It’s election season, and some dumbfuck politicians are at it again, proposing some dumbfucking solutions to our problems that’ll make more people fat, miserable, and crazy. “Free college” is one of them and below are some of the reasons why it’s the second dumbest policy proposal ever. (We’ll get to dumbest policy in another post).
Most Colleges Suck and Make Students Dumber
First, 80 percent of colleges are garbage. How the fuck does a school like Evergreen State College, with its 98% admissions rate, stay open when they graduate mostly unemployable nitwits, some who are literally illiterate? Most of the remaining “decent” schools are high schools masquerading as colleges, you don’t even have to pass Calculus to get a degree from them. Think I’m exaggerating? Watch this Evergreen College student try to read a statement during a protest:
What the fuck, she has trouble reading words like “disabled” and “allegations” and “sentencing.” Even at a “decent” school like The University of Washington Seattle, I encountered, as a teaching assistant in charge of grading papers and leading discussion sections, two students who read and wrote at around the third grade level (neither were athletes, one was holy fuck an Asian, the other a paraplegic), and most students were reading and writing at around eighth to tenth grade level. And I was asked to pass all of them, the only way you can flunk out is to not turn in any assignment, even a page of gibberish gets a passing grade. If you still think I’m exaggerating, take a glance at a UW course catalog, Autumn 2018, and you’ll see 16 sections of high school algebra and 15 sections of pre-calculus. How the fuck did all these people get into Washington state’s flagship university?
The admissions committee (at most schools) is made up of feckless morons, that’s how. These sentimental dipshits think “education,” regardless of major and coursework, will magically fix all social problems and will ensure that its students get smarter, so they admit students based on their personal sob stories and social background instead of their level of preparation for college level work. It’s sick and twisted, it’s like letting an old fat guy practice with UW’s football team just because he’s always wanted to — someone is going to get hurt. But these weepy dunces don’t care because they’re more in love with their intentions than taking responsibility for unintended consequences such as student debt, wasted years, and useless degrees. “But an education is priceless, is an end in itself,” retorts the maudlin imbecile who hates his job as a warehouse clerk but is convinced of his moral and intellectual superiority over anyone without his Master’s degrees in Social Justice and Education. No, you whimpering idiot: curiosity is priceless, grit is priceless, that’s why they’re FREE to have AND difficult to attain. Meanwhile, your stupid diplomas are priced the same as that townhouse you dream of living in and never will, and in any case, you didn’t get an education, you got indoctrination with a concentration in self-righteous indignation.
Would you send yourself to a bad hospital, where half the patients end up either sicker or dead and the few who end up better are advertised as proof that this hospital is worth going to? You answered “yes” if you’re willing to send yourself to Shaw University, where the graduation rate is 23%, the average student debt is $28,000, and the average SAT of incoming students is 850, which translated into IQ means borderline retarded. If you think the solution to borderline retarded is college, then you’re fucktarded and deserve to spend Hell teaching a dog to climb a tree while getting butt fucked by a hysterical raccoon.
And most of the good schools are like good hospitals, they still get students who choose the wrong major and coursework, just as good hospitals get patients who won’t start exercising and eating veggies. Meaning, free college is a waste of money *in most cases* either because the school sucks or because most people choose easy, useless majors that turn them batshit crazy when they discover that the world outside of school doesn’t match up with what’s taught in school.
There’s nothing wrong with taking a college course, even if it’s about what some freaky French faggot named Foucault thinks about power, prisons, pornography, and his penis. There is something wrong with giving away something for free that’s often as dangerous and addictive as alcohol and meth and as easy as the neighborhood slut.
We Need a New Message
More dangerously, “free college” sends the message that a college degree is so important that life isn’t worth living if you don’t have one. Which is like calling someone a loser because they don’t drive a Tesla and wear Valentino, both are dick moves. “But college graduates earn more than those with only high school degrees,” says the clueless cretin who flunked Stat 101, one of the few college courses that matter. Hey shitface, disaggregate the data and run a regression analysis, okay? A behavioral economist did just that and here’s his conclusion about college:
Put simply, if you’re not taking Math, Physics, and Philosophy courses — mastery of those three disciplines prepares you to get a PhD in any field and to become an expert at most jobs — you’re probably wasting your time. Not saying there’s no value to a classical liberal arts education — I’m all for the study of human nature from different disciplinary perspectives — but outside of a handful of schools few have heard of, where the fuck do you find that nowadays?
We Need More Rednecks
Redneck jobs pay well and they’re in high demand.
Lots of work for Rednecks who can fix everyday energy problems college students have no interest in fixing because they’re taught that such jobs are beneath them and it’s better to be a cashier at Trader Joe’s.
We Need More Engineers
The best place to learn Engineering 101 is in any of the construction trades. Take some kid out of 8th grade, give him a job in one of the trades for three years, then put him back in school and see what happens. Math and Physics — the foundation of engineering — will start to make sense because most people learn by doing, not by lecture. This won’t happen as long as we have archaic child labor laws, mandatory education, and bonehead ideas like “free college” that stigmatize vocational work and education.
But College Used to Be Free at Some Schools like Berkeley and CUNY
So was herpes when Jimmy fucked that whore. And in any case, the few students who should be in college immediately after high school will still get to go for free because there’s competition for the best students. Let the free market decide who should or shouldn’t be going to college, just as we let the free market decide who should or shouldn’t play professional sports. Imagine if the government created a bunch of free junior football leagues and told everyone to play football just because the stats show that NFL players make a lot more money than do non-NFL players. So why are we letting the government open mostly bullshit schools that do far more harm than good and then propose making them free to everyone in hopes of turning those with IQs of 90 into STEM scientists?
They’ll Stick the Bill to Businesses
Because these delirious dingbats actually think they’re helping businesses by “educating” people to become better employees, smarter consumers, and virtuous citizens. Yet the opposite happens when someone spends four years pretending to read Foucault and Derrida, Butler and Steinem, and making up and policing microaggressions while hiding from them in their safe spaces. And then they actually believe they have great communication skills because they majored in communications, that they understand politics because they majored in political science…they graduate as insufferable know-it-alls who don’t know that they know anything except how to complain about stupid shit because that’s what they’re taught to do when they major in Ethnic Studies. These people are unemployable, that’s why they end up in academia, where you can make a living complaining about stupid shit.
What’s the Stupidest Policy?
Guaranteed Federal jobs for all. Post on that coming soon.