Want to get rid of your significant other but want some help doing it so you feel less guilt? We can help. After all, we practice getting rid of people all the time. We’re pretty good at it.
Below is a sample Break-Up Meal to help you and your significant other make a clean break without guilt or sorrow so you can continue living life as you think it should be lived — free from a needy lunatic wrapped around your ankle.
Music to help you get your message across.
Led Zeppelin: Babe I’m Going to Leave You
The Smiths: Unhappy Birthday
George Michael: Everything She Wants
Alannis Morisette: You Oughta Know Kate Nash: Dickhead
Cee Lo Green: Fuck You
Extra bright lighting so all facial imperfections are apparent.
There will, of course, be no knives and forks. We want to reduce chance of bloodshed. Spoons, yes, but only the flimsiest, and it wouldn’t be a soup spoon so you both can look like ridiculous childish losers while slurping soup.
Slow cooked spareribs w/sticky slimy honey mustard sauce so you both look as unattractive and boorish as possible, to minimize chance of changing one’s mind.
Potato fries cooked in animal fat w/ketchup served in tiny packets you have to open with your greasy hands. Again, to make both unattractive.
Juice for you: attitude cleanse w/extra garlic. So your breath stinks, reducing chance that the dumped will beg for yet another chance to make you miserable.
Juice for About to Be Dumped: Anything that reduces stress, likely a sugary drink that will remind Dumped of pleasant childhood memories.
Oxtail soup, meat on bone. Again, to make both of you attractive. Won’t be falling off tender so you get tendons stuck between your teeth. There’ll be spinach in the soup.
Desert: Chocolate fudge w/side of cheap whiskey. Nice way to give Dumped an early start to rest of the evening.
We can only guarantee that you’ll be free from needy lunatic for a week. It’s up to you to decide if life is better with needy lunatic or living life alone as a needy lunatic.