Customer Complaints
(Angry woman over the phone) Why is my pineapple cut into the shape of a penis?
Is it too big or too small?
Hey, why didn’t I get a pineapple penis?
We don’t always have time to make them.
What the fuck is this?
Yam penis.
What the fuck is this?
Chicken feet.
You can purchase pineapple penises from our Doordash (delivery service) menu.
Etiquette
How should I answer the question “Hi, how are you?”
Owner usually ignores the question, but according to social critic Paul Fussell (who also hates the “how are you” question), that’s rude. So we’ve come up with a few responses:
- I’m a recovering narcissist so I’m not allowed to talk about myself anymore
- I don’t know
- Why do you want to know?
- I don’t like sharing my feelings to strangers
- None of your business
or tell them how you feel.
- My butt hurts!
- Angry, I want to kill someone
- Horny, can we fuck?
- Cranky, I want to throw this at someone.
- Tired, I want to sleep until I’m dead
How the batshit crazy answer stupid questions.
Menu
Is it true that I can order an original poem for $5 on Doordash?
Sometimes, and it comes with a gift. Check Doordash menu to see if it’s available.
Are the poems any good?
No
Any samples?
Here’s an excerpt from a twenty-line poem:
Do I love you?
Would you know if I do?
What does love taste like?
A taste familiar,
yet refreshingly new
Not good but hopefully it’s entertaining and makes someone’s day better.
What happened to the avocado salad?
Replaced with a beet salad. The beets are cooked and then poached in a vinegar, pineapple, garlic, and ginger mixture. For now, they’re paired with beans and pickled cucumber. It’ll evolve.
What’s in these jars?
Fire cider: ginger, garlic, jalapeno, orange peel, and vinegar. $5.
Other
Is it true that you offer free SAT tutoring and resume writing service?
Yes
Where would it take place?
In our dance studio.
Um, what sort of crazy resume will he teach my kid to write?
One that guarantees that he’ll get call backs. One that looks like this: Boy Wants Job to Get Laid Resume
I sincerely want to know how owner is doing. Can I get an answer?
Between 4am-2pm, he’s angry and happy (workout high). From 2-5, he’s angry and tired = cranky. (That’s why he’s usually on break during those hours). From 5-10pm, he’s angry and happy (yoga high). Now stop asking him this question.
Wait, how can someone be angry and happy at the same time?
Example: football players coming out of the gate are happy and angry at the same time. Anger + happy = focused and high pain tolerance. Now stop having feelings about feelings because that’s why you’re batshit crazy.