Alive Juice Bar is Hiring Angry People

One full-time manager; one assistant manager; one part-time barista’s bitch;

Manager job duties: prep food and drinks with precision and alacrity; change expletive laden music when kids walk in; serve customers; listen — learn about and from — customers; tell customer to fuck off; remind customers to shut bathroom door; figure out what people really want, not what they say and/think they want; recognize patterns of behavior; deal with hung-over and emotional co-workers; berate customer for acting like an asshole; ask questions; draw stuff on windows; download music; clean mess; correct co-worker’s grammar; explain why ionized water is for dumbasses; explain difference between glycemic load and glycemic index so customers stop freaking out about carrot juice; tell customer it’s ok to stare at your ass but be discreet about it; ask customer if he has a small dick; kick customer who grabs your ass; make inappropriate comments that will get you fired everywhere except Microsoft; make co-worker stop acting like a whiny bitch; babysit your Bitch.

Assistant Manager duties: same as Manager’s but needs Manager permission to tell customer to fuck off and to download music.

Barista’s Bitch job duties: shut-up, observe, learn, emulate, ask questions. Cry at home.

Seeking someone who *preferably* (not necessarily):
*Has road rage issues
*Speaks foreign language(s), esp. Russian, Vietnamese, Korean, Ukrainian, Redneck, whatever
*Can swear in foreign language
*Likes hacking things
*Adds hot sauce to everything
*Has kicked someone, hard
*Has been kicked, hard
*Doesn’t have nutrition degree
*Dropped out of high school
*If college, major ing/ed in Math or Science or Philosophy
*Can hit a ball
*Has been humiliated
*Can catch ball
*Looks pissed
*Looks mean
*Looks flirty
*Looks ashamed
*Looks kind
*Looks aggressive
*Looks like a Juice Bar employee/customer

If you don’t research Alive Juice Bar (or any other business you apply to) on Yelp, you deserve to wipe your ass with maple leaves for the rest of your life.

Attach resume. Keep cover letter short, don’t bore us. Just tell us what we need to know.

If you want to apply so you can pursue your hobby, read:

If you’re wondering why so many people are fucked up, read:

If you’re wondering how schools produce fuck ups:

If you’re wondering why I prefer high school drop outs:

If don’t have a resume and need help writing one:

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