Frequently Asked Questions Part XI

Links to FAQ X


Who is Gary Johnson?
Libertarian candidate for president, polling it at around 10 percent. Check him out if you want another option. Link

Wouldn’t supporting him be a wasted vote?  
If his support reaches 15 percent, he’ll be invited to the National Debates.  He’ll win the election if he wins the debates.

Why hasn’t there been a second Alive Juice Bar Hate Mail Contest?
We want to host a second one but craigslist no longer allows for html links on their ad pages. Those links are crucial to the marketing success of the contest.  Link to first contest

What’s the point of the Hate Mail Contest? 
Marketing tool to attract relevant customers.

How many submissions did you get? 
A dozen or so.  Customers voted for finalists.  Employees selected winner.


What’s in the Redneck Meal?
Today it’s redneck pulled pork w/brown rice and beans, kale, onion, and sweet peppers.

That doesn’t sound very rednecky, does it?
So what do Black people eat then?

Do you put monkey jizz in your drinks?
No, that’s a rumor started by pedophile Phil.  In any case, we don’t know where to get any.

Are you really going to serve crickets?
Yes, we’ll start with cricket cookies.  Next culinary frontier will be insects as protein.  Much more environmentally friendly than beef.

I hear there’s going to be a kid’s menu.  What’s up with that?
We’re working with an 11 year old on it.  She wants a G version of the menu so we obliged. It’s a way to make Alive Juice Bar more family friendly without sacrificing its edginess.

Any items on Kid’s menu not found on Adult version?
Maybe, we’ll see.  For now, we’re working on drink names that are meaningful to pre-teens.

Is it true Alive Juice Bar robust salads, chips, brownies, and chicken meals are sold at Wired Chicks Espresso?  
Yes, they’re located on Bothell-Everett Highway, next to Lake Forest Park Town Center.  Look for the Chevron station.


J Crispy says that he tried to pay off his tab but you wouldn’t let him.  What’s up with that?
He did, a year after we named a drink after him.  But owner already paid off his tab.  Meaning, we purchased the rights to use his name.

Wait, J Crispy is a real person?
Yes.  Check him out here: J Crispy

Does he really still come in?
Yes.  We give him good service too.  He’s a good kid, we like him.  He’s grown up a lot.

So why is a drink still named after him? 
Because customers enjoy saying “J Crispy Dickhead.”  It’s the best way to get customers to try a cactus smoothie.

Is the porn novel about woman trying to get guy to tattoo her name on his penis and then dumping him done yet?  

No. Didn’t like first draft — too pretentious, too serious, tried too hard to be deep — so started over.  It’s more lighthearted and silly now.  New voice.  In middle stages.

Can I read it?
Yes, and comments welcome.

Where’s the link?
Ask in person.

Who is Roxanne G?
She used to handle customer relations.  Now she’s undercover. Great gal, tell her that if you see her.

Leave a Reply