Two part-time positions. One for Barista, the other for Barista’s Bitch.
Barista job duties:prep food and drinks with precision and alacrity; change expletive laden music when kids walk in; serve customers; listen — learn about and from — customers; tell customer to fuck off; remind customers to shut bathroom door; figure out what people really want, not what they say and/think they want; recognize patterns of behavior; deal with hung-over and emotional co-workers; berate customer for acting like an asshole; ask questions; draw stuff on windows; download music; clean mess; correct co-worker’s grammar; explain why ionized water is for dumbasses; explain difference between glycemic load and glycemic index so customers stop freaking out about carrot juice; make inappropriate comments that will get you fired everywhere except Microsoft; make co-worker stop acting like a whiny bitch; babysit your Bitch.
Barista’s Bitch job duties: shut-up, observe, learn, emulate, ask questions. Cry at home.
Application questions below. Research online for clues. Be honest. Be consistent. Think about reality, what makes sense. To recognize reality, try to get out of your own reality and consider what makes logical sense. This test is modeled after MMPI used by hospitals and law enforcement agencies to assess mental health. Its purpose is to figure out who is batshit crazy. Even if you score batshit crazy — nearly all of you will, some because of your lack of experience, others because of your social background — you may still get hired because batshit crazy is, well, normal, common. Our job is to help you grow out of batshit crazy stage of life, to help you develop a stable identity and to recognize reality about yourself and others.
Check yelp to learn more about Alive Juice Bar. (If you apply to restaurants without reading their Yelp reviews, then you don’t deserve to use toilet paper ever again). If you have a history of working at establishments with poor yelp reviews, you’ll be asked about bad habits you’ve picked up. Not saying we’re awesome and set the standard. Our faults are many, and we find them intolerable. We just want to keep improving rather than devolve into something awful.
Bold face your answer. Pick best answer. Attach resume.
Let’s begin!
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Earthquake during math class! Big enough to topple bookshelves. Nobody is hurt, everyone is okay, just jittery. What do you, as teacher, do?
a) Stop class, act jittery and anxious because that’s how you feel.
b) Have students clean up mess and continue class as if nothing happened. Assign double amount of homework and quizzes for rest of the week.
c) Stop class, bring in school psychologist to discuss how everyone is handling the event and “post-traumatic stress disorder.”
How many hours a week does the CEO of Walmart work?
a)100
b)70
c)40
How many hours a week does the CEO of Yahoo work?
a)100
b)70
c)40
How many hours a week does Eminem work?
a) 100
b)70
c)40
What’s Plato’s Republic about?
a) Why we’re all dumbasses
b)How to be happy
c) The meaning of lfie
Why is your boss so mean to you?
a) Because she’s a bitch.
b)Because I keep fucking up.
c) Because she’s secretly in love with me. That’s just her way of expressing it.
Why is your boss so nice to you?
a) Because I’m awesome at my job.
b) Because I sucked his dick.
c) Because it’s easier than explaining to me how and why I keep fucking up and fixing the problem.
Efficiency or Creativity? Choose one.
a)Efficiency
b)Do I have to? I want to pick both.
c)Creativity
Nice or Kind. Choose one.
a) Nice
b) Kind
c) I’m confused. My head is starting to hurt.
Who is overpaid?
a) Microsoft Engineer making $150,000 a year, full benefits, 3 weeks paid vacation,matching 401k.
b) McDonald’s Cook making $10/hour, no benefits, no paid vacation.
c) Police Officer making $75,000 a year, full benefits, 4 weeks paid vacation, lifetime pension after retirement (20 years service).
What does the CEO of Walmart do all day?
a)Figures out new ways to exploit hard workers like me.
b)Sets strategy and vision, negotiates partnerships, builds company culture, and manages supply chains to ensure consumers get what they want when they want it.
c)Bangs his hot secretary.
How often do you experience road rage?
a) Once a day
b) Once a week
c) Never
Why are you so mean?
a) I’m impatient, I get annoyed at people easily.
b) I’m not mean, I’m nice, I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings. Mean people suck.
c) If I’m not mean, I’ll get stepped on. They’ll crush me.
Why are you so lazy?
a) I’m not lazy.
b) I don’t have enough responsibilities.
c) I have chronic fatigue syndrome.
Why are you so lazy?
a) I get stressed out easily.
b) I’m self-centered and self-absorbed, so I don’t like making sacrifices for others. It’s too much work.
c) I like having fun. I need rest and relaxation.
Why do you work so hard?
a) I have a lot of responsibilities
b) I’m ambitious, I want to do something special
c) I don’t work hard, I’m lazy
Why are your friends boring?
a) They’re not boring. They’re a lot of fun.
b) They never want to try anything new. They talk about and do the same things over and over again. They’re really conventional.
c) I don’t know.
How many years SHOULD you spend in jail?
a) 0
b) 1-3
c) more than 3
Why are you so lazy?
a) I daydream a lot.
b) I’m bored.
c) I make excuses and blame others when something goes wrong.
What was Eminem likely doing on random date, 2003?
a) Getting high and smacking his hoes
b) Working alone in recording studio, repeating same three lines over and over again because he demands perfection from himself.
c) Getting his dick sucked by two of his dancers.
Why are you so stupid?
a) I’m lazy and obedient, so I don’t ask questions.
b) I’m confused and bored, I don’t see the point.
c) I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
Why are you so smart?
a)I’m not smart, only stupid people think they’re smart
b)I’ve always worked hard and set the highest standards for myself. I took the most challenging courses and tasks and wouldn’t accept anything less than an “A” at school and at work.
c) I’m naturally smart, it’s God given.
Why do you hate poor people?
a) We hate those we’re afraid of becoming. I’m afraid I’ll become or am one of them
b) I don’t hate them. I want to help them by showing them how to become better, someone more like me.
c) They’re lazy and have bad habits that are ruining society. They’re hopeless.
What was Tupac Shakur most likely doing during a typical evening?
a) Reading Diary of Anais Nin
b) Drinking his 40 and smacking his hoes
c) Having a threesome and some cocaine.
How many people do you hate?
a) 0
b) 1-5
c) More than 5
What would you do to someone you hate?
a) Fart on them.
b) Get Dark Ages on them, dungeon style
c) Death by thousand cuts.
OPEN ENDED QUESTION
Person A from age 5 to 25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 4 hours a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time learning to build and building, with like-minded friends, random things, like a tree house, a bridge, a dog walking robot. A also spends an hour per day daydreaming of building something that will improve world’s standard of living. At age 25, he graduates with a Masters degree in electrical engineering and is offered a salary of $150,000 to work as a product developer for a green tech company. He gets 3 weeks vacation, full benefits. He accepts the position and works 60-80 hours per week, and is expected to be available for phone calls and e-mails during his vacations. He pays Federal Government 30 percent of his earnings.
Person B, from age 5-25, attends school 6 hours a day, studies 1 hour a day, spends 6 hours of leisure time passively watching TV shows and films like Jersey Shore and Twilight, 3 hours a day daydreaming about being wealthy and pampered and adored by everyone. At age 25, he graduates with a degree in Socks, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Unable to find a job in his field of study, he takes a job as a cashier at McDonald’s, making $10 per hour, 40 hours per week, or $20,000 for the year. He doesn’t have to pay taxes.
Let’s assume one of them is “underpaid.” Which one and why?
Multiple Choice
What did Walmart founder Sam Walton drive?
a)Beat up pickup truck
b)BMW
c)Hummer
Why are you so stupid?
a)I don’t know what I don’t know.
b) For the last time, I’m not stupid, I’m brilliant!
c) You’re the dumbass for asking this dumbass question, like, 3 times. This is some fucked up shit, I’m out, motherfucker.
Open Ended Question
Mary hires Peter and Paul to dig two ditches, assigning one to each. Peter finishes in one hour because he used his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper. Paul, using a shovel, finishes his in 8 hours. How much should Mary pay Peter. How much to Paul? Whom should she hire if she wants a third ditch?
How do poor people talk?
a) They brag about themselves, make themselves seem better than they are.
b) They like to talk a lot about their problems.
c) They talk like desperate victims, begging for help.
How many hours did Peter spend developing his latest invention, the super-duper soil remover zapper?
a) 2, genius comes naturally to him
b) 200, he got a lucky break
c) 2000, innovation is hard work
Why are you so lazy?
a) There’s no point in working hard. Life is unfair, it won’t get me anywhere.
b) Most of my friends are lazy. It’s contagious.
c) I’ve never been exposed to those who work hard and long, like 100 hours a week.
The person who wrote this application:
a) Is an angry mother fucker.
b) Is batshit crazy. This is some fucked up shit.
c) Is trying to be funny. Ha ha. Ha. Right?