The Jedi code is stupid. The Dark Side is the right side. We will teach you the ways of the Dark Side. The Sith code:
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
Job Description: Enforce our will on all who oppose us. Keep proto-fascists out of Death Star. Do whatever it takes to grow and defend the Empire.
Job Perks: free juice, some free food. Free use of dance studio when it’s not being used.
Below are our application questions. Your answers will show us if you’re ready to join the Dark Side and what you need to learn to harness the Dark Force. Boldface your answers, like this:
Which color ball do you prefer?
a) This one
b) That one
c) This is a stupid question.
Send with resume to firstname.lastname@example.org
Whom does Chewbacca want to bang?
a) Princess Leia
c) Darth Vader
Who has the biggest penis?
b) Darth Vader
Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
Pick best Golden Rule:
a) Treat others as you want to be treated
b) Treat others as they treat you
c) Trick or treat!
Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him?
b) Hello sir, how are you this evening?
c) Wussup, fuckface?
The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
a) Bus driver’s
c) My fault
Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond?
a) I’m doing very well. How are you?
b) What do you want?
c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some!
Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond?
a) She put it there, not me.
b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there.
c) I’ll move it.
a) Love, Respect, Love
b) Fear, Respect, Love
c) Love, Goose, Love
Do you believe in self-love?
a) No, only those who are chronically unhappy and deeply troubled believe and need that shit.
b) Yes, in this time of hate, we all need to love ourselves more so we can love others more.
c) No, that’s not allowed in Death Star, which I’ve sworn to protect.
Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m not lazy.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) I’ve got to be if I’m filling this out.
What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy
How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
How many hours a week does Darth Vader work?
How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
How many hours a week does Taylor Swift work?
What is Taylor Swift most likely doing right now?
a) Shaving off tied up Luke Skywalker’s pubic hair with his light saber while singing Blank Space
b) Singing Teardrops on My Guitar while having sex with Anakin Skywalker as a tied up Padme watches
c) Doing take after take for her next video
Whom does Luke Skywalker want to bang?
a) Princess Leia
b) Darth Vader
What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.
What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Pretending he’s Jabba the Hut while banging his secretary dressed as Princess Leia
What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes like they’re ewoks.
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Chewbacca
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with the Dark Side?
Someone leaves knives in soapy water. What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
b) Lock her in the freezer with Greedo for an hour.
c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives while singing Big Girls Don’t cry.
Padme walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Sheev walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first?
Tiffany’s daughter is throwing ice cubes at other customers. What do you do?
a) Tell them to “get the fuck out.”
b) Politely ask Tiffany to tell her daughter to stop
c) Throw ice cubes at them.
You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do?
a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day.
b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening.
c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.
You’re sampling drinks. What do you say to get someone to try one?
a) “Hi, would you like to try this?
b) “Try this.”
c) “Drink this or I’ll hit you.”
Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
a) Nobody, sometimes shit happens
b) The battery’s.
c) My fault
Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond?
a) Tell him what you think is most popular.
b) Ask him which flavors he prefers.
c) Ask the manager to answer his question.
As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond?
a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.”
b) Smile more.
c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.
How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are.
b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.
How do you produce kids who will become batshit crazy as adults?
a) Tell them how wonderful and special they are, all the time.
b) Beat the shit out of them
c) Ignore them
Your 8 year old is new at school. He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back. He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him. What’s your response?
a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out. End with hug.
Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) How am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.
Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch.
b. Black kid molested by his football coach
c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her?
a) Tell her you thought she was the best
b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.
What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want?
a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass.
b. Drink that kale smoothie if you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it.
c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?
Someone mugs you. Whose fault is it that you got mugged?
a) My fault