Application vs. 8.0

Alive Juice Bar will not hire anyone who:

* Drinks wheatgrass (bullshit juice)
* Has a degree in nutrition (mostly outdated knowledge)
* Listens to R. Kelly regularly (means hasn’t grown up)
* Talks about trying to be happy (means not happy)
* Tries to be happy (means miserable)
* Thinks he/she’s brilliant (m….uncoachable and can’t grow)
* Thinks he/she’s hard working (low personal standards)
* Thinks he’she has great social and communication skills (provincial)
* Has degree in Child Psychology (certi-fucking-fiably batshit crazy)
* Thinks he/she’s funny (sarcasm isn’t the lowest form of wit, but there’s too much of it)
* Thinks he/she’s self-aware (self-absorbed and delusional)
* Worships Ayn Rand AND is a Socialist (combo = psychobitch)
* Doesn’t like soup (WTF?)

Job duties: prep food and drinks with precision and alacrity; change expletive laden music when kids walk in; serve customers; listen to, learn about and from customers; never say “no” to customer; tell customer to fuck off; remind customers to shut bathroom door; figure out what people really want, not what they say/think they want; recognize patterns of behavior; deal with hung-over and/or emotional co-workers; ask questions; draw stuff on windows; download music; clean mess; correct co-worker’s grammar; explain why ionized water is for dumbasses; explain difference between glycemic load and glycemic index so customers stop freaking out about carrot juice; tell customer it’s ok to stare at your ass but be discreet about it; ask customer if he has a small penis; ask customer if she has a big penis; ask customer to show his penis; ask customer if she wants to bitch slap you with her big penis; make co-worker stop acting like a whiny bitch; babysit your Bitch.

If it hasn’t occurred to you to research, like check Yelp reviews (of all businesses you apply to), then you don’t deserve to use toilet paper ever again. Attach resume. Don’t hesitate to ask questions in cover letter. Drop the usual cliches that all your friends use…don’t bore us. And remember, you don’t have to dig deep to dig deep. Shit is in front of you, you’ve just been trained to not see it, to repress it. Don’t try to impress, we’re just a bunch of dumbasses trying to make a living and trying to avoid reading the same shit over and over again.

If you want an example of an original resume and cover letter:

If you’re wondering why Wheatgrass is bullshit juice:

If you’re wondering how people turn into a fuck up:

If you want to quit your well paying job to work at Alive Juice Bar, read:

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