Alright, motherhuggers, since last ad — Alive Juice Bar Hiring Angry People — was flagged within 14 hours of its posting (new record by 10 hours) by, ironically, some really angry foul-mouthed people, we’re going to try a new approach.  Instead of seeking “angry people,” we’re going to try to attract “nice people.”  And no more swearing. This is a civilized operation.

Manager job description: prep food and drinks at one’s own pace; have employees do the same at their own pace; play music from Norah Jones and Diana Krall entire shift; smile at customers; keep smiling at customers as they tell you their order; even bigger smile if you need to ask them to repeat what they ordered because you were so busy smiling, you didn’t listen to what they were saying; shut bathroom door when customer doesn’t; pick up whatever customer throws on the ground instead of in the garbage can; keep smiling; give diabetic customer extra extra extra sugar because that’s what he asks for; maintain smile; hug hung-over and emotional co-workers; ask as nicely as possible (with big big smile) for customer to stop kid from throwing ice cubes at other customers; offer kid ice cream to stop him from throwing things at customers; initiate time-out for group hug when an employee gets stressed during lunch rush; call police when guy makes you or employee uncomfortable; call police when customer asks employee where she got her jeans (and other such sexually inappropriate questions); call police when customer pinches employee ass; ensure employees use proper words when addressing someone of color; make sure employees do not describe customers with racial or ethnic descriptions; initiate group hug at the end of each shift; ask employees how they are feeling at least once an hour; maintain ratio of 200 praises to 1 criticism.

Barista job description: do as manager tells you to do.  Smile more often than does Manager.

Barista’s Assistant job description: Do as Barista tells you to do. Smile at all times.

Seeking nice person who:

* Starts every sentence with a compliment
* Can say “hello,” and “thank-you.” in at least 3 foreign languages
* Has never scratched, slapped, or bitten someone during sex
* Doesn’t like it when dogs sniff each other’s butts because that’s dirty
* Considers a neutered dog humping another neutered dog rape
* Addresses customers as “Maam” or “Sir.”
* Spends at least 2 hours a day complimenting people on Facebook
* Never gets angry, regardless of situation
* Smiles all the time
* Sounds like that teacher from South Park when asking for something
* Can listen to R Kelly’s “I Believe I can Fly” all day long without going crazy
* Holds hands behind back while standing
* Holds hands in front while standing
* Never puts hands on hips and rarely uses hand gestures
* Does not honk when car in front is idle at green light
* Drives safely by merging onto highway at 40 miles an hour
* Looks happy
* Looks agreeable
* Looks friendly
* Looks beta
* Looks doe eyed
* Looks naive

Read this is you want to know why some people are angry: http://foodyap.com/2012/05/29/what-our-employees-unlearn/

Read this if you want to know why some people are nice: http://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/dont-take-business-advice-from-nice-people.html