We’re hiring, downtown Everett. Need Manager ($18-$20/hour plus tips) a couple of Bitches ($13.50, less if under 16, get tips once you graduate from Bitch).
Apply if you want to learn how to:
* Hack open a coconut with a badass butcher knife
* Stop whining about stupid shit
* Stop making lame excuses
* Call customer a Fuck-Face when asked to do so
* Make kale and yam chips
* Learn to ask good questions
* Not tolerate middle-class manners and sensibilities
* Stop talking like a pompous fucktard
* Listen and comprehend
* Make juices and smoothies from scratch
*Write a resume and cover letter
Perks: free drinks, some free food. Field trips to cool restaurants so you learn about interesting food. Mostly regular customers who are cool because we’ve ejected most of the pain in the ass customers.
Below are our application questions. Boldface your answers, like this:
Which color ball do you prefer?
a) This one
b) That one
c) This is a stupid question.
Pick one answer only. Don’t make up your own answers. A few questions have two correct responses. Send to firstname.lastname@example.org
Your son is sick. What do you do?
a) stay home with him to dote on him until he gets better
b) let him die, he’s going to be a meth addict anyway
c) have him get better in the spare room in the basement, throw out his favorite toy
Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
Why are unhappy people chronically unhappy?
a) They think they should be happy all the time
b) They’re stressed out all the time
c) They’re poor
You move to another city and your child enrolls in a new school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student. What do you do?
a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard.
b. Tell him that this school must have low standards and put him in another school.
c. Tell him teachers at previous school were idiots, this is a much better school.
The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
a) Bus driver’s
c) My fault
Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him?
b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
c) Wussup, fuckface?
Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond?
a) I’m doing very well, thank you. How are you?
b) What do you want?
c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some!
Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond?
a) She put it there, not me.
b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
c) I’ll move it.
Owner teaches you to make something one way. Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching. Whose way do you follow?
c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!
Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do?
a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day.
b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.
How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
How many hours a week does Taylor Swift work?
Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
a) Nobody’s, sometimes shit happens
b) The battery’s.
c) My fault
Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond?
a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
c) Ask the manager to answer his question.
As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond?
a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
b) Smile more.
c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.
How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance.
c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.
Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) I’m not stupid.
c) I’m too lazy to ask enough questions.
How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are.
b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.
How do you improve overall academic performance at a school?
a) Increase funding so facilities can be improved.
b) Increase number of Asian (from Confucian cultures only) students
c) Increase salaries so teachers perform better
Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) How am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.
Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch.
b. Black kid molested by his football coach
c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
Someone leaves knives in soapy water. What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour.
c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives.
Your 8 year old is new at school. He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back. He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him. What’s your response?
a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out. End with hug.
Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her?
a) Tell her you thought she was the best
b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.
What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?
Who is most likely batshit crazy?
c.Phuc-Dat Bich (real name)
Who is most likely suicidal?
a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice warrior
c. Tyrone, he’s in jail