Alive Juice Bar (and Dance Studio) is located in a suburban strip-mall just off of I5 exit 177 in the most socio-economically and ethnically diverse neighborhood in the Puget Sound. Customers range from CEOs to Meth Addicts, from Stepford Wives to Redneck Intellectuals, from Basic Bitches to Punk Rock Soccer Moms, Whigger Drug Dealers to Mormon Gangsters. That’s a wide range of palates to work with and to satisfy.  Alive Juice Bar is a bullshit and repression free-zone.

We want:

Manager/Sous-Chef: Have court-vision and listening range to see and hear what’s going on in entire kitchen. Put simply, know when someone is fucking up and fix the problem.  Pay depends on your negotiation and sales skills. Aims to work to become Head Chef who makes and manages menu.

Assistant: Develop the skills to become Manager/Sous-Chef so you can someday be self-sufficient and maybe, if you want, become CEO of a business like Microsoft or start a company that’ll take down a business like Microsoft.

To apply, answer questions below.   Respond by boldfacing your answer.  Like this:

Which answer do you pick?
a) This one
b) That one
c) Another one

Self-esteem assessment

What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy

 

Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I don’t care about the needs and wants of others.

Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask enough questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!

Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.

How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.

Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m not lazy.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.

Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question.  This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.

Why are you so emotionally fragile?
a) My parents coddle and make excuses for me
b) I didn’t have enough traumatic experiences during childhood.
c) I’m not fragile, I’m strong and brave!  Smart and hard-working too!!!

 

Communication Skills Assessment

Pick best sentence:
a) Would you mind bringing me some beets when you get a chance?
b)  Get beets now.
c) Hey fucktard, get your ass over there, get some beets and bring it over here.

Salesperson calls, asks “Hi, how are you doing today?” How do you respond?
a) What do you want?
b) I’m fine. How are you today?
c) I feel like shit.  I want to beat the shit out of someone.

Pick best sentence for love-text:
a) Your scintillatingly luminous presence inspires and captivates my yearning heart to take an unsolicited leap of impossible faith into the great unknown of the comfort of your arms.
b) My darling, my heart aches for your presence and to finally be in your arms
c) Let’s cuddle.

Pick best sentence for first sentence of novel:
a) Dreary black skies loomed as the violent waves crashed onto glittering rocks that have never met such punishment.
b) It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets.
c) Fucking hurricane knocking down trees.

Technician finally calls you back.  He asks: Hi, how are you doing today?” How do you respond?
a) I’m fine, how are you today?
b) How do I fix this problem?
c) This problem is driving me crazy.  Because of your fucked up system, I can’t get my kids to school on-time, my cat took a dump on my pillow, and my husband is a lazy piece of shit who wants a divorce.

Your partner tells you you’re lazy.  How do you respond?
a) Takes on to know one, asshole.
b) Why am I lazy?
c) You never see all the things I do for you.

Sense of Reality Assessment

Person has substance abuse problem.
a) He needs to learn to love himself more, practice self-love by loving himself and surrounding himself with those who tell him he’s lovable.
b) He needs to work harder at solving his problems.
c) He needs more money to solve the underlying financial problems that are the cause of his addiction.

What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops?
a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside.
b) They watch porn and play games on laptop while in school, no change in academic performance.
c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.

Who is most likely to be batshit crazy?
a) White trash girl who knows she’s White trash.
b) Middle-class suburban girl who thinks she’s high society.
c) Rich kid slumming with the hobos and peasants.

Ten young women on a trip to a faraway land and stopped and robbed.  Five are picked to be raped.  What do you think the 5 NOT PICKED are thinking?
a) Whew, at least I wasn’t raped!
b) I feel terrible for those who were raped.
c) Am I ugly?

What affect does raising teacher wages have on teacher performance?
a) They don’t perform any better or worse, people are creatures of habit
b) They perform better, money is a great motivator
c)  They perform worse, money corrupts.

How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40

How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
a) 100
b) 70
c) 40

What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.

What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary.

What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.

What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big black dick, what the fuck does this have to do with this stupid job?

Random Questions

Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”

What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
b)BMW
c)Hummer

The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry motherfucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny. Ha ha. Ha. Right?