Summary: Manual for Alive Juice Bar managers.    

I. Imitate the best. Treat employees and customers as they treat(ed) theirs.
a. Examples: Marco Pierre White; Charlie Trotter; Thomas Keller; David Chang

b. The best (from all fields) study and work with human nature.  They’re realists about themselves and other people.

II. Recognize human nature.
a. People don’t change, even if they want to change. Personality is set by ~ age 6; habits by ~ 18; character by ~30. Growing wiser isn’t the same as changing.

b. People can change temporarily.  They revert back to their true (baseline) selves when overwhelmed or when they think they can get away with it.

c. People will deceive themselves and others to protect their identity.

d. People will rage against those who challenge their identity

e. Despite the self-deception, deep down people know who they really are, their proper place in society, and what’s really going on within and around them.

III. Work with human nature
a. Don’t try to change a person’s sense of self. Never try to beat self-deception. Let it be, work with it.

b. When trying to change behavior, focus on one or two at a time, and make it stick with repetition.  Don’t overwhelm someone by pointing out all mistakes.  Change is painful work.

c. Telling and showing someone how to do something and watching them do it correctly once isn’t enough.  Mastery and change requires repetition.  Drill the person — repetition —  you’re training. Create a habit so they don’t have to think about what they’re doing. Don’t give someone the option to take short-cuts, to be lazy.

d. People revert back to their true state when overwhelmed by the difficulties of life. Prevent reversion by slowly increasing amount of stress one can handle.  Tolerance for stress is a muscle that can grow stronger with training.

e. Once someone reverts back to their baseline state, they have to be retrained, just as with addicts.

f. People are more likely to do what you want them to do if they think it benefits them.

IV Manage Human Nature
a. People are contagious.  We’ll keep one emotionally disturbed knucklehead around. Any more and everyone gets infected.

b. People are contagious.  Note the company an employee spends most time with.  Wrong crowd means it’s time to get rid of her.

c. People are contagious.  Push employees to make progress in their lives, to strive for new achievements.  It’ll energize the crew and customers.

d. Mindset and attitude are more important than technical skills.  People don’t change, you can’t change someone’s mindset and attitude, you can’t make someone coachable.  But it’s easy to teach someone who is coachable new technical skills.  That’s why Charlie Trotter hired those without restaurant experience.

e. Trust your guts, never your heart.  Your gut is the subconscious processing reality, often into uncomfortable truths about yourself and others. Your heart tells you what you want to hear, which is rarely the truth.

f. Use fear to manage employees and customers.  If there’s no fear, there’s no respect.  If there’s no respect, there’s no love.

Quiz:
1. What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if  you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?

2. Daughter wants a car.  How should she ask her parents?
a. I got straight As, I deserve a car.
b. Mom, buy me a car or I’m telling Dad you’ve been fucking Uncle Burt.
c. If you buy me a car, I’ll drive you home when you get wasted, like you do every weekend.  It’ll cost less than a DUI lawyer and increased insurance rate.

3. A woman most consider beautiful thinks of herself as ugly.  Which comment makes her feel best?
a. You’re not ugly, you’re gorgeous.
b. You need to lose some weight.
c. Anyone who thinks you’re ugly is a fool.

4. Which 6 year old is most likely to become a serial killer?  
a. The one who gets bitch slapped for getting a B
b. The one who tortures animals for fun.
c. The boy who is forced to dress like a girl by his sisters.

5. Which teenager is most likely to become CEO of a publicly traded company?
a. The drug dealer who also prints counterfeit money and routinely breaks into cars to take on joy ride.
b. The A student and winner of “Best Citizen Award” who goes on to major in Computer Science at MIT
c. The All-State athlete who goes on to star at D-1 level.

6. How do you motivate someone who is self-driven?
a. Be encouraging, tell her how awesome she is.
b. Be supportive, ask him if there’s anything you can do to help.
c. Go drill sergeant on him, tell him to stop acting like a stupid, lazy, cunt.

7. How do you get someone who is lazy and has high self-esteem to fix a mistake?
a. Feed her bullshit sandwich — compliment followed by criticism followed by a compliment.
b. Go drill sergeant on him, tell him to stop acting like a stupid, lazy, cunt.
c. Be encouraging, tell her how awesome she is.

8. An employee leaves sharp knives in soapy water.  What should you say to her?
a. Please don’t do that again, it’s dangerous, someone can get hurt.
b. If you’re being sadistic and want to see blood, fine.  If not, you’re a self-absorbed knucklehead.
c. Do that again and I’ll kill you with the knife I find in the water.

Answers:
1. b (Always appeal to another’s self-interest)
2. c (Always appeal to another’s self-interest)
3. b (People enjoy hearing that which confirms their sense of self)
4. b (Habits don’t change)
5. a (CEOs are conscientious rule breakers and problem solvers; habits don’t change)
6. c (Many highly motivated people feel inadequate; confirms sense of self)
7. a (Those with inflated self-esteem are easily hurt and need much affirmation to prevent depression and anxiety)
8. b (We don’t punish someone for being intentional, even if intention is sadism; we punish self-absorbed and inconsiderate behavior).

Next section will be on How to Detect Bullshit.

Suggested Readings:
48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
The 50th Law by Robert Greene and 50 Cent
The Prince by Nicolo Machiavelli
The Republic by Plato

 

(Posted on Craigslist)

Job duties: Get shit done without annoying co-workers and most customers.

Job requirements: Be coachable.

Style of Service: Attentive rather than polite. We anticipate customer needs, get inside their heads.

Preferred: Can speak foreign language. Can cook and serve for a 100 person wedding.

To apply, take our psychological assessment test.

Most of you will flunk this test. That’s ok, we just want to see where you’re at in life and maybe we’ll try to work with it. If you’re not delusional, great, maybe you can manage and someday own the business. In any case, have fun with the test.  Don’t think too hard, don’t hesitate to use the internet to research, and boldface your answers, like this:

Why am I taking this test?
a) I’m sadistic
b) I’m wasted
c) I’m batshit crazy

Pay is $10-$14 plus tips ($5-$7/hour).  Perks: free juice and dance classes (we have a dance studio).

Multiple Choice Questions

Which is not a Basic Bitch degree?
a) Environmental Science
b) Psychology
c) Physics

What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy

Why are so many poor Americans fat?
a) They’re lazy and have bad habits.
b) They don’t have access to or money to buy healthy food
c) They don’t have the education to know what’s best for them.

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
a) 100
b) 70
c) 40

What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.

What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary

Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!

Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.

What affect does raising teacher wages have on teacher performance?
a) They don’t perform any better or worse, people are creatures of habit
b) They perform better, money is a great motivator
c)  They perform worse, money corrupts.

What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big dick, what the fuck does this have to do with this stupid job?

What’s the best way to improve employee performance?
a) Increase their pay, show them the $$$
b) Be nicer to them, less stress = more success
c) Scare the shit out of them, people get smart when it’s sink or swim.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I don’t have many responsibilities
b) I’m not lazy, I give it my best every day.
c) It’s too hard to think about the wants and needs of others.

What would you most likely pay money to watch?
a) Rabbit humping a growling cat
b) Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite
c) Guy sucking his own dick.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s because of someone else.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

Why are you so silly?
a) I’m wasted
b) I like acting silly.
c) I’m not silly, you’re the one who is silly.

What percentage of businesses fail within 5 years?
a) 50 percent
b) 20 percent
c) 2 percent

Are business owners entitled to a living wage?
a) Yes, everyone is entitled to a living wage.
b) No, it’s business owner’s fault she sucks at work and life
c) No, but we should set up programs to help business owners succeed.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m bored.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.

Which is not a Basic Bitch major?
a) Communications
b) Marketing
c) Computer Science

How do you get someone to change?
a) Love
b) People don’t change
c) Fear

 

OPEN ENDED QUESTION
Person A from age 5 to 25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 4 hours a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time learning to build and building, with like-minded friends, random things, like a tree house, a bridge, a dog walking robot. A also spends an hour per day daydreaming of building something that will improve world’s standard of living. At age 25, he graduates with a Masters degree in electrical engineering and is offered a salary of $150,000 to work as a product developer for a green tech company. He gets 3 weeks vacation, full benefits. He accepts the position and works 60-80 hours per week, and is expected to be available for phone calls and e-mails during his vacations. He pays Federal Government 30 percent of his earnings.

Person B, from age 5-25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 1 hour a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time passively watching TV shows and films like Jersey Shore and Twilight, 3 hours a day daydreaming about being wealthy and pampered and adored by everyone. At age 25, he graduates with a degree in Basic Bitch and a minor in Socks, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Unable to find a job in his field of study, he takes a job as a cashier at McDonald’s, making $12 per hour, 40 hours per week, or $24,000 a year. He doesn’t have to pay taxes.

Let’s assume one of them is “underpaid.” Which one and why? (One sentence, keep it short).

Multiple Choice

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
b)BMW
c)Hummer

How do you respond when your partner tells you you’re lazy?
a) I’m not lazy, I do this this and that for you, you never notice!
b) Why am I lazy?
c) You’re the one who is lazy, asshole.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question, like, 3 times.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.

Open Ended Question

Mary hires Peter and Paul to dig two ditches, assigning one to each. Peter finishes in one hour because he used his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper. Paul, using a shovel, finishes his in 8 hours. How much should Mary pay Peter. How much to Paul? Whom should she hire if she wants a third ditch? (One sentence, keep it short).

Multiple Choice

How many hours did Peter spend developing his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper?
a) 2, genius comes naturally to him
b) 200, he got a lucky break
c) 2000, innovation is hard work

Why are you so lazy?
a) There’s no point in working hard. Life is unfair, it won’t get me anywhere.
b) Most of my friends are lazy. It’s contagious.
c) I’ve never been exposed to those who work hard and long, like 100 hours a week.

Who is overpaid?
a) Microsoft Engineer making $150,000 a year, full benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation,matching 401k.
b) McDonald’s Cook making $13/hour, no benefits, no paid vacation.
c) Police Officer making $75,000 a year, full benefits, 4 weeks paid vacation, lifetime pension after retirement (20 years service).

The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry motherfucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny.  Ha ha.  Ha.  Right?