Plans to open a bistro — Pot Roast — are on hold. We’ll instead open The Soup Nazi Kitchen. To the left, motherfuckers, to the left! Listen to this as you read:

Problem

Covid-19 has fucked everything up and getting back to normal is going to take awhile. This isn’t just about social restrictions, the economy is going to be fucked for awhile. Everett, where we were planning to open a sit down restaurant with patio seating, is a company town that’s dependent on Boeing jobs. Boeing, which was reeling before Covid-19 happened, is hyper fucked. I’m predicting an economic depression in Everett until it’s able to replace permanently lost Boeing jobs. It’s going to be hard to find customers willing to pay $30-$50 per person — a mid priced meal — for dinner.

While social restrictions will be relaxed, enough will remain in place for a long enough time to make owning a dine in restaurant unfeasible. Seating at half capacity, for instance, isn’t going to work financially for most restaurant owners. And I’m not sure if servers wearing masks is going to work for patrons. (Unless it’s a bandit themed restaurant? Hospital themed? Taliban themed, servers wear burkas and miniskirts?).

Solution

Quick service take-out restaurant, The Soup Nazi Kitchen, instead of a sit-down bistro. Whatever social distancing measures that are in place will be enforced with the zeal of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi (based on a real person, Albert Yeganeh)!

A meal of a 16 oz soup and an accompaniment can be had here for as little as $9, tax included, making it a well priced and hearty option in an economically distressed community. The 90s and Seinfeld themed nostalgia will hopefully lend comfort and inspire laughter.

Menu

What makes our soups distinctive is that we add garlic-onion-ginger juice to each broth. Broth is made in house using either a variety of bones or an assortment of seasonal vegetables. All prices include tax:

Soups, 16 oz ($6) or 32 oz ($10) options:

• Beef stew (add $1)
• Chicken or the egg? soup
• Bacon and sausage chili
• Salmon stew (add $1)
• Vegan chili
• Chinese dumpling soup
• Tomato soup (vegan)
• Coconut carrot soup (vegan)
• Special weird shit of the week (eg head and tail soup [oxtail soup with beef cheeks]; pig trotters soup; lamb stew; cauliflower New England clam chowder; kimchi tofu shrimp soup; hot and sour egg drop soup)

Accompaniments ($3)

• Curry brown rice and beans (16 oz)
• Yam/kale/beet/apple chips
• Half of a grilled cheese sandwich (add $1 for bacon)
• Black bean brownie
• Hummus
• Chickpea salad
• Kale salad
• Pork and veggie dumplings
• Raw carrot cake
• Garlic cinnamon bread
• Pineapple penises

Drinks ($7, add $1 to add alcohol)

Made and picked up at Alive Juice Bar

• Fresh hacked coconut juice (add $1)
• Kale smoothie
• Green margarita
• Summer berries
• Tropical Bugs Bunny
• Tropical Breakfast
• Tropical Northwest
• Old English malt liquor, 40 oz ($8)
• Saint Ides malt liquor, 40 oz ($8)