It’s 1909, and a fuckface who owns a department store in London comes up with one of the dumbfuckingest slogans ever to promote his business: “The Customer is Always Right!” For this, I’m sending him to Hell in my upcoming novel: Paradise Frost: Satan as Santa, where he’ll spend eternity getting his dick licked by two pitbulls.
Think of it this way, would you get into a relationship with anyone under the stipulation that the other person is always right? Sure, if you’re a submissive into BDSM, and then only with someone you trust, not any random stranger. Because anyone who wants to be or thinks they’re always right is likely a psychopath.
Then why would a business enter into a Master and Servant relationship with their customers (as their Master)? To do so, after all, is to invite the customer to act like a psychopath whipping around her 10 inch cock for all to worship.
Because there are shortsighted business owners who don’t give a shit about their employees. These business owners let their employees lick Karen’s boots and get fucked up the ass by Karen’s black sized strap-on — sexual harassment, condescension, anything goes to make sure Karen doesn’t call the cops. This type of business owner is irresponsible and demented, sets civilization back by encouraging and normalizing psychopathic behavior and making good service difficult to give and appreciate. You can’t have a conversation with a psychopath, okay?
Once this slogan became popularized into an asinine dictum throughout the Anglo world, especially in the US, it institutionalized a style of service that’s obsequious, onerous, and fake. And mindless middle class Americans (from all income groups) love it because they are psychopaths, look at the mental health and substance abuse data for this demographic if you don’t believe me.
And how in the hell does a business improve itself and maintain its integrity if the “customer is always right?” Steve Jobs ignored focus groups because he knew that customers don’t know what they want when it hasn’t been invented. Besides, people tend to lie when they’re in a contextless environment, as most focus groups are. Sure, everyone tells the Sociofuckingologist they want to be healthy, that doesn’t mean any of them will do anything to improve their health. Psychopaths lie to be liked by others, they’re addicted to affirmation.
If the “customer is always right,” there wouldn’t be an Alive Juice Bar. No Attitude Cleanse, no Kale Smoothies — those aren’t drinks most people, not even 10 percent, want. And it’s not my job to give what the customer wants, if it were I’d be selling heroin and hos instead of peddling fruits and vegetables. My job is to expand people’s palates so they enjoy food more while eating nutritionally balanced meals. My vision is a place where people can explore what’s possible to eat, and not simply indulge in what they want to eat. None of this is possible if the “customer is always right.”
In fact, the customer is usually wrong and any business owner who doesn’t realize this must not be confident about his expertise. If you don’t know what you’re doing, if you’re not an artisan with superior knowledge and skill, then don’t go into business. Every business I patronize I expect the owner to know a lot more than I do about his craft, otherwise I’d do it myself. The business is the master, I’m the apprentice.
That said, this book is a collection of insults, curses, and blessings we’ve given to customers. Some customers paid us — $1 — to insult, curse, and bless them. Others received unsolicited insults and curses not because we want to insult or curse them, but because we want to use their bad reviews of Alive Juice Bar as marketing material to let people know what kind of place we are and who should and shouldn’t patronize it. They’re like rap battles to us.
The book is divided into three parts. Part I, Do You Love Me?, is a collection of love poems we’ve written to customers for $5. (Option available on Doordash). Part II, Insults and Disses, is a collection of exchanges we’ve had between customers on Yelp and Google Reviews. Part III, Curses and Blessings, has some of the $1 curses and blessings customers have purchased.
Comments welcome, can send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Address the subject line with “Hey Asshole.”