Monthly Archives: June 2016

Application Questions vs. 9.0

Alive Juice Bar (and Dance Studio) is located in a suburban strip-mall just off of I5 exit 177 in the most socio-economically and ethnically diverse neighborhood in the Puget Sound. Customers range from CEOs to Meth Addicts, from Stepford Wives to Redneck Intellectuals, from Basic Bitches to Punk Rock Soccer Moms, Whigger Drug Dealers to Mormon Gangsters. That’s a wide range of palates to work with and to satisfy.  Alive Juice Bar is a bullshit and repression free-zone.

We want:

Manager/Sous-Chef: Have court-vision and listening range to see and hear what’s going on in entire kitchen. Put simply, know when someone is fucking up and fix the problem.  Pay depends on your negotiation and sales skills. Aims to work to become Head Chef who makes and manages menu.

Assistant: Develop the skills to become Manager/Sous-Chef so you can someday be self-sufficient and maybe, if you want, become CEO of a business like Microsoft or start a company that’ll take down a business like Microsoft.

To apply, answer questions below.   Respond by boldfacing your answer.  Like this:

Which answer do you pick?
a) This one
b) That one
c) Another one

Self-esteem assessment

What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy


Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I don’t care about the needs and wants of others.

Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask enough questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!

Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m not lazy.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.

Why are you so emotionally fragile?
a) My parents coddle and make excuses for me
b) I didn’t have enough traumatic experiences during childhood.
c) I’m not fragile, I’m strong and brave!  Smart and hard-working too!!!


Communication Skills Assessment

Pick best sentence:
a) Would you mind bringing me some beets when you get a chance?
b)  Get beets now.
c) Hey fucktard, get your ass over there, get some beets and bring it over here.

Salesperson calls, asks “Hi, how are you doing today?” How do you respond?
a) What do you want?
b) I’m fine. How are you today?
c) I feel like shit.  I want to beat the shit out of someone.

Pick best sentence for love-text:
a) Your scintillatingly luminous presence inspires and captivates my yearning heart to take an unsolicited leap of impossible faith into the great unknown of the comfort of your arms.
b) My darling, my heart aches for your presence and to finally be in your arms
c) Let’s cuddle.

Pick best sentence for first sentence of novel:
a) Dreary black skies loomed as the violent waves crashed onto glittering rocks that have never met such punishment.
b) It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets.
c) Fucking hurricane knocking down trees.

Technician finally calls you back.  He asks: Hi, how are you doing today?” How do you respond?
a) I’m fine, how are you today?
b) How do I fix this problem?
c) This problem is driving me crazy.  Because of your fucked up system, I can’t get my kids to school on-time, my cat took a dump on my pillow, and my husband is a lazy piece of shit who wants a divorce.

Your partner tells you you’re lazy.  How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) Why am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.

Sense of Reality Assessment

Person has substance abuse problem.
a) He needs to learn to love himself more, practice self-love by loving himself and surrounding himself with those who tell him he’s lovable.
b) He needs to work harder at solving his problems.
c) He needs more money to solve the underlying financial problems that are the cause of his addiction.

What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
b) They watch porn and play games on laptop while in school, no change in academic performance.
c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.

Who is most likely to be batshit crazy?
a) White trash girl who knows she’s White trash.
b) Middle-class suburban girl who thinks she’s high society.
c) Rich kid slumming with the hobos and peasants.

Ten young women on a trip to a faraway land and stopped and robbed.  Five are picked to be raped.  What do you think the 5 NOT PICKED are thinking?
a) Whew, at least I wasn’t raped!
b) I feel terrible for those who were raped.
c) Am I ugly?

What affect does raising teacher wages have on teacher performance?
a) They don’t perform any better or worse, people are creatures of habit
b) They perform better, money is a great motivator
c)  They perform worse, money corrupts.

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100

How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
a) 100
b) 70
c) 40

What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.

What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary.

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.

What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with this stupid job?

Random Questions

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck

The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry motherfucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny. Ha ha. Ha. Right?

Frequently Asked Questions Part X

Links to FAQ I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX

General Shop Questions



Why is there a snowman in the store?
Salvaged from another store that was closing, don’t know where else to put him.

Does it have a name? 

Did owner tell my son that the snowman will bite off his penis?  

Why the hell did he do that?  He has nightmares now…
To get him to stop doing whatever he was doing. Sorry about the nightmares.

Did it work?  

How do the ordering guidelines keep costs down?

Our guidelines prevent:

  • human walls that block traffic from forming.
  • people from forgetting their order
  • people who are ready to order from having to wait on those who aren’t ready


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The guidelines also allow us to make multiple drinks at once, prepare for the next drink, and to continue prep work while customer reviews the menu. Most importantly, our system keeps employees sharp and “on-point.”

Put simply, it saves us and our customers significant time.

But doesn’t doing it this way stress out employees?
Stop projecting your incompetence and emotional fragility onto other people.  Other people are not you, other people can decide for themselves what’s stressful or not.  Finally, you’re pissing them off by not following the guidelines, which is why they’re ignoring you.

Do I have to shout out my order? 
Depends.  If all the blenders are on, yes.  If it’s quiet and someone is near you, normal voice is preferred.


Are millennials more spoiled and entitled and narcissistic than previous generations?
No, they’re not much different from their parents and grandparents and so forth.  People and cultures don’t change much, the habits and attitudes of one generation are often passed to the next.

You really think they’re not that different?
They’re not that different. It seems like they’re different because the environment has changed.


Dance Studio

Is there a dance class schedule?
Link to schedule:

How do I sign up for a class?
Meet instructor to discuss.


Is it true when owner was in kindergarten he announced to his schoolmates that Santa doesn’t exist?
That’s a rumor.

Does J Crispy still come into the store? 

How does he feel about having a drink named after him? 
Don’t know.

Is it true Alive Juice Bar has quotas on types of customers?

Why do you discriminate against customers?
Most of our employees and customers don’t want to deal with people like Stepford Wives.  A few here and there we can tolerate.


What’s wrong with them?
They never follow the ordering guidelines because they think it’s rude to not have a line, they want us to play music from like Amy Grant all fucking day, and everyone around them to smile like all the fucking time. They scare our customers and employees.  They’re annoying. Watch the movie for long answer to question:

How do you keep them out?
Bad service, play music that’ll offend them like this:

Where should they go for juice?
Bellevue.  They’ll enjoy Jujubeets.

Who is moving in next door? 
Cricket Wireless, a discount wireless phone company.

Six Years Old

I’ve been told that the second business like having a second child: the second one is tougher than the first one because you’re now watching over two who are often going in different directions.  We had twins, the clothing store that was planned, and a dance studio that wasn’t.

We *barely* made it to six years. It was close.

It’s taken us nearly a year to figure out how to use the new and much larger space effectively, to maximize efficiency and productivity.  Instead of storing inventory in the back storage (long walk), we now keep it in general public area, some of it as decor.

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Apples in attractive buckets add color to decor.  And customers can purchase them as produce.

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Customers like seeing the produce we use in our drinks.  Reminds them that we don’t use syrup.

This set-up has significantly reduced costly inventory mistakes and now we sell produce in addition to drinks and prepared foods.   Check out the deals on ginger and turmeric.

We’ve also worked with customers to improve efficiency of operations.  Our ordering guideline allows us to keep costs and wait times down while improving service to those who follow it.

Alive Juice Bar-0026.jpg

Those who don’t follow the guideline will either not be served or charged a dollar.

The guideline will help us adapt to the soon to be $15/hour minimum wage without raising prices.

We’ve also been building our prepared meals business.  Customers have been ordering customized nutritionally balanced and diverse meals to reduce their grocery expenses, to improve their diet, and to save time.

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Chicken satay meal with 3 veggies, 5 oz of chicken, and brown rice.  Nutritionally balanced and diverse.

The dance studio, which has been losing money, we expect to be profitable by this summer, when summer camps begin.  We now only let those with established followings use the space instead of offering free rent to aspiring dance instructors to build their businesses.  It’s been difficult to find callow instructors patient and resilient enough to build their own business.  Most quit when they learn that their friends aren’t reliable and that it takes time to build a reputation and brand.

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Bellydance w/Dahlia notes.

Clothing store is nearly ready to be opened full-time.  We’re still working on the three person changing room that’ll be used by the dance studio and clothing store.  We’ve been adding higher quality inventory to the clothing store.

Once the two new businesses are profitable, we’ll work on our next project, a bistro in SnoKing neighborhood that’ll be comparable to the best restaurants in Seattle.  We’re seeking an unusual space with high ceilings, perhaps a garage warehouse.

Selling the three businesses to fund the bistro is an option if we find the right buyer. I’m also keeping in mind that businesses owners have said that if you can handle three businesses, the fourth one and more are easy, just as with children.  The leadership skills, production systems, and work culture are developed enough for unlimited expansion.

Thanks to those who helped us get this far.  There’s still a lot of work to do.  Let’s do it!

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