Available on Amazon Kindle, paperback will be available in store by mid April.
To whet your appetite, below is book description and introduction.
Do you treat everyone with equal amounts of respect? Should you treat everyone with equal amounts of respect? If your answers are “no,” read on.
Do you have good manners, or good fucking manners? Have you ever thought that the manners you were taught are fucktarded? Do you not trust polite people? Wonder if there’s a correct way to be mean? Want to remake yourself into a paragon of efficiency, transparency, and good fucking manners? Then this is the etiquette book for you! The Juice Nazi and his Head of Secret Police, Roxanne G., are back, angrier than ever and ready to impose their will on dipshits who dare oppose them. In this book, they dissect American middle-class manners to reveal an etiquette system rife with genteel bullying, moral grandstanding, and narcissistic delusions. They offer, in its place, an alternate etiquette system that doesn’t tolerate anything that’s fake, senseless, and wasteful. This book profanes the sacred and will make anyone who identifies as a middle-class American in morals and manners, squirm. Misanthropists will be delighted.
Most people think they have good manners. Most of these people are wrong, they don’t know jack shit about good fucking manners.
To begin with, anyone who thinks good manners is about following a set of arbitrary and sometimes asinine procedures is a boorish ninny who can’t think. One can’t be well mannered without having considered the meaning and purpose behind and effectiveness of each action, okay? Well-mannered people are *aware* – they’re sensitive to context and purpose – and they’re curious. It’s the insolent and lazy who use the same pick-up lines regardless of the situation, despite consistently obstructive consequences. It’s the awkward and brainwashed who can be convinced that bitch slapping someone can be a polite greeting in another culture, just because the ethos of multiculturalism says so. These are the people who take up two parking spots and aren’t paying attention when the light turns green.
One needs to understand why “good manners” are good manners to be well mannered. If you don’t wonder why a certain act is “good,” then there’s a swell chance you have bad manners because etiquette is often slow to adapt to the changing world. For instance, what’s the point of the handshake? Are we showing that we aren’t carrying a dagger, that we come in peace? Is it still more egalitarian and warmer than tipping the hat (that few wear nowadays) and curtsies, as the Quakers believed? Does the transfer of germs make more people sick, or does it facilitate herd immunity? Will the handshake survive the 2020 pandemic? Should it?
What’s the purpose of having good manners and what’s its relationship to etiquette? From what I’ve seen, most of the Anglo cultured world equate “good manners” with one’s knowledge and ability to follow prevailing etiquette. In other words, “good manners” is a matter of social access and the implication is that it’s the upper class that determines the codes of good conduct. Here’s a definition of etiquette from Merriam-Webster dictionary that reflects that ethos:
the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life.
Etiquette here is delineated as a top-down mechanism, “prescribed by authority,” and/or by those of “good breeding,” which I take to mean the upper class. Not all dictionaries agree with this definition, let’s look at Oxford Language’s more egalitarian definition of etiquette:
the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.
This definition implies that each social class has its own set of rules and none are intrinsically superior to others. And these codes can be developed organically, bottom-up, rather than from sources of authority.
This tension between egalitarianism and elitism pervades American social life, resulting in ludicrous habits that get passed off as “good manners.” So many Americans – left-wing Americans especially – want it all, they want to stick up for common folk AND be recognized as elite, which is why they’re called champagne socialists, or limousine liberals. This paradox results in an etiquette system that encourages manners that are fake, senseless, and wasteful. Parodies, really, performed by people who act and sound like muppets.
It doesn’t have to be that way. The aim of this book is to suggest an alternate etiquette system that encourages people to be authentic, transparent, and efficient. The basis of this etiquette system – Part I of this book – is the title of the first chapter, Don’t Waste People’s Time. Well-mannered people don’t show off their good breeding – that’d be narcissism at work and it’s a waste of time – they’re focused on making their own and other people’s lives better and easier. This chapter also explores why so many Americans think it’s good manners to waste people’s time. Chapter 2 is a test of how well-mannered you are in the alternate etiquette system proposed in this book.
Part II is about the Secondary Principles one should abide by to be well-mannered. These include: Save Other People Time, the title of chapter 3. To do so, Don’t Lie, the title of chapter 4. Yes, not lying will hurt people’s feelings, but well-mannered people care more about truth than feelings, and worrying about people’s feelings is a waste of time. Good news is that not lying doesn’t mean you have to say anything. So we segue to chapter 5, Less is Best, which shows you how to be minimalistic in interactions so you don’t say something stupid. Doing so will save you and others time. Show, Don’t Tell is the title of chapter 6. Well-mannered people say less and do more because actions and results mean more than words. In chapter 7, Treat Others as They Treat You, elucidates the difference between empathy and sympathy and explains why treating others as you want to be treated is a narcissistic act that’ll get you in trouble.
Part III, Situations, applies the above principles to specific situations. Chapter 8, Phone Etiquette, shows the proper way to place a call and answer them. This is especially important if you’re in sales, good phone etiquette will increase your sales, guaranteed, or Dipshit Doug Evans Dickhead will grow a dick that’s not on his head. Chapter 9, The Art of Being Mean, explores how to be mean to someone with style so you don’t look like a dipshit dickhead. We pivot to Be Kind, Not Nice in Chapter 10 because so many people who think they’re being nice are actually acting like a Dipshit Doug Evans Dickhead. Chapter 11, Awkward Situations, shows you how to act gracefully when the situation gets weird. Restaurant Etiquette is the subject of Chapter 12, so you don’t dine like a Dipshit Doug Evans Dickhead when you’re eating out. Chapter 13, How to Talk to Customers puts the principle “Treat Others as They Want to Be Treated” in action. Those in the service industry should read this chapter. In Chapter 14, Bad Manners that rarely get called out are discussed and dissected to reveal an American culture with fucked up priorities. It also shows you how to respond to bad manners with good fucking manners. Touché, villains!
Part IV examines the Purpose of Good Fucking Manners. Like, what’s the point of this book and what can you do with it? Chapter 15 elucidates why Chinese People Don’t Say “Thank You” anywhere as often as Americans do. Is it because the Chinese are rude? What does it say about the philosophical underpinnings of Chinese society? What does this contrast reveal about American society and manners? This chapter de-normalizes American notions of what is proper. Chapter 16 is a review of famed chef Marco Pierre White’s memoir: Devil in the Kitchen. What sort of manners did he have to become the youngest, at age 33, to win three Micheline stars, become the first TV rockstar chef, and train famous chefs such as Gordon Ramsey, Heston Blumenthal, and Mario Batali? More of the same in Chapter 17, except here it’s about How Steve Jobs Made Your iPhone. Did Steve Jobs have good manners, or good fucking manners to make his vision reality? In Chapter 18, we appraise the Purpose of Good Fucking Manners. What can you achieve with good fucking manners, assuming you don’t find it revolting. Chapter 19 introduces some of you to Suggested Readings that have shaped this book. These include etiquette classics by Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, and Miss Manners; lesser-known ones by outlandish authors such as flaming fag Quentin Crisp and the “Queen of Mean,” Florence King; and well-known authors whose books can be read as, but aren’t, about etiquette, such as Robert Greene and Frederich Nietzsche. This chapter conveys that there are divergent thoughts about etiquette and it’s up to you to decide what works best for you.
We finish with Final Thoughts and Questions in Chapter 20, where I talk about my transcultural experiences with etiquette to highlight the uniqueness of American preoccupation with etiquette and of its implications. I also ask the reader questions about their relationship with etiquette. Do you respect everyone equally? Should you?
After you’ve read the first seven chapters, you can skip around. You need to understand the principles behind my etiquette system before you can understand how they work in everyday situations.
Send comments, including hate mail and death threats, to firstname.lastname@example.org. Write in the subject line: Dipshit Doug Evan is a Dickhead and we’ll get back to you. Enjoy!
If you want to ask Dipshit Doug Evans why he’s such a dickhead, his e-mail is email@example.com. If you want to ask his mom why he’s a dipshit, e-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.