Driving While Asian

(Performed at Everett Art Walk, 6/17/21)

Part I — Driving While Asian

You’ve all heard about what it’s like to be “driving while Black.” Like Black folks stopped for minor infractions and getting shot at because they didn’t keep their hands up as they reached for their id. But have you wondered what it’s like to be driving while Asian?

I mean, I haven’t been pulled over since 2008. And I DRIVE like an Asian! (squinty Asian eyes) From NYC!!! (middle finger out). So not only am I a maniac on the road who doesn’t follow rules, I’m mean about it!

Like, I don’t see lines on the road, (squinty Asian eyes), I only see concrete. Road signs are guidelines to me. That “Road Closed” sign a block away means nothing to me, I drive on the wrong side of the road all the time. Because I don’t see lines, only concrete. Wherever there’s concrete, that’s where I’m driving,

A cop sees me driving on the wrong side of the road, they don’t bother. Tabs expired for 5 months, nothing. What does it take for a Chinaman to get pulled over nowadays? I mean, what are the cops thinking? Anyone? I think they’re thinking, nah, not worth it, he probably only has Math books in his trunk. Which I do have. But how do they know that I don’t have a dead body? How do you know I don’t have a dead body in my drunk? Hey, if you don’t think that I have a dead body in the trunk of my car, you’re a fucking racist.

Part II — Asian Drivers

Anyone been to Asia? Can you imagine living in a place where every mother fucking person drives like an Asian? Those of you who have been, you know I’m not joking about Asians not seeing lines and not giving a shit about road signs. It’s wild out there. I got in a cab in Taipei, and driver is reading a fucking magazine while tailgating and honking at a scooter carrying a family of 4. And he doesn’t see the lines on the road. Just swerves in and out, in and out.

Part III — How to Eat Like a Chinaman.

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