Seeking barista to prep and cook food, from yam chips to hummus, kale salads to juices, dinosaur soup to weird shit. Serve and discipline customers too. Check out our yelp reviews to get a sense of store atmosphere and work culture. (You should be checking out yelp reviews of every restaurant you apply to. If you don’t, you’re a lazy dumbass who doesn’t give a shit about your future and other people).
Application questions below. Most of you won’t be able to figure out the point of the application. That’s ok. You’ve been brainwashed at school, by media, and your parents probably feed your narcissism by inflating your self-esteem, telling you how wonderful you are, even though you haven’t done jack shit in life. Most people prefer to let you keep failing instead of hurting your feelings. Our job is to bring you back to reality, reality about yourself and others. Apply only if you want to live with reality instead of escape and fantasy.
When answering the questions, be reflective, research online for clues. Dig deep. This won’t be easy. For most of you, it’ll be painful if you put in the effort (most of you have been taught to avoid pain at all cost). But there’s a reward in the end if you can figure out the application. No, not a job at Alive Juice Bar. Self-recognition is far more important than landing a job at a hole in a wall juice bar in some soulless suburban stripmall.
Another clue: be consistent. Be honest.
You don’t have to be a superstar. None of us at Alive Juice Bar are superstars. Apply only if you’d like to work with deeply flawed, mediocrities like us. Questions below. Bold face your answer. Pick best answer. Attach resume.
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Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
Why are you so nice?
a) I’m hiding my incompetence by being nice so nobody except jerks calls me on it. Nice people don’t get criticized.
b) If I’m nice to others, they’ll return the favor. It’ll help me get ahead in life.
c) I’m not, I’m just faking it to fit in.
How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40
How many hours a week does the CEO of Yahoo work?
a)100
b)70
c)40
How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)70
c)30
Your child comes home with a “B” on a Math test. You:
a) Congratulate him for doing a great job.
b) Berate him for not doing better because “B” is for Bitch.
c) Call teacher to ask why her tests are so hard.
Who is overpaid?
a) Microsoft Engineer making $150,000 a year, full benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation,matching 401k.
b) McDonald’s Cook making $10/hour, no benefits, no paid vacation.
c) Police Officer making $75,000 a year, full benefits, 4 weeks paid vacation, lifetime pension after retirement (20 years service).
What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Bangs his hot secretary.
How often do you experience road rage?
a) Once a day
b) Once a week
c) Never
Why are you so mean?
a) I’m impatient, I get annoyed at people easily.
b) I’m not mean, I’m nice, I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings. Mean people suck.
c) If I’m not mean, I’ll get stepped on. They’ll crush me.
Why are you so silly?
a) I’m not silly, you’re the one who is silly.
b) I’m stoned.
c) I don’t see the point in taking life so seriously. In the end, we’re all going to die.
Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I have chronic fatigue syndrome.
Why are you so lazy?
a) I get stressed out easily.
b) I’m self-centered and self-absorbed, so I don’t like making sacrifices for others. It’s too much work.
c) I like having fun. I need rest and relaxation.
Why do you work so hard?
a) I have a lot of responsibilities
b) I’m ambitious, I want to do something special
c) I don’t work hard, I’m lazy
Why are your friends boring?
a) They’re not boring. They’re a lot of fun.
b) They never want to try anything new. They talk about and do the same things over and over again. They’re really conventional.
c) I don’t know.
How many years SHOULD you spend in jail?
a) 0
b) 1-3
c) more than 3
Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m bored.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again.
c) Getting his dick sucked by two of his dancers.
Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
Why do you hate poor people?
a) We hate those we’re afraid of becoming. I’m afraid I’ll become or am one of them
b) I don’t hate them. I want to help them by showing them how to become better, someone more like me.
c) They’re lazy and have bad habits that are ruining society. They’re hopeless.
What was Tupak Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Diary of Anais Nin
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
How many people do you hate?
a) 0
b) 1-5
c) More than 5
What would you do to someone you hate?
a) Fart on them.
b) Get Dark Ages on them, dungeon style
c) Death by thousand cuts.
OPEN ENDED QUESTION
Person A from age 5 to 25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 4 hours a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time learning to build and building, with like-minded friends, random things, like a tree house, a bridge, a dog walking robot. A also spends an hour per day daydreaming of building something that will improve world’s standard of living. At age 25, he graduates with a Masters degree in electrical engineering and is offered a salary of $150,000 to work as a product developer for a green tech company. He gets 3 weeks vacation, full benefits. He accepts the position and works 60-80 hours per week, and is expected to be available for phone calls and e-mails during his vacations. He pays Federal Government 30 percent of his earnings.
Person B, from age 5-25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 1 hour a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time passively watching TV shows and films like Jersey Shore and Twilight, 3 hours a day daydreaming about being wealthy and pampered and adored by everyone. At age 25, he graduates with a degree in Socks, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Unable to find a job in his field of study, he takes a job as a cashier at McDonald’s, making $10 per hour, 40 hours per week, or $20,000 for the year. He doesn’t have to pay taxes.
Let’s assume one of them is “underpaid.” Which one and why?
Multiple Choice
What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
b)BMW
c)Hummer
Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question, like, 3 times. This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.
Open Ended Question
Mary hires Peter and Paul to dig two ditches, assigning one to each. Peter finishes in one hour because he used his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper. Paul, using a shovel, finishes his in 8 hours. How much should Mary pay Peter. How much to Paul? Whom should she hire if she wants a third ditch?
How do poor people talk?
a) They brag about themselves, make themselves seem better than they are.
b) They like to talk a lot about their problems.
c) They talk like desperate victims, begging for help.
How many hours did Peter spend developing his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper?
a) 2, genius comes naturally to him
b) 200, he got a lucky break
c) 2000, innovation is hard work
Why are you so lazy?
a) There’s no point in working hard. Life is unfair, it won’t get me anywhere.
b) Most of my friends are lazy. It’s contagious.
c) I’ve never been exposed to those who work hard, like 100 hours a week.
Why are you so nice?
a) I’m lazy and have low standards.
b) I want to be liked and popular.
c) I’m not nice. I’m responsible and want to get shit done.