You crave or have a dick. Would you prefer to do the sex with and/or as someone who can suck his own dick, or not? (I didn’t say “does,” I said “can”). You want that dick to be healthy and hard, or feeble and flaccid?
Alive Juice Bar’s Guide to Men’s Health: How to Suck Your Own Dick will show you how to keep yourself and/or your man limber, robust, and hard into old age. This book advises men on nutrition and the mental and physical exercises they need to do to be youthful and in sharp mental and physical shape at any age. Included are simple recipes and meal prep strategies, suggested weekly exercise routines, and neuroplasticity drills. There’s also a bonus chapter on Oriental sex tricks that double as penis and fascia workouts so you and/or your man can achieve autofellatio (if you want) and shoot jizz farther than ever.
Working toward sucking your own dick will improve your health, regardless of age, guaranteed.
Nostalgia is a sign of bad health. “I grew up in the 80s, and that was the best decade,” people write in the comments section for a popular 80s music video on YouTube. Was it really? Would any of these people trade their smart phone for a rotary phone, Internet access for a CB radio and a Walkman, and a 2020 Hyundai Elantra for a 1985 Cadillac Seville as their commuter car? Of course not, they wouldn’t be commenting on YouTube if they’d made the trade, one that’s available to Americans who don’t live in poverty, every day.
So why are many people sentimental about their youth? Was the music really that much better or is it better because of the memories it evokes? Why are memories of angst filled youth and dumb decisions comforting? Not saying each decade doesn’t have its own unique high points – people looked better and were healthier before the obesity epidemic, for instance. But the 80s was also the decade of AIDS epidemic and the highest crime rates ever recorded. In 1989, there were 1905 people murdered in New York City. In 2022, there were 433 murders.
This isn’t just about the 80s, it’s about people’s propensity to romanticize their youth, no matter how wretched it was compared to their present. I remember working on a documentary about the New York City’s Lower East Side, which was a slummy neighborhood until around year 2000. Everyone who grew up there in the 1950s told me about the “good old times,” like the entire family sleeping on the iconic metal fire escapes during the miserably hot and humid summers. These same people moved from 600 sf tenements for a family of six to spacious, air-conditioned homes in the suburbs during the 1960s. If their youth was so wonderful, why would they deprive their own children of the same experience? How can so many people romanticize what most people today consider poverty?
My theory is that those reminisce about their youth do to avoid the pain of being unhealthy in the present. The 50-year-old who is in better shape than he was when he was 20 isn’t going to be pining about his 20th year of life. Ask former fat-fuck turned Navy Seal and ultra marathoner, David Goggins. He went from being 6’1” and nearly 300 lbs. of flab (he wasn’t a football lineman) in his early 20s to a 175 lbs. 50-year-old fitness magazine model and motivational speaker today. You think he’s reminiscing about the days when he couldn’t see his dick from a standing position? Goggins never speaks wistfully about his youth, watch his interviews on YouTube if you don’t believe me.
If my theory is right, that being healthy – limber, robust, and free of pain – is such a wonderful state of being that it’s better to be so than to have all the trappings of a luxurious life while being feeble, then why do so many in the modern world choose to be frail than fit as they age? I say “modern” because there’s anthropological evidence that those who live in a pre-modern world – no chairs, elevators, anything that reduces physical labor for survival – don’t suffer from the same physical ailments as many of those who live in industrialized societies. Like the elderly who don’t suffer from back pain despite working their entire lives to gather food, for instance. From NPR’s segment on Lost Posture: Why Some Indigenous Cultures May Not Have Back Pain:
Believe it or not, there are a few cultures in the world where back pain hardly exists. One indigenous tribe in central India reported essentially none. And the discs in their backs showed little signs of degeneration as people aged.
Westerners tend to believe that the body necessarily degenerates with age and use. That’s not true, according to the “posture guru” and acupuncturist Esther Gokhale, interviewed in the above mentioned NPR segment:
“I have a picture in my book of these two women who spend seven to nine hours everyday, bent over, gathering water chestnuts,” Gokhale says. “They’re quite old. But the truth is they don’t have a back pain.”
If routine physical labor and age don’t cause back pain, then what does? What about other physical and mental ailments, such as erectile dysfunction and Alzheimer’s, are they due to labor and age, or not?
The science regarding the link between age and ailments isn’t conclusive and either way, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have to believe that age isn’t an excuse for having lower back pain or brain fog; or tight hips that restrict your movement; or the beer belly that likely causes lower back pain, bad posture, and makes your cock look small; or your inability to learn a new language. If you don’t believe that age isn’t an excuse, then this book is of no use to you.
The point of this health book isn’t to teach you how to suck your own dick. It’s cool if you want to, and I have a feeling that most women and gay men would like to see their man – or any man — pull it off. (It’s mostly straight men who don’t want to suck their own dick, I suspect). The purpose of this book is to help men become healthier, and the ability to suck one’s own dick is just a symbolic and probably abstract goal for them in their pursuit of a more vigorous life. You can succeed in improving your life without sucking your own dick, okay? But working to suck your own duck will make you healthier, guaranteed. Like, what does it take to suck one’s own dick? One has to be:
- Decently endowed
This book will help you become more limber, slender, and better endowed, and it won’t be as difficult as you think. It won’t be easy, but you can still eat tasty food, drink alcohol, and not spend more than 10 hours a week on physical exercise. And it’ll probably save you money, short and long term, because eating well costs less than eating shit that makes you inflamed, bloated, and torpid. So let’s do it!
To do it, you need to have the Right Mindset, the topic of Part I of this book. Chapter 1, Age is a Lame Excuse, berates those for blaming age, instead of their chronic bad habits, for their health problems. It reviews some anthropological and medical literature about health and aging in modern and pre-modern societies to convince you that there shouldn’t be a significant decline in physical and cognitive performance as you age. Chapter 2 shows you how to Think Like a Three-Year-Old. You can train yourself to become more curious and regain much of the neuroplasticity that your brain once had. To do so, you might need to assess your attitude about Mental Health, the title of Chapter 3, because many physical ailments are manifestations of mental ones. And you need to have the right mindset to work through the Physical Exercises – Part II of this book – to help you suck your own dick.
We kick off Part II with Suck Your Dick Workouts, the title of chapter 4. Most physical ailments begin with a weak core, your abs and hips. Here you’ll be shown to how strengthen your core so you can move correctly without fucking up the rest of your body in your own fucked up way. It’ll hurt, but it won’t be as painful as you think and soon, you’ll be fucking like a porn star on Viagra. In chapter 5, you’ll be shown exercises – resistance training — to boost testosterone so you can fuck with more frequency and your jizz will shoot farther. Chapter 6, Exercises for Hair Growth, you’ll be introduced to the head stand. My hair was thinning and greying until I started to do a head stand every day, and now it’s as thick and dark as ever. The headstand sounds intimidating to some, but it’s not that hard and private inversion lessons costs a lot less than those stupid creams, hair transplants, and hair pieces. Inversions are also face lifts so your facial skin looks less droopy.
Part III is a primer on the Diet and Nutrition you need to suck your own dick. We get to the heart of the matter in Chapter 7, How to Train Your Palate to Eat Less. Most diets don’t work because they’re asking people to eat what they don’t like to eat. This chapter explains how to get around this dilemma by training your palate to crave less sugar to be satisfied. Chapter 8, What to Eat, suggests what you should eat to be lean, limber, and free of inflammation. This chapter will probably save you money, because eating well is cheaper than you think once you stop eating the bullshit health foods you don’t like. Chapter 9 considers When to Eat. Should you eat three meals a day? Should you eat within an hour after waking up? Can intermittent fasting reverse aging?
Part IV is about some of the Mental Exercises you can practice to improve brain neuroplasticity so you don’t become a dumb fuck as you age. These exercises work in conjunction with the physical exercises outlined in this book because mental health = physical health. Chapter 10 – Mental Drills — suggests fun ways to keep your mind sharp, and warns about seemingly harmless activities that’ll make you dull minded. Chapter 11 shows you how to Learn a New Language to improve brain neuroplasticity so you can think and act like a three-year-old again. Full circle.
Being able to suck your own dick doesn’t mean you don’t need Medical Care, Part V of this book. Chapter 12 — What We Can Learn About Vaccines from the Japanese – begins with a history of how medical science works and what we can learn from its of successes and failures. Pre-Modern Medicine, the title of chapter 13, reviews alternatives to modern medicine to fix your health problems. It doesn’t discount evidence based medicine, it points out that medicine is an art and a science, and recognizing it as such will help you make better decisions about how to reach your goal of sucking your own dick. We end with Chapter 14 – Recommended Readings — reviews of books written by Western trained medical doctors critical of Western medicine who suggest alternative strategies to live a robust life till you die.
This book should be read – in the first reading – in chronological order, from Introduction to the end. To read otherwise might be confusing. Send questions and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org, put “I want to suck my own dick” in the subject line if you want a reply. Enjoy, and good health.