Alive Juice Bar Seeks Hate Mail Contestants

(First posted January 2015 on craigslist. Updated for March 2021 — the Zombies have scaled the wall!)

Alright Motherhuggers,

The *quality* of the hate mail we get sucks. Example (real):

“What a fucked up job posting. Who the hell would want to work for you after reading that shit? You can tell by what kind of person you are with the attitude you portray on Craigslist. You don’t have the right to talk like that. I feel sorry for the slaves that have to labor under an asshole.”

Boring. Unacceptable. To improve the quality of hate mail we receive, we’re hosting another Alive Juice Bar Hate Mail contest. Winner gets $100 gift card. Employees select finalists to be judged by customers. Your name will be redacted, we will protect your privacy so don’t go chickenshit on us, ok? So let’s get this going, Motherfuggers.

Guidelines: we want well-written, we want art. Don’t just tell us what you think about the person who wrote this ad, tell us WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO DO TO HIM, or HAPPEN TO HIM. Dig deep, find your inner rage, reveal your inner freak — we know there’s some Marquis de Sade in you, we can feel it. Example:

“To the sick fuck who wrote this piece of shit ad, I hope you get gang-banged by giant orangutans until your butthole looks like a donut. You deserve to be buried alive in your own shit because even horse shit is too good for you.”

Some keywords you might want to use or at least consider to get your creative juices flowing: porcupine, jalapenos, Wonder Woman, chainsaw, pink, King Kong, handcuffs, mini-me, dolphins, charcoal, piranhas, Justin Bieber, North Korea, Michael Jackson, Hello Kitty.

Now to inspire you Motherfuckers, to get you angry enough to turn on the (she)Hulk so you can write some hate mail art: here are a few reasons owner deserves hate mail from you:

Owner is insulting, rude and abusive. Examples:
1) Charging customers $1 to change the music.
2) Telling customer to go to Jamba Juice
3) Calling customers Dumbass for asking for wheatgrass
4) Forcing employee to call customer Fuck-Face. And then charging customer a dollar for the abuse.
5) Charging customer $1 for better service when customer is unhappy with and requests better service
6) Inhumane, slave driving owner who does unspeakable things with jalapenos
7) Telling customers how they fucked up their kids.
8) Calling employees “Stupid, Useless, Cunt.”
9) Demanding improved quality of hate mail sent to him
10) Calling Oprah Winfrey a “House Nigger”
11) Rants about how White people are fucking things up
12) Random misogynistic musings.
13) Routinely playing misogynistic music like “Me So Horny” and “Taught Her How to Fuck.”
14) Calling his customers batshit crazy.
15) Referring to Asians as “slant-eyed motherfuckers.”
16) Writing a cookbook that teachers readers How to Cook Like a Racist
17) Writing a racist and sexist crossword puzzle for customers to solve for $20 gift card.