Where did Alive move from? Shoreline, there for nearly 11 years.
Why did Alive move? Good vibes from downtown Everett and most people here haven’t been infected with the Woke-Zombie disease spreading from Seattle.
Does Owner piss people off for free publicity? No, but we’ll take the publicity.
Is the owner racist? Don’t know.
How many times has the owner been in jail? Why do you ask?
Why would you work for such a Monster? Stockholm Syndrome
Is everything organic? Sixty percent of ingredients are organic. Coconuts and pineapples, for instance, are not. Apples, carrots, kale are.
Is everything made fresh? Almost everything, nothing from frozen.
Are these your recipes? Yes, all of them.
Is owner a free speech activist? No, he believes in censorship. But boundaries should always be negotiated.
What do you mean? He self-censors — he’s 90 percent transparent, and keeps 10 percent of his work to himself and a few others. He’ll release those works when and if he thinks it’s appropriate to do so.
Can I have a peak? Sure, he’s working on “Oedipus Jones, that Motherfucker.” It’s an updated retelling of the Story of Oedipus Rex. It’s about a Black boy adopted by a White family who, for fun, name him Oedipus. The story begins with Oedipus bullied by schoolmate taunts of “motherfucker.” That’s as much as you need to know.
Do you deliver? Yes, we offer free delivery for planned meal orders. Otherwise, Doordash is our preferred delivery vendor.
I spent 3 months posing as a neo-Nazi to infiltrate into the twisted, demented world of the The Juice Nazi. Here’s what I found, after he let me into his perverted secret world. Prepare to be disturbed and if you are, as you should be, I apologize. I know it’s a difficult job, but somebody has to rid the world of racist, fascist, misogynist, homophobic, transphobic, heteronormative, intersectionally inverted scum to make this world a safe space for morally pure revolutionaries like us.
He Abuses His Dog
His dog always looks sad like this.
His dog always looks sad because he abuses it. And not just physically, he doesn’t feed it certified fair labor and racist free dog food. The dog also told me that he’s actually a ferret in a dog’s body, but The Juice Nazi insists on taking him to dog parks that don’t have safe spaces for ferrets stuck in a dog’s body.
He Collects Memorabilia of Mass Murderers
I found this in one of his bathrooms. I think he worships Chairman Mao while he takes a shit. Disgusting.
And then there are posters of Chairman Mao, like the one on the left.
The painting on the above right isn’t Chairman Mao, but it’s nearly as evil: it’s of a Chinese soldier laughing after massacring thousands of woke student protestors. The Juice Nazi revels in death and destruction.
Above is another poster celebrating the life of Chairman “mass murderer” Mao. He has many more that are far more disturbing but I don’t want to overwhelm you by posting pictures of all of them.
He Graduated From One of the Most Racist, Sexist, Homophobic, and Transphobic Universities in the World.
It’s no surprise that The Juice Nazi was educated at homophobic, racist, and misogynist Milo Yiannapolous’s “favorite University in the world,” The University of Chicago. This sad excuse of an institution of higher education is one of the few unenlightened schools that doesn’t have safe spaces, offer trigger warnings, and won’t cancel visits by fascists.
Trigger warning: careful when reading parts I underlined.
This school is also known for graduating brainwashed Uncle Tom scholars like Thomas Sowell, who studied under renown anti-Semite Milton Friedman and continues to spew racist and misogynistic language at the Fascist Hoover Institute at Stanford University. I don’t know about you, but I get triggered every time I see a fascist wear a University of Chicago or a Stanford sweatshirt, we’ll work on banning those sweatshirts next. Power to the People!
This is what I found on his bookshelf, written by renown anti-Semite Art Spiegelman.
I understand if you need to look away. I’m sorry if these images disturb you.
I didn’t want to look inside but I did anyway because I’m a Woke journalist. These books teach fascists how to murder Jews. And it dehumanizes Jews by depicting them as mice, making it seem as if murdering Jews is rodent control! What’s really disturbing is that it won the Pulitzer Prize in 1992, which shows you how fascist and in the dark AmeriKKKa was before the Woke Movement. We would never let that happen in 2021.
Fascist bookshelf by his bed
He has a book about bombs, which means he’s planning to commit acts of domestic terrorism. (I’ve already notified the FBI). A racist book about civil rights by self-described self-hating Uncle Tom Sowell. He even has a biography about Steve Bannon, which means he worships fascist Steve Bannon who got Trump elected.
He Does Yoga
The only reason why he does yoga is so he can leer at womyn’s behinds. He’s a pervert. Below is rare footage of the Juice Nazi.
Yoga while surrounded by images of a mass murderer. The green thing is his favorite sex toy.
Here he’s actually sucking his own dick because nobody else wants to suck it. Sucking one’s own dick is a common neo-Nazi practice.
His Facebook Searches and Music Mixes
He spends most of his time online searching for other Nazis to hang out with.
His playlist includes a song by Ministry that includes the following depraved lyrics (trigger warning):
Die! Die! Die! Die! You said it! Sedatives supplied become laxatives My eyes shit out lies I only kill to know I’m alive So what? So what? So what? So what? Die! Die! Die! Die!
This is what Nazis listen to as they imagine committing genocide.
Formative Years
Was he always this way? Yes, I’m sad to say, he was, even as a teenager, and I don’t know if we can reform him, make him woke. Disturbing image below:
He likes getting his dick sucked while he’s taking a shit. It’s common Nazi sexual practice that I found in my research on Nazi sexuality.
His Closet
Typical closed minded heteronormative and transphobic choice of clothing. He’s so gender rigid that he doesn’t have any non-binary underwear, no “she” style panties and skirts. This is an obvious sign of misogyny and transphobia and that he’ll commit murderous acts against anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into his binary world of identities.
Final Thoughts
It’s been exhausting researching this, even more exhausting and deeply troubling to write it. But I hope we now have a better understanding of how the Juice Nazi thinks so we can put a stop to his genocidal plans. Peace out, writing for Antifa Broadcast Channel.
Perfect Bars come in three flavors, almond, dark chocolate, and peanut butter.
Lindt 85% cocoa dark chocolate, $3
8 oz. pineapple penises, $3
Your reward for eating your veggies.
Hempler’s, “no nitrates” uncured landjaeger, $2
“Nuts in a sack” – two organic hard boiled eggs, $2
Convenient costco eggs
Ask about fruit platters and 32 oz. jars of juice.
Deserts
Black bean brownie, $3 Vegan and gluten-free, taste and texture just like a dark chocolate brownie.
“Raw” carrot cake, $3 Raw carrot fiber bonded with raw honey, ginger-lemon-almond frosting. And a sprinkle of cinnamon.
“Raw” carrot cake
24 oz. Smoothies, $7
Tropical Northwest Apple, Pineapple, Banana, Carrot Juice
The Nasty Shit If you insist on getting what the owner drinks. Additional $1 to fix the drink to your liking if you don’t like it.
Green Margarita Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Pineapple, Mango, Banana, Soy Milk
Kale Smoothie Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Orange, Banana, Mango, Ginger, Green-tea Carrot Juice
Tropical Breakfast Orange, Pineapple, Banana, Carrot Juice
Tropical Bugs Bunny Pineapple, Mango, Banana, Carrot Juice
Sleazy Slavik (is a) Dickhead Cactus, Orange, Pineapple, Banana, Green Tea
Coconut Juice or Smoothie Free range young Thai coconut hacked in front of you.
Smoothies
Juices $5.00 for 16 oz., $7.00 for 24 oz. Served over ice. Ask for “no ice” if you don’t want ice.
Veggie Juice Kale/Collard, Beet, Celery, Carrot, Lemon, Ginger
Attitude Cleanse It’s the Veggie Juice with less carrot, more ginger, add cayenne (to your liking) and seasonal veggies of the day. It’s the least sweet of all the juices.
Green Energizer Kale/Collard Greens, Apple, Celery, Cucumber, Lemon, Ginger
Phreaky Phil Dickhead Pineapple, Carrot
The Basic Bitch Carrot, Orange
The ExErcist Kale/Collard, Beet, Celery Carrots, Apple, Lemon, Ginger
Celery Juice Only Contains too much salt but if you really want us to make it, we will.
Juices!
Detox Shots $4.00 for double Turmeric-Ginger. Pineapple penis included.
Hot Drinks $5.00 for 16 oz (tax included)
Green Awakening Green tea, raw honey, lots of ginger, lemon
Protein shakes (smoothies with protein added), $7.00 for 24 oz.
Butterfinger Watermelon, Apple, Banana, Peanut Butter, Carrot Juice
The Supermodel ($8) Avocado, kale/collard green ginger, lemon, cucumber. No fruit.
Wheatgrass Jamba Juice sells it, we don’t.
Acai Bowls Are stupid. I hate them, I want to buy one so I can throw it at someone.
Add-Ons, #1 Flax Seed Extra peanut butter Almonds Extra Protein Vegan protein (instead of default whey protein) Blessing (non-denominational) Curse (non-denominational) Good Service (includes smile and lasts 2 minutes) Bad Service (your choice of being called “Fuckface” or “Monkey Jizz”) Request to Change Music Flirting (includes wink)
CALORIE GUIDE
7 inch banana, average girth = 100 1 cup of mixed fruit = 100 2 tbl peanut butter = 200
Typical smoothie without greens = 250-300 calories. More greens means fewer calories.
Oct 23rd is our last day at present location. Thanks for the memories. This photo video commemorates an amazing 10 and a half years. We’re taking a vacation and will be back to fight fight FIGHT motherfucking Dragons in 2021!
It’s 1909, and a fuckface who owns a department store in London comes up with one of the dumbfuckingest slogans ever to promote his business: “The Customer is Always Right!” For this, I’m sending him to Hell in my upcoming novel: Paradise Frost: Satan as Santa, where he’ll spend eternity getting his dick licked by two pitbulls.
Think of it this way, would you get into a relationship with anyone under the stipulation that the other person is always right? Sure, if you’re a submissive into BDSM, and then only with someone you trust, not any random stranger. Because anyone who wants to be or thinks they’re always right is likely a psychopath.
Then why would a business enter into a Master and Servant relationship with their customers (as their Master)? To do so, after all, is to invite the customer to act like a psychopath whipping around her 10 inch cock for all to worship.
Because there are shortsighted business owners who don’t give a shit about their employees. These business owners let their employees lick Karen’s boots and get fucked up the ass by Karen’s black sized strap-on — sexual harassment, condescension, anything goes to make sure Karen doesn’t call the cops. This type of business owner is irresponsible and demented, sets civilization back by encouraging and normalizing psychopathic behavior and making good service difficult to give and appreciate. You can’t have a conversation with a psychopath, okay?
Once this slogan became popularized into an asinine dictum throughout the Anglo world, especially in the US, it institutionalized a style of service that’s obsequious, onerous, and fake. And mindless middle class Americans (from all income groups) love it because they are psychopaths, look at the mental health and substance abuse data for this demographic if you don’t believe me.
And how in the hell does a business improve itself and maintain its integrity if the “customer is always right?” Steve Jobs ignored focus groups because he knew that customers don’t know what they want when it hasn’t been invented. Besides, people tend to lie when they’re in a contextless environment, as most focus groups are. Sure, everyone tells the Sociofuckingologist they want to be healthy, that doesn’t mean any of them will do anything to improve their health. Psychopaths lie to be liked by others, they’re addicted to affirmation.
If the “customer is always right,” there wouldn’t be an Alive Juice Bar. No Attitude Cleanse, no Kale Smoothies — those aren’t drinks most people, not even 10 percent, want. And it’s not my job to give what the customer wants, if it were I’d be selling heroin and hos instead of peddling fruits and vegetables. My job is to expand people’s palates so they enjoy food more while eating nutritionally balanced meals. My vision is a place where people can explore what’s possible to eat, and not simply indulge in what they want to eat. None of this is possible if the “customer is always right.”
In fact, the customer is usually wrong and any business owner who doesn’t realize this must not be confident about his expertise. If you don’t know what you’re doing, if you’re not an artisan with superior knowledge and skill, then don’t go into business. Every business I patronize I expect the owner to know a lot more than I do about his craft, otherwise I’d do it myself. The business is the master, I’m the apprentice.
That said, this book is a collection of insults, curses, and blessings we’ve given to customers. Some customers paid us — $1 — to insult, curse, and bless them. Others received unsolicited insults and curses not because we want to insult or curse them, but because we want to use their bad reviews of Alive Juice Bar as marketing material to let people know what kind of place we are and who should and shouldn’t patronize it. They’re like rap battles to us.
The book is divided into three parts. Part I, Do You Love Me?, is a collection of love poems we’ve written to customers for $5. (Option available on Doordash). Part II, Insults and Disses, is a collection of exchanges we’ve had between customers on Yelp and Google Reviews. Part III, Curses and Blessings, has some of the $1 curses and blessings customers have purchased.
Comments welcome, can send them to foodyap@gmail.com. Address the subject line with “Hey Asshole.”
This cookbook has most of the recipes created at Alive Juice Bar from its inception in 2010 to its closing (and relocation to downtown Everett, WA) in 2020. It’s a farewell present to the customers we’re leaving, a thank you for their patronage. This cookbook is also a collection of memories to look back on and to show how we’ve evolved over the years.
The title How to Make the Nasty Shit Taste Good references how most people relate to vegetables as food — they’re “nasty” and to be avoided. According to the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) data, just 12.2% of American adults are meeting the standard for fruit, and 9.3% are meeting the standard for vegetables. (I consider CDC’s “standard” a low bar). Alive Juice Bar’s mission, then, is to train those who hate eating veggies to *enjoy* eating them. I say “train” because there’s a psychological element to people’s disdain for eating veggies, and palates can be trained to appreciate a variety of flavors, textures, and combinations.
That said, use this cookbook judiciously. Don’t assume that every recipe in here is going to be liked by everyone, or even by most people. This cookbook isn’t a collection of the most popular hits — Alive Juice Bar has never tried to be popular — it’s an exploration of what’s possible for each of us to cook and eat. I don’t expect everyone to like our Kale Smoothie, and I expect most to not like the Nasty Shit (what I drink every morning).
Use the recipes as guides, not as hard rules. Don’t hesitate to make adjustments according to your taste and dietary needs. Add more apple and less kale if you prefer a sweeter drink. And vice versa.
Those interested in the psychological and political dimensions of cooking and eating should read the companion to this cookbook, How to Cook Like a Racist, available on Amazon, Kindle, and at Alive Juice Bar.
We’ll also be publishing a third cookbook, which will have recipes from our upcoming restaurant The Soup Nazi Kitchen, hopefully by the end of 2020. That cookbook will provide a much more in depth exploration of how we make our soups than does this one. There’ll be 40 soup recipes in that one, whereas this one has four.
Love and hate letters and comments welcomed. Send to foodyap@gmail.com.
Three weeks left, we close Shoreline location Oct. 23rd. Reopen in downtown Everett, aiming for Jan. 1st, along with new baby, The Soup Nazi Kitchen. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram for updates. In the meantime, we’ll celebrate 10 and a half years. Then we’ll prepare for the future. xoxo
————————————–
Surreal and euphoric, this time has been Audacious beginnings, we near the end Rarefied and risque, that’s who we are Impish and ironic, it’s worked thus far Nimble and shrewd, we’ll continue to be Adroit as we move on, for all to see
Innocuous, we’ve never and are not
Lewd and lascivious, that’s been our style Opprobrium we welcome, makes us smile View us with disdain, hate us with slow rage Everything the critics say, we’ll upstage
Yonder we now go, I’ll miss ya’ll so much Obstreperous, I vow, we’ll always be Until next time, promise to stay in touch
This is how sane, highly functional people think about themselves and others. Ask: who is more likely to live life as one of the working poor with all sorts of mental health problems, the person who thinks the CEO of Walmart works 40 hours a week, or the one who thinks he works 100 hours a week?
Your son is sick. What do you do? a) stay home with him to dote on him until he gets better b) let him die, he’s going to be a meth addict anyway c) have him get better in the spare room in the basement, throw out his favorite toy
Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do? a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel. b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week. c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
Why are unhappy people chronically unhappy? a) They think they should be happy all the time b) They’re stressed out all the time c) They’re poor
You move to another city and your child enrolls in a new school. He was a B and C student at his previous school, he’s now a straight A student. What do you do? a. Congratulate him for being so smart and working so hard. b. Tell him that this school must have low standards and put him in another school. c. Tell him teachers at previous school were idiots, this is a much better school.
The bus shows up 10 minutes late, making you 10 minutes late to work. Whose fault is it that you’re late? a) Bus driver’s b) Traffic’s c) My fault
Customer walks in (you don’t know his name). How do you greet him? a) Hey! b) Hello sir, how are you this evening? c) Wussup, fuckface?
Customer greets you with: “Hi, how are you?” How do you respond? a) I’m doing very well, thank you. How are you? b) What do you want? c) I’m making rice and beans. Try some!
Your co-worker moved something to wrong place and you know it’s in the wrong place. Manager asks why it’s in the wrong place. How do you respond? a) She put it there, not me. b) I don’t know, no idea how it got there. c) I’ll move it.
Owner teaches you to make something one way. Manager teaches you to do it another way. You’re working with the manager, owner is watching. Whose way do you follow? a) Manager’s b) Owner’s c) Do your own thing, show them you’re a superstar!
Jane walks in and orders two 32 oz jars of juice, which will take you 15 minutes to make. Jared walks in immediately after she places her order and orders a small juice, which takes 2 minutes to make. Sam enters immediately after Jared places his order and orders a smoothie, which takes 30 seconds to make, whom do you serve first? a) Jane b) Jared c) Sam
You’re the principal of the school. You visit a class where students are either goofing off or sleeping. What do you do? a) Tell everyone that anyone who doesn’t pay attention will get failing grade for the day. b) Don’t do anything. Privately tell teacher that he sucks at teaching, that’s why nobody is listening. c) Explain to students why it’s important for them to pay attention to their teachers.
How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work? a)100 b)70 c)40
How many hours a week does Taylor Swift work? a) 100 b)70 c)40
Your car battery dies so you’re late for work. Whose fault is it you’re late? a) Nobody’s, sometimes shit happens b) The battery’s. c) My fault
Customer asks you what’s the most popular drink. How do you respond? a) Tell him what you think is most popular. b) Ask him which flavors he prefers. c) Ask the manager to answer his question.
As you’re focused on a complicated order, condescending customer tells you that you should smile more if you want a tip. How do you respond? a) “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day.” b) Smile more. c) Ask her if she’d like a side order of “Fuck Off” to go with her order.
How often do you screw up? a) Rarely, and when I do, it’s someone else’s fault. b) Never. Hire me and you’ll see my awesomeness. c) All the time, I’m such a fuck up.
What happens when school district gives middle-class high school students their own laptops? a) Playing field is leveled, they perform almost as well as those rich privileged kids at elite private school like Lakeside. b) They use it to watch movies and play games, no change in academic performance. c) They perform worse, laptops make people stupid.
Why are you so stupid? a)I don’t know what I don’t know. b) I’m not stupid. c) I’m too lazy to ask enough questions.
How do you produce kids who will become confident adults with healthy self-esteem? a) Tell them how amazing, wonderful and special they are. b) Set higher and higher expectations and expect them to achieve them. c) Try to build a stress free environment for them so they can achieve their goals.
How do you improve overall academic performance at a school? a) Increase funding so facilities can be improved. b) Increase number of Asian (from Confucian cultures only) students c) Increase salaries so teachers perform better
Your partner tells you you’re lazy. How do you respond? a) Takes on to know one, asshole. b) How am I lazy? c) You never see all the things I do for you.
Who will most likely grow up to be batshit crazy? a. Asian kid who gets bitch slapped for getting a “B” because “B” is for Bitch. b. Black kid molested by his football coach c. Middle-class White kid who gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
Someone leaves knives in soapy water. What do you do to make sure that person never does it again? a) Tell her that doing that can hurt someone, that she needs to think about the consequences of her actions. b) Lock her in the freezer for an hour. c) Fill sink with soapy water and knives. Have her wash knives.
Your 8 year old is new at school. He gets shoved out of lunch line and is told to get to the back. He responds by beating the shit out of the kid who bullied him. What’s your response? a) Ground him and make him apologize to kid he beat up. b) Tell him he did the right thing and to never worry about lawsuits, you’ll take care of those if they come up. c) Have your kid apologize to the kid he beat up and have them talk it out. End with hug. . Your daughter loves gymnastics and is about to enter her first meet. She’s confident about winning and even thought about the perfect place to hang her blue ribbon. While she did well, she didn’t medal, and was devastated. What do you, as a parent, tell her? a) Tell her you thought she was the best b) Tell her she has the ability and will surely win next time. c) Tell her she doesn’t deserve to win because she didn’t work hard enough.
What should Mother say to get her son to eat something he doesn’t want? a. Drink that kale smoothie or I’ll kick your ass. b. Drink that kale smoothie if you want to grow a nine inch cock and find a girlfriend who’ll ride it. c. Baby, drink that kale smoothie, it’s good for you, do it for mommy, ok?
Who is most likely batshit crazy? a. Tiffany b.Olga c.Phuc-Dat Bich (real name)
Who is most likely suicidal? a. Carmela, she’s a prostitute b. Jimmy, he’s a social justice activist c. Tyrone, he’s in jail
Why did you take off the “word” Nazi? The sign was putting neighbors in danger — there was a drive by shooting and graffiti last night — and we don’t need police officers getting hurt if a mob shows up. I feel bad about inconveniencing people and grateful that my neighbors are so patient with me. (Oh the perils of letting Andrew be Andrew).
What’s the new name going to be? I don’t know? A customer had an excellent suggestion: Alive Soups. Leaning toward that, as it differentiates and links brands. Still tempted to experiment with, just to see how differently people would react:
Soup Lenin Kitchen
Soup Mao Kitchen
Soup British Kitchen
Soup Korean Kitchen
Would there be double standards? Probably. I mean, I consider the Brits the most murderous and racist empire — colonialism was justified by racism — of the past two centuries. How problematic would Korean xenophobia be? Point is, if we go by a single standard, there wouldn’t be many words left to choose from. Every regime has blood on its hands, every person has sinned, and all words can be interpreted as diabolical.
Why didn’t you stick with the original name and debate the triggered? People rarely want to debate, it’s usually a waste of time.
Do you get triggered by words and images? I don’t know. I watched a BBC piece on China the other day and their coverage, which I found unfair, and it made me angry and frustrated. So I feel emotions. But is that the same as being triggered? I’m not sure what triggered means.
Is the censorship going to get worse? I don’t think so, trends run in cycles. And Bill Mayer, a liberal, is starting to push back at the cancel culture movement.
Will the controversy generate more business? Everyone in Everett knows who I am now but don’t know if it’ll generate more or less business.
