When my favorite best friend and I are feeling sad and hurt because our dummy boys are acting like dummies, we like to pretend we’re Jane Birkin — we dress just like her and sing “Je t’aime…moi non plus” together — and go to Gainsbourg for food and drinks and more.
We like going to Gainsbourg — named after notorious French singer and composer Serge Gainsbourg — when we’re sad because they offer drinks that most bars don’t offer, and at reasonable prices too! There’s the “Jane Birkin” — made with Danish vodka, pomegranate, cucumber, and soda — which tastes like Orangina. I like Orangina. There’s also the “Ugly American” — a shot of “Old Crow” whiskey paired with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon — which I’ve never had because I’m not that type of girl, I don’t want to turn into that type of girl.
What my friend and I most enjoy about Gainsbourg is the simple, satisfying, and well-priced French food. We usually start with some olives and baguettes and an absinthe while we snuggle together in a cozy and darkly lit booth. This combination puts us in the mood to start talking shit about our dummy boys. Like how their wee wees malfunctioned at the wrong time and the shit we think they may be doing to us when we’re drunk and asleep. Soon, we crave something heartier and heavier. Like the pan seared hanger steak, cooked rare, paired with red wine of server’s choice. When the steak arrives, we pretend the steak is dummy boy. With each slice into the steak, we make mock dummy boy screaming noises. By the time we finish the steak and wine, we’re not feeling sad and hurt anymore. I like that.
When they have raw oysters, we get those too, paired with a “Jane Birkin.” We don’t make funny dummy boy noises when we eat those. We make funny happy girl noises when we eat them. I like that too, but not as much as I like the steak.