Alive Juice Bar is now 13 years old (as of May 2023), and Soup Nazi Kitchen is 2 years old (April)! Thanks for the support and we’ll continue to provide affordable and tasty soups, salads, fresh juices, smoothies, and more.
Answers to some frequently asked questions of late.
Future Plans
Are you going to expand hours?
We want to but are still struggling with labor. Let us know if you know of any local international students. Ideally we’d be open from 8am-9pm Monday through Friday.
Will you stay in downtown Everett?
Not if there continue to be problems with drug addicts in the neighborhood.
Where would you move to?
We’ve been offered a spot on a produce selling farm in Arlington, just off of I5. It’s ideal because they’re open seasonally — four months off would be nice — and there aren’t any drug addicts wandering around that area. The problem is that the farm is on a septic system that’s not approved for a restaurant.
Crime and Punishment
I heard the owner was charged with assault for beating the shit out of someone. True?
Yes,
Why did he do that?
Drug addict wouldn’t leave after being told to do so three times. He was trespassing and the Soup Nazi sign says that trespassers will be “SPANK’D.”
How badly did he spank him?
From the police report:
Is the owner going to go to jail?
Maybe.
Has the owner spanked the the woke micro-prick who shot up the place and harassed the owner online and in drive-bys?
No.
Why not?
He doesn’t spank small bully boys with micro-penises.
Can I beat the shit out of this ugly piece of shit?
No. Stop getting the owner in trouble. Though some of the shit people have been doing has been hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.
What sort of trouble?
Owner got charged with harassment. Guess woke bullies don’t like to be bullied.
Why do these woke dipshits think they can bully people who disagree with them?
Read about it our upcoming book: White, Whiny, and Woke: the new face of the KKK.
Books
Any book recommendations for summer reading?
Jim Goad’s The Redneck Manifesto: How Hillbillies, Hicks, and White Trash Became America’s Scapegoats (1998). It’s a history and analysis of American culture and politics from roughly 1980 to 2000 told from a self-professed cracker redneck. Owner considers this one of the most important books Americans can read. Even though it’s 25 years old, it shows how we got to our present times.
Judith Martin’s (aka Miss Manners) Minding Miss Manners: In an Era of Fake Etiquette (2022). She’s one of the most intellectually robust and insightful etiquette experts ever and she has solutions to deal with the onslaught of modern bad manners that get passed off as virtuous and graceful. Read this to learn how to deal with assholes without beating the shit out of them.
When will owner release new book?
White, Whiny, and Woke: the new face of the KKKis expected to be released by end of this year. It’s about how Woke got hijacked by whiny white people, some who pretend to be Jewish for protection and victim points.
Aiming to release How to Suck Your Own Dick: an Alive Juice Bar Guide to Men’s Health by November, in time for Christmas season. Just in time to buy it for your husband/boyfriend!
We’ll also restart the comic strip: Misadventures of Dipshit Doug. It’s about the efforts and humiliations of a woke loser with a micro-penis who thinks it’s okay to harass people who disagree with him. It features based on real life characters such as the notorious Andrew Tate, anxiety-ridden Zoe Bee, the Anchor Pub rapist Christian Sayre, and more. It’ll be on YouTube soon.
