Paradise Frost Chapter 5: Delilah as Mrs. Claus

DALILA: But conjugal affection prevailing over fear, and timerous doubt hath led me desirous to behold once more that face and know of thy estate (Samson Agonistes, 739-743)

Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels[a] of silver.”  (Judges 16:4)


“Fuck, it’s you,” sighed Santa as he crawled out the chimney.”

“Been waiting for you, you fat, feckless, fuck,” said Delilah, the soon-to-be Mrs. Clause. “Get cleaned up so we can get the marriage ceremony over with.

“Why do I have to get married to a cunt like you? And why the fuck did I get dropped into the Chimney instead of the front door?”

“Cause you’re Satan and we’re in Hell. How long will it take for you to figure this shit out, you dickless dipshit?”

Awww yeah, Delilah as Mrs. Claus. Santa definitely wants some of that.

At the Marriage Ceremony
(present: Bathsheba, Queen of the Elves with her assistants Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Amy Tan; presiding is Pope Boniface VIII, the one Dante wrote about)

“Any of you two have your own marriage vows, or should I say them for you?” said the Pope, looking back and forth at Satan and Delilah.

“I have my own,” both said together while looking at each other.

“You go first then, Delilah.”

“We’re brought together in Hell
By the sound of wedding bells (bells begin to ring, c-f#-g)
God says we’ve lived a life in common
One of spiritual and moral famine.

Well I don’t agree
Together we believe
That we’ll do more good
Than God ever could

We as husband and wife
Will provide a better life
To all our worshipers
Than that son of a carpenter”

“Excellent, Delilah” said the Pope with a proud smile of a father. “It’s your turn,” the Pope tells Santa

“Delilah, my newly wedded wife,
I’ve wanted to show you my snake
For so much of my Hellish life
It’s going to make your pussy ache

Together we’ll rule with a power
That God and his bitches have not seen
Soon even Jesus Christ will cower
At the thought of you as my Queen

From this union we’ll create
A new world order to destroy
The ones who dare to berate
Us for bringing the world some joy

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