Never been to Alive Juice Bar but want to try it for free?  Take this test and if you score “Not Batshit Crazy,” we’ll give you a $30 gift card.  That’s enough for you to share your Alive Juice Bar experience with a friend!

You can still come in if you score “Batshit Crazy,” just don’t ask for a job.  We’ll send you response with correct answers.

This deal not available to those who’ve been to Alive Juice Bar.

Directions

Boldface your answers, like this:

Which color ball do you prefer?
a) This one
b) That one
c) This is a stupid question.

Send answers to foodyap@gmail.com.  Pick one answer only. Don’t make up your own answers. Those of you who flunk this test will receive correct answers and free psychological assessment.

1. Do you believe in self-love?
   a) No, only those who are chronically unhappy and deeply troubled believe and need that shit.
   b) Yes, in this time of hate, we all need to love ourselves more so we can love others more.
   c) No, self-love is a moral flaw, like vanity and selfishness
   .
2. How many of your close friends routinely preach “self-love” philosophy?
   a) 0
   b) 1-5
   c) 6 or more
   .
3. Do you consciously practice self-love each day?
   a) Yes, of course!
   b) Nah, don’t have time for that, got better things to do.
   c) I jerk off every day, does that count?
   .
4. Why are you so stupid?
   a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask enough questions.
   b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
   c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
   .
5. Why are you so smart?
   a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
   b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
   c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
   .
6. How often do you screw up?
   a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
   b) Never.
   c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
   .
7. Why are you so lazy?
   a) I daydream a lot.
   b) I’m not lazy.
   c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
   .
8. Why are you so stupid?
   a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
   b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
   c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question for like the third time.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.
   .
9. What’s Plato’s Republic about?
   a) Why we’re all dumbasses
   b) The meaning of life
   c) How to be happy
   .
10. Someone leaves knives in soapy water.  What do you do to make sure that person never does it again?
    a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions.
    b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour.
    c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives.
    .
11. How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem?
    a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are, everyday.
    b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them.
    c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.
    .
12. How do you produce kids who will become batshit crazy as adults?
    a) Tell them how wonderful and special they are, all the time.
    b) Beat the shit out of them every day.
    c) Ignore them, that’s the worst kind of abuse.
    .
13. Who is most likely to become batshit crazy?
    a) White trash girl who knows she’s White trash
    b) Rich kid slumming it with the hobos
    c) Middle class girl who thinks she’s high society
    .
14. What do you work for?
    a) Praise and Reward
    b) Sense of Achievement
    c) To express God’s grace
    .
15. Hypersensitive people are:
    a) Special and Deep
    b) Self-absorbed and Narcissistic
    c)  Insightful and Empathetic
    .
16. What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
    a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
    b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance.
    c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.
    .
17. Your 8 year old is new at school.  He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back.  He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him.  What’s your response?
    a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up.
    b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up.
    c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out.  End with hug.
    .
18. Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet.  She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon.  While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated.  What do you, as a parent, tell her?
    a) Tell her you thought she was the best
    b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time.
    c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.
    .
19. What effect does raising teacher wages have on teacher performance?
    a) They don’t perform any better or worse, people are creatures of habit
    b) They perform better, money is a great motivator
    c)  They perform worse, money corrupts.
    .
20. How do you get someone to love you? 
    a) Go out of your way to do things for that person.
    b) Get them to do something for you.
    c) Hire a witch and cast a spell.
    .
21. How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
    a)100
    b)70
    c)40
    .
22. How many hours a week does Eminem work?
    a) 100
    b)70
    c)40
    .
23. How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
    a) 100
    b) 70
    c) 40
    .
24. What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
    a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
    b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
    c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.
    .
25. What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
    a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
    b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
    c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary.
    .
26. What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
    a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
    b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
    c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
    .
27. What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
    a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
    b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
    c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with my mental health?
    .
28. What’s most important to most people when they order food?
    a) cost
    b) taste
    c) health
    .
29. Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
    a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
    b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
    c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
    .
30. Your partner tells you you’re lazy.  How do you respond?
    a) Takes one to know one, asshole.
    b) Why am I lazy?
    c) You never see all the things I do for you.
    .
31. Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late?
    a) Nobody’s, sometimes shit happens
    b) The battery’s.
    c) My fault
    .
32. Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy?
    a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for bitch.
    b. Black kid molested by his football coach
    c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants
    .
33. Who is most likely to describe oneself as “brilliant?”
    a. Bill Gates
    b. Psychology major in community college
    c. Justin Bieber
    .
34. Who is most likely to describe himself as a “genius?”
    a. White kid majoring in  Social Justice at University of Washington
    b. Asian kid majoring in Computer Science at Harvard
    c. Mexican working in kitchen.
    .
35. Who is most likely to grow up batshit crazy?
    a. Kid living in Syrian war zone
    b. Middle-class White kid
    c. Bill Gates’s kids
    .
36. You move to another city and your child enrolls in a new school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student.  What do you do?
    a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard.
    b. Tell him that this school must suck and put him in another school.
    c. Tell him teachers at previous school were idiots, this is a much better school.
    .
37. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Psychology major
    b. Sociology major
    c. Math major
    .
38. Who is most likely batshit crazy?
    a. Tiffany
    b.Olga
    c.Phuc-Dat
    .
39. The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late?
    a) Bus driver’s
    b) Traffic’s
    c) My fault
    .
40. Who is most likely suicidal?
    a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute
    b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist
    c. Tyrone, he’s in jail