New etiquette book available for pre-order

 

 

Book Description
Do you have good manners, or good fucking manners?  Have you ever thought that the manners you were taught are fucktarded?  Do you not trust polite people?  Wonder if there’s a correct way to be mean?  Want to remake yourself into a paragon of efficiency, transparency, and good fucking manners?  Then this is the etiquette book for you!  The Juice Nazi and his Head of Secret Police, Roxanne G., are back, angrier than ever and ready to impose their will on dipshits who dare oppose them.  In this book, they dissect American middle-class manners to reveal an etiquette system rife with genteel bullying, moral grandstanding, and narcissistic delusions.  They offer, in its place, an alternate etiquette system that doesn’t tolerate anything that’s fake, senseless, and wasteful. This book profanes the sacred and will make anyone who identifies as a middle-class American in morals and manners, squirm.  Misanthropists will be delighted.     

 

Introduction
Most people think they have good manners.  Most of these people are wrong, they don’t know jack shit about good fucking manners.  

To begin with, anyone who thinks good manners is about following a set of arbitrary and sometimes asinine procedures is a boorish ninny who can’t think.  One can’t be well mannered without having  considered the meaning and purpose behind and effectiveness of each action, okay?  Well mannered people are *aware* – they’re sensitive to context and purpose – and they’re curious.  It’s the insolent and lazy who use the same pick-up lines regardless of the situation, despite consistently obstructive consequences.  It’s the awkward and brainwashed who can be convinced that bitch slapping someone can be a polite greeting in another culture, just because the ethos of multiculturalism says so.  These are the people who take up two parking spots and aren’t paying attention when the light turns green.      

One needs to understand why “good manners” are good manners to be well mannered.  If you don’t wonder why a certain act is “good,” then there’s a swell chance you have bad manners because etiquette is often slow to adapt to the changing world.  For instance, what’s the point of the handshake?  Are we showing that we aren’t carrying a dagger, that we come in peace?  Is it still more egalitarian and warmer than tipping the hat (that few wear nowadays) and curtsies, as the Quakers believed?  Does the transfer of germs make more people sick or does it facilitate herd immunity?  Will the handshake survive the 2020 pandemic?  Should it?  

What’s the purpose of having good manners and what’s its relationship to etiquette?  From what I’ve seen, most of the Anglo cultured world equate “good manners” with one’s knowledge and ability to follow prevailing etiquette.  In other words, “good manners” is a matter of social access and the implication is that it’s the upper class that determines the codes of good conduct.  Here’s a definition of etiquette from Merriam-Webster dictionary that reflects that ethos:

the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life.

Etiquette here is delineated as a top-down mechanism, “prescribed by authority,” and/or by those of “good breeding,” which I take to mean the upper class.  Not all dictionaries agree with this definition, let’s look at Oxford Language’s more egalitarian definition of etiquette:

the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.

This definition implies that each social class has its own set of rules and none are intrinsically superior to others.  And these codes can be developed organically, bottom-up, rather than from sources of authority.    

This tension between egalitarianism and elitism pervades American social life, resulting in ludicrous habits that get passed off as “good manners.”  So many Americans – left-wing Americans especially – want it all, they want to stick up for common folk AND be recognized as elite.  This results in an etiquette system that encourages manners that are fake, senseless, and wasteful.  Parodies, really, performed by people who act and sound like muppets.   

It doesn’t have to be that way.  The aim of this book is to suggest an alternate etiquette system that encourages people to be authentic, transparent, and efficient.  The basis of this etiquette system – Part I of this book – is the title of the first chapter, Don’t waste people’s time.  Well mannered people don’t show off their good breeding – that’d be narcissism at work and it’s a waste of time – they’re focused on making other people’s lives better and easier.  Chapter two is a test of how well mannered you are in the alternate etiquette system proposed in this book.   

Part II is about the Secondary principles one should abide by to be well mannered.  These include Save other people time, the title of chapter three.  To save people time, Don’t lie, the title of chapter four.  Yes, not lying will hurt people’s feelings, but well mannered people care more about truth than feelings, okay?  Chapter five, Less is best,  will also save you and other people time, it shows how to be minimalistic in interactions.   Chapter six, Don’t show off, is a reminder to resist the urge to equate good manners with good breeding, that’s how narcissistic delusions begin.  Show, don’t tell is the title of chapter seven.  Well mannered people say less and do more because actions and results mean more than words.  

Part III, Situations, applies the above principles in specific situations.  Chapter eight, Phone etiquette, shows the proper way to call and answer phone calls.  This is especially important if you’re in sales, good phone etiquette will increase your sales, guaranteed, or Dipshit Doug Evans Dickhead will grow a dick that’s not on his head.  Chapter nine, How to be mean, explores how to be mean to someone with style so you don’t look like a dipshit dickhead.  We pivot to How to be nice in Chapter ten because so many people who think they’re being nice are actually acting like a Dipshit Doug Evans Dickhead.  Chapter eleven, Embarrassing situations, shows you how to act confidently when the situation gets weird.  Restaurant etiquette is the subject of Chapter twelve, so you don’t act and look like a Dipshit Doug Evans Dickhead when you’re dining out.  Chapter thirteen, Constructive criticism, shows you how to dish it properly and effectively so you don’t waste anyone’s time.  Managers especially should read this chapter.    

Part IV is about Why manners matter.  Chapter fourteen explores the Purpose of good manners, which is to make people better and their lives easier.   Chapter fifteen, Suggested readings, reviews our favorite etiquette books we think people should read instead of those by Emily Post and Gloria Vanderbilt.  These books, especially Paul Fussell’s Class: a guide through America’s class system, have influenced this book!  Chapter sixteen is another test to see if, after reading this book, you have good fucking manners.  

After you’ve read the first seven chapters, you can skip around.  You need to understand the principles behind my etiquette system before you can understand how they work in everyday situations. 

Send comments, including hate mail and death threats, to foodyap@gmail.com.  Write in the subject line: Dipshit Doug Evan is a Dickhead and we’ll get back to you.  Enjoy!       

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