworked by the rich.
c) The rich, as they lack compassion to help those in need.

Why are you so smart?
a) I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart.
b) I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself
c) Genetics, it’s God given.

Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
b) I’m lazy so I rarely ask questions and make too many assumptions
c) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point of this and that.

Why do you work so hard?
a) I have a lot of responsibilities
b) I’m ambitious, I want to do something special
c) I don’t work hard, I’m lazy

Why are you so lazy?
a) I get stressed out easily.
b) I’m self-centered and self-absorbed, so I don’t like making sacrifices for others. It’s too much work.
c) I’m not lazy, and this is getting weird.

Why are you so mean?
a) I’m impatient, I get annoyed at people easily.
b) I’m not mean, I’m nice, I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.  Mean people suck.
c) If I’m not mean, I’ll get stepped on.  They’ll crush me.

Why are you so nice?
a) I want to get ahead in life.
b) I’m not, I’m just faking it to get along.
c) So others will return the favor instead of calling me on my fuck ups.

Part II

Which would you prefer to watch?
a) Nutcracker Suite
b) Guy sucking his own dick.
c) Rabbit trying to have sex with a cat.

Whom would you hire?
a) Person who thinks CEO of Walmart works 30 hours a week.
b) Person who thinks CEO of Walmart works 100 hours a week.
c) Person who thinks CEO of Walmart works 60 hours a week.

Why are dumbasses so stupid?
a) They didn’t get to attend good schools
b) They have low self-esteem
c) They think they’re smart, which ironically makes them stupid.

Who is likely the laziest?
a) Person whose friends work 20 hours a week
b) Person whose friends work 40 hours a week
c) Person whose friends work 80 hours a week.

Who is most likely to *feel* lazy?
a)  Person who works 40 hours a week, friends work 60 hours a week
b)  Person who works 40 hours a week, friends work 20 hours a week.
c)  Person who works 50 hours a week, friends work 50 hours a week.

Who is most likely to *feel* hardworking?
a) Person who works 60 hours a week, friends work 30 hours a week
b) Person who works 70 hours a week, friends work 100 hours a week
c) Person who works 30 hours a week, friends are unemployed.

Who is most likely to feel like a dumbass?
a) Ivy league student
b) Community college student
c) UW student majoring in Human Rights Studies

Who is most likely to act like a dumbass?
a) Person who thinks she’s brilliant
b) Person who thinks he’s a dumbass
c) Person who wrote this shit.  This is fucked up, I’m out, motherfucker.

Who is most likely to think of him/herself as brilliant?
a) Graduate student working on PhD in Physics
b) The undergrad poetry major
c) The third ranked student at a middling high school.

Who is overpaid?
a) Microsoft Engineer making $150,000 a year, full benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation,matching 401k.
b) McDonald’s Cook making $10/hour, no benefits, no paid vacation.
c) Police Officer making $75,000 a year, full benefits, 4 weeks paid vacation, lifetime pension after retirement (20 years service).

Who is most likely to be a dumbass?
a) Person who thinks he’s brilliant.
b) Person who went to ghetto schools
c) Person who got scammed by Cutco and Amway

Resume summaries. Pick:
a) Horny and hungry 16 year old boy seeking job so he can get laid.
b) Smart and energetic honors student seeks job where she can use her awesome communication and social skills to provide stellar customer service.
c) Recent college graduate with degree in Peace and Equality Studies seeking job where she can make the world a better place.

From cover letter. Pick:
a) I’m a really hard and smart worker who is deeply committed to high quality customer service.
b) I’m searching for a position that will give me an opportunity to improve my technical and social skills.
c) I’m a single mother desperately seeking a job, any job, to support my three kids.

What do you do when employee sneezes into salad?
a) Shove 10 jalapenos up his ass
b) Lock him in the freezer until he finishes eating that salad.
c) Say “bless you,” then ask him if he’s sick.

From cover letter, pick:
a)  I’m not sure if I’m good at anything.  So I understand if you’re not interested in hiring me.
b)  I’d be humbled to learn from you, if you find me worthy of your deep and vast wisdom.
c)  I’ll suck your dick if you give me this job.

What do you do when someone parks illegally in front of store and spends two hours in the gym?
a) Write parking tickets, one on front windshield, one on sunroof, one on back windshield.  Watch and laugh as he gets out of car two times to remove tickets.
b) Call security to do something about the situation.
c) Remind him that he’s parked illegally.

Part III

OPEN ENDED QUESTION
Person A from age 5 to 25, attended school 6 hours a day until age 18 (after which he worked full-time instead of going to college), studied 4 hours a day, spent 6 hours of leisure time learning to build and building, with like-minded friends, random things: a tree house, a bridge, a dog walking robot, a better blow-up doll, a smaller stereo system. A also spent an hour per day daydreaming of building something that will improve world’s standard of living. At age 25, he is working as an electrical engineering making $150,000 as a product developer for a green tech company. He gets 3 weeks vacation, full benefits paid. He works 60-80 hours per week, and is expected to be available for phone calls and e-mails during his vacations. He pays Federal Government 30 percent of his earnings.

Person B, from age 5-25, attended school 6 hours a day, studied 1 hour a day, spent 6 hours a day passively watching TV shows and films like Jersey Shore and Twilight and jerking off to porn, 3 hours a day daydreaming about being wealthy and pampered and adored by everyone. At age 25, he graduates with a degree in Socks, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Unable to find a job in his field of study, he takes a job as a cashier at McDonald’s, making $10 per hour, 40 hours per week, or $20,000 for the year. He doesn’t have to pay income tax.
Let’s assume one of them is “underpaid.” Which one and why?

Open Ended Question

Mary hires Peter and Paul to dig two ditches, assigning one to each. Peter finishes in one hour because he used his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper. Paul, using a shovel, finishes his in 8 hours. How much should Mary pay Peter. How much to Paul? Whom should she hire if she wants a third ditch?

Part IV

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question, like, 3 times.  This is some fucked up shit,.Suck it, fuckface.

How many hours did Peter spend developing his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper?
a) 2, genius comes naturally to him
b) 200, he got a lucky break
c) 2000, innovation is hard work

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers and snorting cocaine.

Why are you so lazy?
a) There’s no point in working hard. Life is unfair, it won’t get me anywhere.
b) Most of my friends are lazy. It’s contagious.
c) I’ve never been exposed to those who work hard and long, like 100 hours a week.

The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry motherfucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny.  Ha ha.  Ha.  Right?

Written primarily for employees, but may be useful to others. For non-employees reading this, skip to Ideal Smoothie section.

Definition of Smoothie (ours)
A blender blended drink.

Comment: Meaning, a smoothie doesn’t necessarily have to contain ice (and be served cold) and can contain any ingredient that can be blended.  That includes bacon (bacon ice cream!), chicken liver, halibut, and gold. We’re using this definition because there are instances when a customer doesn’t want, for instance, ice.  And we’ve added bacon to a smoothie. The possibilities are endless.  Be prepared to work outside of the standard, and to let the customer know when they’ve ordered a drink that’s not standard.

The Standard Alive Juice Bar Smoothie
A Vitamix blended drink consisting of ice, ingredients, and liquid.  The purpose of the ice is to make the drink taste better and last longer (prevent spoilage); ingredients for nutrition; liquid for nutrition and to make blending of ice and ingredients possible.

Comment: It won’t occur to some customers that liquid is necessary component of a smoothie.  Be prepared to explain why liquid is necessary.

Ideal Smoothie
Think about what you want from a smoothie.  Should it look pleasing to the eye?  What range of colors are acceptable?  What range of temperatures are acceptable?  How thick should it be?  How smoothie the texture?   Once you’ve imagined your ideal smoothie(s), reverse engineer.  Marco Pierre White explains this process:

Cook’s brain.  It’s that ability to visualize the food on the plate, as a picture in the mind, and then work backwards.  There’s no reason why domestic cooks can’ do the same thing.  Cooking is easy: you’ve just got to think about what you are doing and why you are doing it.

Apply the cook’s brain and visualize that fried egg on the plate.  Do you want it to be burned around the edges? Do you want to see craters on the egg white? Should the yolk look as if you’d need a hammer to break into it? The answer to all these questions should be no. Yet the majority of people still crack an egg and drop it into searingly hot oil and continue to cook it on high heat.  You need to insert earplugs to reduce the horrific volume of the sizzle.  And the result, once served up in a pool of oil, is an inedible destruction of that greatest ingredient — the egg. Maybe that’s how you like it, in which case carry on serving your disgusting food.

If you want a disgusting smoothie, randomly cobble together ingredients.

The Wrong Way
And that’s now many make their smoothies.  “Gotta have some kale and spinach,” she reminds herself. “I’ve been craving strawberries, so I’ll add some of those. Cranberries to help with urinary tract infection.  Yum, blueberries and raspberries. Yogurt and orange juice.” Then wonders why smoothie tastes too tart, is unappealing in color, and is too runny in texture.

A good smoothie isn’t a collection of one’s preferred ingredients.  A good smoothie is balanced in texture and flavor, and appealing in color.  If it’s shit brown, you fucked up (unless customer insists on having it this way).  While some customers don’t mind shit brown drinks, they’re still carrying them in public view, unintentionally branding our products as looking like shit.  Which for some, is the same as tasting like shit.  Looks matter, it changes perception, alters experience.  A well plated dish will taste better than its sloppy plated version. Think about the importance of plating the next time you eat at a Japanese restaurant.

Some are more comfortable with nasty looking drinks because they associate nasty with healthy.  If they insist, fine (we usually try to get them to add beets to their drink so it turns purple).  Keep in mind we’re in the business of getting people to STOP thinking of healthy food as nasty food.  We’re in business to convince people that healthy food is the tastiest food.  And those who don’t agree have fucked up palates that need to be fixed.

Alive Juice Bar Way
There’s the wrong way, the right way, and then the Alive Juice Bar way.  We teach employees to look at an ingredient not as a “pineapple” or “mango” or “carrot juice,” as quantities to be added to a smoothie.  The essence of a *piece* of pineapple (each piece of unique) is its texture and flavor.  So there’s no point in asking how many pieces of this and that to add.  Some pieces contain more flavor than do others. And since we prep everything in-house, by hand, the size of each piece ranges.  So employees are trained to recognize and work with volume instead of quantity.

Flavor Project: imagine your ideal flavor.  In front of you are three pieces of pineapple.  One of the pieces is bright yellow.  Another piece is a muted yellow. Final piece is faintly yellow.  Which one do you pick? Think about the flavor of each piece.

The bright yellow is sweetest.  The faintly yellow is least sweet.  So when you make a smoothie with pineapples, you adjust VOLUME (not quantity) of pineapple based on its flavor (as represented by its color).  Estimate flavor (eg. sweetness, tartness) using color as clue.

Texture Project: Lineup of avocado, banana, and baked yam.  Take bite of each.  Order from most fibrous to least. Pick:

a) Avocado, banana, yam
b) Avocado, yam, banana
c) Banana, avocado, yam

If you picked B, you’re correct. The amount of fiber you put into a drink will determine its texture.  If you like it runny, put less fiber.  If you like it thick, add more fiber.  You should’ve noticed that the more fibrous the ingredient, the harder it is to swallow.  Use water to aid with swallowing.  Meaning, if you replace a banana with an avocado (assuming same serving size), you’ll have to adjust liquid to fiber ratio.  You’ll have to add a lot more liquid. If not enough liquid is added, the drink will be too think to drink.  Maintain the balance. And train your eyes to estimate fiber.

Color Project: Making a smoothie is similar (not same) to mixing colors in art class.  Assume one cup for each of the following ingredients: Kale + strawberries = x; Beets + Pineapple = y; Kale + Pineapple = z

Answers: x = brown; y = red; z = green

Imagine the range of ideal colors. If your drink is outside the range, you can bet the flavor is also off.  Redo.

In short, to build a good smoothie, focus on building the correct balance of FLAVOR, TEXTURE, and COLOR.

The Cooking Instinct
It’s not that hard to do once you unlearn everything taught in school and regain trust in your instinct, instinct that many of us have been taught to repress. If you can’t work without a recipe, then you’ve repressed your primal self and need help. Seriously.  More on this in forthcoming post: How to Cook Without Recipes.