Customers sometimes ask us for life advice. Which may not be a good idea as none of us seem able to sort out our own messy lives. Anyway, here’s a collection of questions customers frequently ask.
Q: What should I do about my kid? He’s so fucked up!
A: Throw him out of the house (and ya’ll never do until it gets really ugly).
Q: How did my kid turn out this way? I’ve always provided everything he needs, always told him to work hard, stay out of trouble, yada yada.
A: Your kid isn’t a robot. He needs a compelling reason to do what you’d like him to do. Also, your kid is in a school and social culture that promotes inflated self-esteem. The self-esteem movement, which began in the 1970s, has made it difficult for most working class kids to stop making lame excuses, to handle criticism, to be sentient, compassionate, confident, curious. Everyone is special, everyone is a winner, which means nobody has to work hard for love, wealth, knowledge, stable relationships. This culture of inflated self-esteem is prevalent in working class social circles and has made it difficult for working class parents to develop their kids as working class parents had prior to normalization of self-esteem movement. Parents who work against this system will be labeled abusive. Interestingly, upper class parents do not subscribe to self esteem movement and do their best to shield their kids from this wacky ethos by sending them to pressure packed hyper competitive schools that never coddle students and would horrify the don’t- hurt-anyone’s-feelings-generation of parents. Working class immigrants also do not subscribe to self-esteem ethos and thus try to send their kids to public schools with competitive IB programs. Working class Americans who reject the movement sometimes opt for homeschooling.
Q: Should I get a divorce?
Q: Do you know of a good divorce lawyer?
A: Don’t get a divorce.
Q: Do you think my husband is gay?
A: Yes. If you have to ask, then he likely is.
Q: If he’s gay, should I divorce him?
A: Huh? That’s like divorcing someone because they prefer a firmer mattress. Find a better reason before you get the vultures involved.
Q: I got drunk and threw up on the guy’s bed. I really like him. Is he pissed?
A: Yes, he’s pissed. Not so much about you throwing up, more about you getting drunk on each of the first three dates.
Q: How should I act during the first three dates?
A: If it’s marriage you want, act like a responsible mom for first three dates. Act like a tease on the fourth. Act like a drunk slut on the tenth.
Q: But I know of guys who like it when a girl gets drunk on the first date. Is it so wrong to get drunk on one of the first few dates?
A: You really want to marry that kind of guy? Go for it, if you don’t mind a guy who doesn’t expect his partner to act responsibly most of the time, a guy who won’t make you a better person.
Q: Where do I take her on the first date?
A: Somewhere you’re certain she can afford so if date doesn’t go well, both parties can part without losing face. Make it easy for her to let you know that she’s not interested. And don’t assume she *wants* you to pay the entire bill, even if date goes well. Douchebag thing to do is to go somewhere pretentious and expensive (usually overpriced and overrated) to show off, like Seastar or Ruth Chris, to make a big (rather than good, but that’s from my perspective, not necessarily hers) first impression. Start with modest and quiet restaurant until you know each other better. I often recommend establishments such as Maneki, Le Pichet, Tutta Bella, Tamarind Tree, Facing East — all priced within $20-$30 range. Ultimately, where you should take her depends on both your personalities and what you want to communicate to or learn about her.
Q: Should I ask her to pick the restaurant?
A: Probably not, as it would likely suggest to her that you’re irresponsible (afraid of screwing up) and she may think the two of you will end up with a “what do you want to do” type relationship. You’re supposed to figure out what she likes. Makes her feel special, makes you look good, like you have magical powers, when you get it right. All very sexist perhaps, but reality is that most women like to be pursued and tend to be very sexist, much more so than men. Ultimately, you don’t have to work within this system. There are many types of women. It’s up to you.
The Other Sex (apologies for being hetero-centric)
Q: My boyfriend is so weird. Can you explain guys to me?
A: Deep down, most men are scared little boys who just want to play with their toys in some corner. (That’s why we have man caves).
Q: My girlfriend is crazy. What’s wrong with her?
A: I’m convinced that two-thirds of girls between 15-19 are sociopaths (whereas most boys of that age are simply stupid). Some grow out of it, others will never cease to be manipulative and narcissistic. In short, there are many women who are sick and twisted. Anyway, maybe you should ask what’s wrong with you, as you’re still with her.
Q: What do men want in a woman?
A: Tomboy by day, sex kitten by night. All while being Mom on-call.
Q: Why won’t you hire my daughter?
A: Because she’s sick and twisted. See above for more in depth answer.
Q: How do you know she’s sick and twisted, asshole?
A: We have applicants take our behavioral and mental health test. In order to run a business, I have to be able to recognize reality about myself and others. If I don’t, business will collapse. I’ve learned through dealing with employees and hundreds of applicants that your girl-next-door daughter is in fact sick and twisted, and there’s a good chance she’ll be like that for the rest of her life if nobody calls her on her behavior.
Q: Are you saying that your stupid test knows my daughter better than I know her?
A: Yes. Our test has proven to be remarkably accurate. But if it makes you feel better, our test has never been scientifically validated and peer reviewed. Have her take a validated version of the test, like the MMPI, if you want more insight into your daughter’s mind.
Q: Are you saying that I’m a sick, twisted, fuck?
A: Yes. Not because your daughter is sick and twisted — we all make mistakes — but because you don’t recognize that she is sick and twisted.