How to Talk To Customers (from employee training manual)

Talk to them as a courtesan would to her benefactor.  Or you could talk to them as some street skank whore does to her john; or as some $300/hour escort to her client.  Think about the differences between the three:

Whore: fucks a lot of guys each day to get her drugs.

Escort: fucks a few guys and listens to them complain about stupid shit a few times a week to pay for living expenses and a few luxuries.

Courtesan:   fucks a few guys per year she advises on marital, political and business matters.

Which do you want to be?  You want your customers to be benefactors, clients, or johns?  You want to live in a world where there’s a good chance someone’s going to knock your rotting teeth out or where you don’t have to worry about being murdered on the job?  Do you want to live a life where your opinion matters?  So you better start practicing now because the courtesans have been working on their game ever since they could talk and walk.

What’s the only difference between a street whore and an escort?  The former has a drug habit for way too long.  What’s the difference between an escort and a courtesan? The former is a narcissist.  Notice I haven’t mentioned anything about looks because as long as the body’s bangin’, that’s mostly irrelevant.

Know Your Customer
What do most people like to talk about the most?  Pick:

a) Ideas
b) Other people
c) Themselves

Correct answer is C.  Narcissism is our Original Sin and your job is to figure out how to curb your own narcissistic urges so you can turn the customer into your benefactor (what most want to be) instead of a john (what most are).  Put simply, your job is to seduce those we want as customers and to repel the shitheads.


a) Treat others as you want to be treated
b) Treat others as they treat you
c) Treat others as they want to be treated

Those who pick A are intolerant narcissists because they project their wants and needs onto other people, they don’t realize that other people have different preferences and perspectives from their own.  Those who pick A can only have friends who are copies of themselves because any deviance from their narrow worldview offends their sense of self and righteousness.  Repel these people, they’re dangerous.  They color themselves with righteous sounding identities such as “social justice warrior” and “human rights activist” to hide the fact that they’re totalitarians and liars.

If you picked B, then you’ve picked up on psychological mirroring, which is how you achieve “greater connection and understanding with the individual who is being mirrored” (Wiki entry of Mirroring). Mirroring requires empathy, which is not the same as sympathy (ie. narcissists being nice), and empathy involves seeing something from  different perspectives.  Those who pick B are also good at protecting themselves from being used because they give off vibe that they will retaliate in kind to protect themselves.

Those who pick C are capable of empathy, but incapable of protecting themselves.

How to Talk to Customers
Now that you know who the shitheads are — they often refuse to follow Ordering Guidelines because they wrongly assume employees are as easily stressed out as they are (narcissistic projection) — you can focus on providing the best service possible to our customers without violating your integrity.  All prostitutes have boundaries.

Ask Them Questions
Two to three is best, any more and some get annoyed. When you ask someone a question about themselves, you make that person feel less lonely.  Most are very lonely because most people prefer to talk about themselves than ask questions, which means few are listening.  (Hermits, ironically, are the least lonely because they haven’t lost the ability — a rich inner world — to keep themselves company).  A customer you make feel less lonely becomes your benefactor.  It’s not hard to pull off.  Here’s an example of an uncivilized conversation:

You: Whom did you vote for?
Customer: Trump
You: You’re an ignorant racist!
Customer: Hey fuck you.

Never rush to judgment and conclusion, you’ll never learn and grow if you do that.  Here’s how to have the same conversation the civilized way.

You: Whom did you vote for?
Customer: Trump
You: Why did you vote for him?
Customer: I like that he wants to get the US out of foreign engagements we have no business being in and I like that he promises to protect US steel industry because that’s a matter of national security.  We need to have a robust steel industry in case we go to war…
You: Interesting, I never thought of it that way, thanks for the insight.  Do you think Trump is a racist?
Customer: Not anymore than any of the other candidates.  He’s just more uncensored and I care more about results than insults.

Always ask at least 2 follow up questions.  (Again, too many and you’ll annoy some people so watch for that). The more questions you ask, the closer you’ll get to the truth.  Another uncouth conversation:

You: How are you?
Customer: I’m fine.  How are you?
You: Omigod, my math professor is such a stupid jerk off.  Can you believe he doesn’t give partial credit?  Who does that?  I mean, I’m really good at Math, I got straight As in it in high school and now I have a C.  How is that possible?  Don’t you think there’s something wrong with him?

That’s how skanks talk — mostly about themselves and their own stupid problems.  Few people care about your problems. Some will pretend to care. An escort, for instance, talks to show solidarity with her customer.  Example:

Customer: my son is having a lot of problems at school.
You: I’m sorry.  Boys are really tough to deal with at that age.  He’ll grow out of it, I’m sure.

A courtesan, on the other hand, talks to solve other people’s problems. Example:

Customer: my son is having a lot of problems at school.
You: What sort of problems?
Customer: drugs, not doing his schoolwork.  He’s close to flunking out.
You: Why is he doing those things?
Customer: Not sure.  He could be bored, he doesn’t learn the way they want him to learn.
You: Would you consider a boarding school that’s better suited for his learning style?
Customer: Maybe.  Tell me more…

This conversation gives customer an opportunity to get beyond ranting, to think about solutions to his problem.  The courtesan’s value is in her usefulness, not her sex.

Avoid Banalities and Cliches
Make yourself stand out.  If everyone else is asking: “Hi, how are you?” then find another question to ask.  “Where are you going?,” for instance.  Example:

You: Where are you going after this?
Customer: Checking out a wedding venue.
You: You getting married?
Customer: Yes!
You: Do you have a caterer?
Customer: No, why do you ask?
You: We’ve catered weddings.  Can we put a bid in?
Customer: Absolutely!

Asking people *what* they’re doing will generate more business and social opportunities.  Another example:

You: What do you do for work?
Customer: I’m a structural engineer.
You: Hey, I’m majoring in Physics to become a structural engineer.  Do you have internships?
Customer: We do. Have a resume ready by Friday and I’ll stop in to look at it.
You: Awesome, will do.  Thanks!

See why some people have all the luck?  These people live a different routine from those who have no luck or bad luck.  You’re responsible for your own karma.

Don’t Lie to Customer
There are few instances where lying is justified.  We’re not going to get into those because most people in America are compulsive liars. It’s a polite nation.

Say “I don’t know.”
That’s what intelligent people say when they don’t know something.  Only broken, insecure people with inflated self-esteem make random guesses.  These people are more concerned with how they look than the truth and they end up looking good only to those who can’t help them move ahead.

It’s ok to guess as long as you let the customer know that you’re making an educated guess.

Never Say What You Don’t Mean
Even when a customer says hi to you with an insincere and trite greeting — “How are you?” — don’t just play along to be polite — “I’m fine, thank you.  How are you?” — if that’s not how you feel.  Compulsive lying begins with seemingly benign little lies.  Batshit crazy also begins with thinking that everything needs to be A-ok all the fucking time and with suppressing your emotions.  Engaging in scripted politeness will also train you to NOT listen when people talk.  Don’t let these savages destroy your life.  Alternative responses to the vapid “How are you?” question:

“Dunno, haven’t thought about it.”  (This one elicits the most laughs)
“Why do you ask?”
Ignore the question. (What I usually do)

Or answer honestly.  It could be “I’m fine.”  Could also be:

“I’m angry.  I want to beat the shit out of someone.”
“I’m really confused because my boyfriend told me something last night that came out of nowhere yada yada yada….”

Don’t let customers violate your integrity.  Don’t lie about stupid shit because if you do, you’ll soon start lying about all sorts of shit out of habit.

Be Precise and Say Less
The more you say, the less people will understand and trust you.  Say only what needs to be said.  Say what you have to say in as few words as possible to minimize misunderstanding and sounding like a rambling idiot. Example:

Customer: What do you do with the juice fiber?
Bad Answer: Well, we generally just throw out most of it.  Some of it though we’ll use to make the raw carrot cake desert.  We’ll also use it in the avocado salad.
Good Answer: (pointing to fridge) Carrot cake and avocado salads.

The good answer will result in more customers exploring other products.  Bad answer will confuse most customers.  Keep it simple.  Less is more, less is more.

Control Customer Perception and Expectations
Customer perception and expectations are as important as the products themselves.  It’s similar to psychological framing:

The framing effect is an example of cognitive bias, in which people react to a particular choice in different ways depending on how it is presented…

Much of the perception and expectations are framed by the decor, prices, and online marketing (yelp reviews, Facebook updates).  You frame it by how you describe our products.

Never use superlatives — “tastes incredible” — to describe our products.  Taste is subjective so that’s for the customer to decide.  Just describe the flavor and texture profile of a product.  Reference familiar flavors and textures if that helps.  Examples:

Bad: “The Supermodel tastes great and will make you look like a Supermodel, guaranteed!”
Good: Probably won’t make you a Supermodel. But you’ll feel like one: mildly hungry, bitchy, and jaded.  You’ll understand why Naomi Campbell throws phones at people.”  (description on menu).

Those who order the Supermodel often comment on how it’s a lot more filling than they expected.

Play the slow game.  Be modest, never boastful.  It’ll make our products taste better. The sales will come.

Be Dignified
If a customer treats you poorly, it’s your fault not the customer’s. Only undignified people blame others when treated poorly. The dignified blame themselves and take steps to ensure it never happens again.

This is difficult to pull off because most American schools and much of American society train people to play victim.  Society even celebrates victims, as Nietzsche predicted it would (slave morality). Avoid the temptation to play victim, it’ll dis-empower you.  Be noble, not pathetic.  From our application question, pick what you think most people pick:

Someone mugs you.  Whose fault is it that you were mugged?
a) Mugger’s fault
b) Your fault
c) Society’s fault

Leftist Lemmings pick C. Kookie Conservatives pick A.  Noble people pick B.  The moment you think like a victim is the moment you lose control of your destiny and become a victim.  The predators can smell a prey who deserves to be eaten.

Be Commanding
If you can tell that a customer doesn’t like something, *command* them to return it and fix it to their liking.  Don’t ask them if they want you to fix it because they would’ve asked you to do so already if they’re well adjusted adults. No, you’re dealing with cowards who prefer childish lies: “no, it’s fine” (usually the problem is that it’s too green tasting) when it’s not because they think it’s rude to say otherwise.  So you have to *command* them to do what’s best for them, treat them like the children they are.  Say “bring it here, I’ll fix it.” And resist the urge to call that person a “passive-aggressive fucktard” as you fix the problem.


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