(Posted on Craigslist)
Job duties: Get shit done without annoying co-workers and most customers.
Job requirements: Be coachable.
Style of Service: Attentive rather than polite. We anticipate customer needs, get inside their heads.
Preferred: Can speak foreign language. Can cook and serve for a 100 person wedding.
To apply, take our psychological assessment test.
Most of you will flunk this test. That’s ok, we just want to see where you’re at in life and maybe we’ll try to work with it. If you’re not delusional, great, maybe you can manage and someday own the business. In any case, have fun with the test. Don’t think too hard, don’t hesitate to use the internet to research, and boldface your answers, like this:
Why am I taking this test?
a) I’m sadistic
b) I’m wasted
c) I’m batshit crazy
Pay is $10-$14 plus tips ($5-$7/hour). Perks: free juice and dance classes (we have a dance studio).
Multiple Choice Questions
Which is not a Basic Bitch degree?
a) Environmental Science
What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b) The meaning of life
c) How to be happy
Why are so many poor Americans fat?
a) They’re lazy and have bad habits.
b) They don’t have access to or money to buy healthy food
c) They don’t have the education to know what’s best for them.
How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
How many hours a week does Eminem work?
How many hours a week does 50 Cent work?
What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick licked by two of his dancers.
What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Recording himself banging his hot secretary
Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I have chronic fatigue syndrome.
Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Machiavelli’s The Prince.
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
What affect does raising teacher wages have on teacher performance?
a) They don’t perform any better or worse, people are creatures of habit
b) They perform better, money is a great motivator
c) They perform worse, money corrupts.
What was 50 Cent doing on a random Saturday night, 2006?
a) Getting fucked up his ass by his trainer, who resembles Justin Bieber
b) Working out, writing songs and negotiating business contracts.
c) Sucking your mom’s big dick, what the fuck does this have to do with this stupid job?
What’s the best way to improve employee performance?
a) Increase their pay, show them the $$$
b) Be nicer to them, less stress = more success
c) Scare the shit out of them, people get smart when it’s sink or swim.
Why are you so lazy?
a) I don’t have many responsibilities
b) I’m not lazy, I give it my best every day.
c) It’s too hard to think about the wants and needs of others.
What would you most likely pay money to watch?
a) Rabbit humping a growling cat
b) Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite
c) Guy sucking his own dick.
How often do you screw up?
a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s because of someone else.
b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness.
c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
Why are you so silly?
a) I’m wasted
b) I like acting silly.
c) I’m not silly, you’re the one who is silly.
What percentage of businesses fail within 5 years?
a) 50 percent
b) 20 percent
c) 2 percent
Are business owners entitled to a living wage?
a) Yes, everyone is entitled to a living wage.
b) No, it’s business owner’s fault she sucks at work and life
c) No, but we should set up programs to help business owners succeed.
Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m bored.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
Which is not a Basic Bitch major?
c) Computer Science
How do you get someone to change?
b) People don’t change
OPEN ENDED QUESTION
Person A from age 5 to 25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 4 hours a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time learning to build and building, with like-minded friends, random things, like a tree house, a bridge, a dog walking robot. A also spends an hour per day daydreaming of building something that will improve world’s standard of living. At age 25, he graduates with a Masters degree in electrical engineering and is offered a salary of $150,000 to work as a product developer for a green tech company. He gets 3 weeks vacation, full benefits. He accepts the position and works 60-80 hours per week, and is expected to be available for phone calls and e-mails during his vacations. He pays Federal Government 30 percent of his earnings.
Person B, from age 5-25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 1 hour a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time passively watching TV shows and films like Jersey Shore and Twilight, 3 hours a day daydreaming about being wealthy and pampered and adored by everyone. At age 25, he graduates with a degree in Basic Bitch and a minor in Socks, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Unable to find a job in his field of study, he takes a job as a cashier at McDonald’s, making $12 per hour, 40 hours per week, or $24,000 a year. He doesn’t have to pay taxes.
Let’s assume one of them is “underpaid.” Which one and why? (One sentence, keep it short).
Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
How do you respond when your partner tells you you’re lazy?
a) I’m not lazy, I do this this and that for you, you never notice!
b) Why am I lazy?
c) You’re the one who is lazy, asshole.
Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question, like, 3 times. This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.
Open Ended Question
Mary hires Peter and Paul to dig two ditches, assigning one to each. Peter finishes in one hour because he used his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper. Paul, using a shovel, finishes his in 8 hours. How much should Mary pay Peter. How much to Paul? Whom should she hire if she wants a third ditch? (One sentence, keep it short).
How many hours did Peter spend developing his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper?
a) 2, genius comes naturally to him
b) 200, he got a lucky break
c) 2000, innovation is hard work
Why are you so lazy?
a) There’s no point in working hard. Life is unfair, it won’t get me anywhere.
b) Most of my friends are lazy. It’s contagious.
c) I’ve never been exposed to those who work hard and long, like 100 hours a week.
Who is overpaid?
a) Microsoft Engineer making $150,000 a year, full benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation,matching 401k.
b) McDonald’s Cook making $13/hour, no benefits, no paid vacation.
c) Police Officer making $75,000 a year, full benefits, 4 weeks paid vacation, lifetime pension after retirement (20 years service).
The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry motherfucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny. Ha ha. Ha. Right?
part 2 soon, please. stop being lazy, your blogging benefits more than you may realize. or at least one guy. reading this. right now.
Ok ok, sorry, I’ll get it done within 2 weeks.