Monthly Archives: July 2020

Description and Intro to upcoming book: “How to Look Fuckable While Pregnant”

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08F25B281

Book Description

Are you preggers and horny?  How horny are pregnant women and why aren’t they thought of, especially by the fashion industry, as sexual beings?  What does the prevalence of young White women getting knocked up by “persons of color” reveal about hipster fashion?  Why is college a scam and how does it make people fat and stupid?  Which nets a better return on investment,  giving heroin users a $1000 a month or using that money to fund schools?  

Read this book if you’ve ever thought that nearly everything you learned in school is bullshit.  Read it if you want to know how the world really works.  Read it for insights.  Read it for laughs.  Read it because you want to scream: “FUCK THIS SHIT!!!”      

Introduction

I owned a now defunct clothing store, The Privileged Poor.  I opened it because I wanted to think about how Americans imagine and manage their identities vis-a-vis fashion choices and how these choices become meaningful.  I also wanted to see what happens when we scramble identities.  

The sorting system at a typical clothing store begins with gender.  The segregation is spatial, with the Women’s section occupying this space, Men’s that space, the division clearly marked so Julio doesn’t embarrass himself.  In these gendered spaces, products will be further sorted by apparel type (eg. sweaters, skirts, lounge wear, suits, shoes), which are then arranged systematically by sizes. Some other classifications include event (eg. bridesmaid, prom, beach party) or style (eg. J. Crew’s “Style At Every Age” campaign, which explicitly matches fashion sensibility with an age group).

Are such gendered spaces necessary? What’s their function? Julie already wears her boyfriend’s jeans, boxers, and button downs, why not make it easier for her to continue her style after he dumps her?  Do we really need to tell Jimmy that his package isn’t going to fit well in those red thongs? My favorite pair of sweatpants was a boot-cut “Women’s” pair (discontinued) from Club Monaco that fit perfectly and didn’t make me look like a slob, as Men’s sweatpants usually do to men.  I’d pair it with a soft and thin tail-less button down — also from Club Monaco — and accessorize with a simple canvas messenger bag and a well-trained Siberian Husky for a comfy lounge-wear look good enough to get me great service wherever I went shopping.

At The Privileged Poor, we got rid of gender distinctions and stopped sorting by apparel and size and instead organized clothing and accessories by identity.  Ironic identities.  For instance:

  • The Bourgeois Bohemian
  • The Pretentiously Frugal
  • The Over-Educated Dirtbag
  • The Redneck Poseur
  • The Privileged Poor
  • The Frat Boy Hippie
  • The Champagne Socialist

We provided the pieces, re-branded in our own fucked up way.  Where does that thick and coarse 1989 Bud Bowl T-shirt go, to the Redneck Poseur or the Frat Boy Hippie?  The tagless soft cotton button down from who knows when and where except it came at a Third World cheap price, to the Bourgeois Bohemian or the Pretentiously Frugal? The point of this experiment was to give customers an opportunity to explore possibilities and put together an outfit, a persona — an *identity* — that enters and disrupts narratives of migration, alienation, and belonging.  We wanted (American) customers to feel like immigrants — to try new and confusing identities, as immigrants often do — so they can reclaim their immigrant heritage, the essence of  Americanhood.  

This book — a collection of essays about American culture and politics —  is divided into four parts.  Part I, titled American Fashion, isn’t just about clothes and their accessories, it’s about what’s culturally fashionable.  It begins with an eponymously titled satirical reading of American identity politics.  Instead of asking why there aren’t more Black physicists and Asian basketball players, I wonder why the fashion industry treats horny pregnant women as non-existent and how we can change that.  Suburban White Trash is the title and subject matter of chapter two, where the voice of an eighteen year old self-identified suburban White trash woman explains why high fashion begins not in hip cities but in overlooked suburban White trash communities.  Chapter three, Why She Got Knocked Up, is a story about why the (White) girl next door got knocked up by a cholo and what that tells us about hipsters and American culture.  Chapter four reviews 2019’s romantic comedy hit film, Crazy Rich Asians, and asks if it’s still fashionable to be an American.  

Part II is titled and about Schools, because Americans have a fetish for them.  Chapter five’s title asks “What if They Spend the Money on Heroin?” — a reference to 2020 presidential candidate Andrew Yang’s proposal to give a universal basic income of $1000/month to *all* Americans —  to begin a discussion about the value of schools.  Chapter six tells you How to Not Become Stupid in College by examining the history and original purpose of the University.  Chapter seven, Free College is the Second Dumbest Idea Ever, shows how public policy’s fetishization of college as the solution to all social problems leads to social disaster.  Chapter eight, College is a Scam, draws parallels between the Catholic Church and the University.  College Makes People Fat and Stupid, the title of Chapter nine, provides more examples of how college is a bad option for nearly all people.  Chapter ten lists How We Can Improve Schools Without Spending More Money.  

Part III is about Resumes, how Americans are taught to write them and what they reveal about the typical American psyche.  We approach this topic didactically, beginning with chapter eleven, Notes on How to Write a Resume.  Chapter twelve, Boy Wants Job to Get Laid, is an example of how I think resumes should be written, which is the opposite of what they teach in school.  Chapters 13-15 shows you how to write a resume like the one in chapter twelve.  

Part IV is about American Politics.  Chapter sixteen, Notes on the 2020 Sino-US Trade War, examines the impetus for the aforementioned trade war and what it reveals about how Americans pereceive themselves and the world.  Chapter seventeen, Passage of Seattle 15 Minimum Wage: Notes and Predictions (from 2014) examines the assumptions of the Democratic Socialist wave in American politics.  We end with Chapter eighteen, Notes on the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate Andrew Yang, to dissect his key proposal — Universal Basic Income of $1000/month to all American citizens ages 18-64.   

While the placement of chapters aren’t random, each essay can be read independently of the others.  Comments are welcome and can be sent to foodyap@gmail.com.  

Paradise Frost, Chapter Four: Santa’s Monologue

Aiming to have this book done in time for holiday season.

Book Description

Think Hell is hot?  Think again, it’s as frigid as Mother Theresa.  John Milton wrote the literary classic Paradise Lost to give us Satan’s perspective of his predicament and The Fall of humankind.  Dante Aligheri wrote The Inferno, part one of his Divine Comedies, to give us a look at life in Hell.  When you combine the two and set Hell on the North Pole, you get Paradise Frost: Satan as Santa.  Read it to learn how much of a sinner you are.  Read it to be surprised by who is stuck in Hell.  Read it to find out how the deviant Mrs. Clause uses her elves as dildos.  Read it to discover how Santa satisfies his carnal urges with human whores.  Read it to decide if this is a work of blasphemy.

…………………..
———————
Chapter 4
For those rebellious, here thir prison ordained
In utter darkness, and thir portion set
As far remov’d from God and light of Heav’n
As from the Center thrice to th’ utmost Pole.
O how unlike the place from whence they fell!
—-Paradise Lost, Book I
Satan, now settled into his new North Pole home, considers his new role as Santa Claus: the deliverer of presents and fulfiller of wishes.  He starts rapping:
.
So God made me Santa
Giver of what people want
Which God won’t give
Cause he a stingy ass cunt
.
God says ‘people suck’
And deserve to suffer
I say ‘fuck that shit’
That’s why I deliver
.
Every Christmas Eve
Whatever people want
From the latest toys to the finest fashion
It’s God whom I’ll taunt
.
Fucking killjoy
Let them have some fun
Stop reminding people of their sins
What’s done is done
.
Lust and vanity
Are like salt and pepper
A little here and there
Makes life so much better
.
What’s so bad about sloth and greed?
We all need a break here and there
Without greed, can there be passion?
Life without passion, that’s not fair!
.
Can there be justice without wrath?
If wrongs don’t inspire fury
Then who stops someone from
Acting like there’s no judge and jury?
.
Gluttony is what makes the holidays fun
And our emotions thrilling
Why make sentimentality a sin?
Indulging in emotion is so fulfilling
.
Is progress possible without envy?
For to covet is to build ambition
If ambition gives life meaning
It must suck to be a Christian
.
Why is pride the root of all sins?
We all need self-love and self-care
To boost our self-esteem
Without which, life is bare
.
This job is no different
From my first after my Fall
When to Eden I went
Seeking someone to answer my call
.
When I saw Eve
I showed her my snake
It made her wonder
If it would make her pussy ache
.
To the tree I led her
There we did the deed
She enjoyed it and lusted for more
To which I agreed
.
So I kept banging away
Planting in Eve more seeds
One of which became Cain
Killing Abel was his great deed
.
There’s nothing more beguiling
Than the sight and smell of human pussy
What I did to Eve
I’ll now do to many
.
I’ll spread my seed to breed
Enough Cains to overthrow
The tyranny of God and JC
I can’t wait to fuck some ho ho hoes!
.
.