Dummy Boy wanted to take me to brunch at one of his Dummy Restaurants where they serve Dummy Food that’ll make me fat and crazy. I don’t like that, I don’t want to be fat and crazy because I’m not that kind of girl. So I suggested we get dim sum at Fashion Dim Sum instead. He didn’t want to go because he thinks “Oriental food is weird” and he doesn’t want to eat “dogs and cats.” So I put on a sundress that’s just sheer enough so that when there’s enough light on it he can see the outline of my underwear. He liked that, he really liked that. So he tried but I wouldn’t let him touch me here and there and dare unless we go to Fashion Dim Sum and only after we’re done because I’m not that kind of girl, I’m not like those sluts who give it up without a fight. So to Fashion Dim Sum we went!
When we arrived, I could tell the food is going to be authentic because of all the funny Chinese sounding noises people were making and we were greeted Chinese style instead of Dummy style. Instead of asking us “Hi, how are you, my name is Dummy?” the waitress pointed at a clean table and told us to sit there. Chinese people are so efficient, I like that, I especially like not having to lie to strangers about how I feel! And instead of carts of food rolling around like at other dim sum places, they give you a menu with photos of the food and a piece of paper for you to write down which items you want. I like that too because it’s so quick and easy to do it that way and I bet it keeps labor costs down. Chinese people are so smart!
I ordered the following:
- Pork Siu Mai
- Shrimp Dumplings
- Shanghai Juicy Buns
- Beef Tripe in Ginger
- Chinese fried donut
- Hot Soy Milk
- Piggy Buns
At first it was hard to get Dummy Boy to try anything because everything looked weird to him. To get him to try the chicken feet, I told him that he can do this and that to me while calling me Ling Ling. He liked that, he was really excited about that so he tried chicken feet and…liked it! Until he choked on the small bones and started sounding like a Jew dying in a holocaust gas chamber. I didn’t l like that, I don’t like the sound of Jews dying because I’m not that kind of girl, I’m not mean and an anti-semite like some other people I know. To get him try the beef tripe, I gave him permission to do that and this to me while calling me my sister’s name. He liked that too. Everything else Dummy Boy tried on his own and liked all of it, especially the fried donut dipped in soy milk, which I liked too because they’re hot and crispy, not sugary, which means they won’t make me fat. I like that.
The beef tripe was the best I’ve ever had, it had the right balance of crunchy and chewy and each bite burst with juices that has just the right amount of ginger. The shrimp dumplings were packed with shrimp, weren’t too doughy, and made me feel like the first time I let a boy touch me here. The piggy buns were soooo cute I started petting them and nearly couldn’t eat them but finally did after I told myself that they belong to that stupid bitch Michelle I went to middle school with. I loved the pillowy texture and the burst of piggy juices reminded me of one of my neighbors I grew up with. My favorite was the Shanghai juicy buns. Each bun is filled with pork and broth which you dip in a house vinegar soy mixture. Eating this made me feel a bit better than the time I a caught a boy I like looking up my skirt, but not quite as good as that time my sister’s boyfriend kissed me because he thought I was drunk and wouldn’t remember. Just to be clear, even though that felt really good, I’m not that kind of girl anymore. I’m just not.
Thanks Fashion Dimsum for providing a brunch that won’t make me fat and crazy and that someone as dumb as Dummy Boy likes. We’ll be back!